"WTF"

Here i sit,39,ain't worth shit-everyday all day i yell at myself and spit-i've damned myself with lifes sinz-i keep asking god whens it gonna end?-all the bad decisions i made in my life-have cost me everything i ever had even my wife-i'm a born loser,a failure at best-this insane poetry is my way of getting it off my chest-if i didn't have this paper and pen-without hesitation i'd go out and commit horrific sin-i'm speakin' on murder,homicide,then a suicide-my words ain't for the faint at heart it's a hellish ride-evil things,as sharp as a guillotine-when i'm down and out in life,it's hell i bring-my doctor has me on a medication that's suppose to help-been on it since '07,this shit don't help-i just take it to keep from getting sick-one day i'm just gonna say fuck it and quit takin' this shit-deal with the withdrawls,the pain,the sweats-fuck sayin' it,i'm gonna do it bet-maybe then my life will take a more positive turn-maybe i won't die young and eternally burn-all this shit is just one big maybe-if worst comes to worst i may go completely crazy-cut myself,slice through my flesh-have my roommates yell "look at this mess"-with a big evil grin upon my face-blood all over the place,put the blade in my mouth,the blood i taste-it hurts so good,oh yes it does-as i inflict pain upon myself i wish life was much better than what it was-i don't have that vision laced upon my brain-if it were,i wouldn't be writing this mess,which is insane-may god have mercy on my sinfull soul-through out all this insane shit,in the lake of fire i don't wanna go-i try and try to better my life-70 plus jobs,i've just fucked up my life-i'll admit the truth to you who reads this-i could never be homicidal,i'm more suicidal,i live in a hellish bliss-i have no love for myself that is remained to be seen-my favorite most loved verse in the holy bible is john 15:13-"greater love has no one than this,that he lay down his life for his friends"-and with that verse i'd do that without hesitation,no limits,without end-who knows why i think this way-all i know is we all gotta die one fucking day-that's just the way of life-have you ever played russian roulette with a butchers knife?-i just get so damn frustrated with all of the many obstacles i've put myself into-my god,i wish all the time i have left,be spent through-going out in search of that job that ain't fucking there-everywhere i go i cop disgusted stares-long hair with a beard,clothes don't match-what the fuck am i to do? poor i have lived,to succeed whats the catch-my family has disowned me-always dissing me,they tired of my ass asking for money-my mother died on me when i was young as did my friends and grandparents-i pray to thy lord,my god,heaven is where their souls were sent-i look forward to the day to when i can see them all again-away from this hellish earth,away from all this sin-until i breathe my last i shall continue to think and write,what is in my minds eye-millions of souls are afraid what others think,afraid to even die-they see,they know,they feel that there is life after death-and everyone shall see,most definitely after that last breath-i see the many different faces and races walking into this building where bodily fluids are left-to me i see the american dream,for the love of the money,given by the all american rejects-thats all people live for anymore-my lord take me to your house where money is never more-i have made a serious error in judgement-that is why in hell my soul could possibly be sent-my god what have i done to myself? why have i made such a mess?-please my lord,i know my lifes a test-i never thought in my wildest dreams i would live this long-i always thought with my lifestyle i wouldn't live long-drinkin',smokin',drugs,the unprotected sex-you don't need to tell me it was wrong,i do have regrets-even though i have never been arrested not once in my natural born life-i still have this wicked urge to play with this razor knife-i have been involved in schemes that were unlawfull-that shit is between me and god,you ask me,your just gonna get a mouthfull-i also suffer from c.r.s "can't remember shit"-never ending obsessions to pornography,is also wicket-i pray on these handicaps,to disapate from my presence-wicked lyrics,defiant attitude,porn,liar,all these things aren't heaven sent-i've allowed all this commotion to be in my life,cause i've allowed natas admission into my world-demons i feel turning inside my belly,jam my finger down my throat,my guts i hurled-vomiting out all this unclean waste-alcohol i've given up,but the pills i taste-pop 3 to 7 at a time,now i shit blood all the time-i can see i will be immortalized all so soon,my heaven isn't hard to find-i've inflicted all this pain onto myself-the game of death is all i have,that's whats left-why can't i have true love in my life?,why can't i be allowed to have that romeo and juliet type love-if i attempt to show feelings for her i always get shot down,i recieve the shove-ccccraaazzzyyyyy,toyz in the attic,i am crazy,they must have taken all my marbles away-crazy,over the rainbow i am crazy,look at all my writings on the wall,i am crazy,they soon shall take me away-i have lost all sense of reality-i'm just another casuality-a mental case,an unexplained time bomb-these words of shit,reality it shall lead you from-when the men in white suits come to take me away to the padded room-when,when,when shall that be,i just know soon-i give myself consideration to the way of my mind-i feel my spirit slowly but surely dying-heres my 5150 symptom of insanity-if i don't get employment by new years,my minds corruption will explode from within me-turn myself in at the building known as meridian-suicidal is what i have been-please take me away to the loony bin-lock me up for however long it takes for everyone to realize i'm not playing with a full deck-evaluate me to the fullest,and if and when i'm released,i'll get that crazy check-i  just took another shit and for sure it's blood-oh dear lord,my god it's thick as mud-i feel i'll be deceased before i get that crazy money-i know it ain't,but i can't help to laugh,cause it's funny-that my death may come at any given moment,hey that's life-maybe i won't ever have to visualize cutting myself with that razor knife-i hate my life and the way i live-i'll keep repeating all my crazy rantings,i haven't anything else to give-love it or hate it i don't really care-i'll just give you my best charlie manson stare-you ask me who am i,who i be-in all reality,i'm nobody-noone of importance,to this world i'm a nothing-i have just these writings,and no i cannot sing-i've decided to go ahead on and play this game of death-play it and pray i win,breathe my last breath-i've had it with all these mutha fuckaz all up in my business-fake ass bitches claiming they care, but in reality don't giva fuck less-that includes even family-those mutha fuckaz will also back stab you quickly-mutha fuckaz want you to do shit for them,help they azz out-but when it's you that needs help,they break the fuck out-ya can't trust no fuckin' body,it don't matter to me-fuck all these dumb ass hoes,this is my w.o.r.l.d-it's crazy but that's just the way it be-mutha fuckaz can eat a d.i.c-k all day every mutha fuckin day-fuck he,she,you,this is what the hell i say-i ain't afraid to say it-i am crazy and i don't giva fuck,so mutha fuck it-bitches and hoes come in all types of races and sexes-male and females from f.l.a to mutha fuckin' texas-i can't wait to say goodbye to livin' this life-mutha fuck this world,i should go ahead and cut my jugalar end my life-tired of hearin' bout money and sex and most of all i'm tired of love-it's all bullshit anyways, hurtin' feelings,fuck love-for now on i gives love the mutha fuckin' shove-i gives a fuck if your pissed and angry-the best advice i can give your ass is to leave me be!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!