The Hard but Inevitable

I don't believe I've ever hit a single spot where it didn't hurt the most before.
I don't understand as I'm falling, falling and thinking "am I going to hit the floor?
"Hit the floor so hard, I might not wake up this time."
I might not recede this time
I'm only here to blow my mind
My mind out of moments
My heart into an opponent
To the world, and to you
"You are my sweetest downfall".

I'm not one to trust so easily, even though I can't help but laugh with you in a crowded and heavy room.
Your hidden paramour is something I can relate to.
But I'm still falling, still contemplating--
I'm not courageous enough, not yet.
I can't end it even if I wanted to.
Tu amo, mi mejor amigo. Todos los dias, mi amor.
Call me racist but I can only love my kin.
And my soul is entwined now with yours.

And then it hits
Crashing, whirling--a dull thud as if a knife is twisted into me.
I feel as though I can't escape this agony.
I want to show I'm here for you, but I only push you far away.
Because how can I self indulge when that is all that is taken advantage of?
I'm sorry to say no, but there's nothing I can do.
I love you, I want you but most of all, I understand.
But yet, I can never put myself in that position again.
The last one wasn't as kind as you are to me.
In fact, he was too kind, and I fell too far into a chasm that still festers like a blood sore in my heart till this day.
Don't be so kind, don't be so like me.
Don't catch me as I fall.
Let me hit the ground, without a sound, and slowly drift into a darkness that exists outside of our world.
Let my skull crack, let my neck snap.
Let it all end quickly.
Like a pop of a play gun, and a kiss in the playground,
Just hold my hand as I pass away.

~Elizabeth McGrath©