planning pastward

well, I passed so many strange thoughts
            without reconsideration
but I don't know what I'll be thinking
            what will be recalled tomorrow
and thereby missing the big picture
            lost from station on to station
'though living as a scrappy whole
            in memories just borrowed

from a dream of what was real
            if any I would had been living
if any I would had been there
            not being somehow (p)reconstructed
in the moment of recalling
            which itself is only drifting
pastward as a parted past
            with no idea of its own structure
staying incomplete
where some fragments meet
a fragminded self
of confusing spells

a guessing who that keeps on changing
            seemingly towards a future
that is as real as anything
            that can't ever be remembered
there is only that dubious you
            a who that strangely tries to suit your
needs that are a verbal feed of
            a floating state that you can't enter

since there is no chance for guessing
            what's outside of integration
that becomes your self and past
            since you can't precall tomorrow
thereby missing the big picture
            being trapped behind the stations
misperceived as a present whole
            wrapped in memories just borrowed
from an unknown source
to where will is cause
and beliefs are laws
faking a conscious force