My memories of you

All I am left with is the memories. The painfully delicious memory of you and I. All that kept me sane for so long.  
The one thing that I let myself hang onto, is hurting more than anything- my memory.  
 
Oh dear, I wish I could erase my memory. Oh how I wish I had the ability to erase you from my life like in Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Maybe I could go back to that day and ignore you and the commotion, then I wouldn't have had this struggle for the past 4 years.
 
Maybe I made a mistake, maybe I didn’t. I am so scared.  
 
Alone, and in solitude is how I spend my time, replaying memory after memory. Broken promise after broken promise. Rude comment after rude comment. Joke after joke. Kiss after kiss, and hug after hug. Everything replaying like a poorly directed movie except no one can see except for me.  
 
Who knew that falling for someone like you would hurt me this badly, just simply because you were never really ever mine. I believed in you. I held on because you asked me to, you forced me to get better? I did it all in hopes that you would see that I was fighting for you, fighting to become a slave to society in hopes I would become “normal” and worth it to you.
 
The major scene filled with flashbacks was the time you said ”There was never the right time” I silently noted that, but did you not notice the fact that I was single for two years after Pablo broke up with me? All in hopes you would make me yours. I started dating again once you left…Now tell me when was there never a right time?
 
Oh I stood there in the shadows, hoping, waiting, and wishing you’d see me for who I was-and want me then. You then said you were saving me from the pain that you being away would cause. That amount of pain does not compare to that of the torture that I am now left with.  
 
The last scene in the movie is the one that repeats over and over again, and that is of my heart breaking over and over again. It’s body crippling. I don't know if you have ever experienced a heartbreak so hurtful, but I tell you that it isn't pretty or easy to just get up and walk away. I wish it was.  
 
Maybe if I didn't have this movie of us playing on repeat in my head, but I do and it doesn't look like it will cease to stop playing.