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Hotel Theatrics
He slid over; serpentine smiles and a
rumpled shirt accompanied him.
His half-lidded eyes made for a clumsy wink
but the patter was getting him nowhere.
Clumsily, he noted the bare fingers.
“No ring – so you’re not married then?”
She sipped the last of her drink in relief,
the excuse to leave now available. Dropping
from the bar stool, her exit was swift, a swelling
inside her head making her feel faint. Her
breathing only resumed once she had crossed
the lobby and stepped into an empty elevator.
She clutched the chain at her throat, the slender
chain securing the gold band. How long had she
remained prone to these bare moments?
A sole sob tumbled out, the first act in
the three-ring show spectacular.
Later, when the dried tears rounded off the
finale, she wearied of the usual audience of
old thoughts. A number dialed from memory,
the disconnected tone reminded her that
the last goodbye was the last goodbye.
Housekeeping had left a chocolate on the
pillow. The wrapping was gold foil, and it
crinkled pleasingly. She stared at the
uneaten cube of brown mediocrity.
Something inside shifted. The next day, the
gold band would see daylight briefly, cast
off the pedestrian bridge into clouded
currents. Still in her moment, she swiped at the
chocolate, flinging it unto the carpeted corner.
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likes 8
reading list entries 0
comments 19
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The author encourages honest critique.
Re: Hotel Theatrics
13th Apr 2013 00:14am
I found the last line flat.
Overall I'm not certain what I should make of the lonely lines. Why they should stand out. If I was listening to you reading this aloud then I wonder if those lines would be notice. Im not sure that its even important.
This carries a prosiac feeling in a poetry format.
Not unpleasant but more descriptive than expressive. Different to my preferences. :)
Overall I'm not certain what I should make of the lonely lines. Why they should stand out. If I was listening to you reading this aloud then I wonder if those lines would be notice. Im not sure that its even important.
This carries a prosiac feeling in a poetry format.
Not unpleasant but more descriptive than expressive. Different to my preferences. :)
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re: Re: Hotel Theatrics
13th Apr 2013 7:17am
The last line reflects this: bigger changes start with small gestures. This is about an awakening that happens only when self-observation happens.
I'm playing around with dramatic gestures contrasted with understated inner realities.
Thanks for your feedback, Plebeian!
I'm playing around with dramatic gestures contrasted with understated inner realities.
Thanks for your feedback, Plebeian!
Re: Hotel Theatrics
Anonymous
13th Apr 2013 3:21am
I liked it ataki...strider
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Re: Hotel Theatrics
13th Apr 2013 4:48am
this played as a movie to me...
but left empty feeling (from the characters point of feeling)as reality seems to do in times of life
not found...a pleasant present.
Enjoyed this very much Ataki!!!
but left empty feeling (from the characters point of feeling)as reality seems to do in times of life
not found...a pleasant present.
Enjoyed this very much Ataki!!!
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re: Re: Hotel Theatrics
13th Apr 2013 7:20am
Movies tend to exaggerate crucial turning points... in reality they are more subtle. Thank you for reading, soul.
Re: Hotel Theatrics
13th Apr 2013 10:01am
I found the imagery quite vivid from start to finish, from him slowly waking, one eyed noting the missing wedding ring, to her having it on a chain around her neck and so forth.
Much enjoyable and creative Atakti, a great pen dear :)
Much enjoyable and creative Atakti, a great pen dear :)
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re: Re: Hotel Theatrics
13th Apr 2013 10:15am
Re: Hotel Theatrics
13th Apr 2013 10:09am
I liked this, and thought
it matched the title well.
A sole sob tumbled out, the first act in
the three-ring show spectacular.
^Especially enjoyed this.
You have a forte in the
story-telling department.
Scribbler :)
it matched the title well.
A sole sob tumbled out, the first act in
the three-ring show spectacular.
^Especially enjoyed this.
You have a forte in the
story-telling department.
Scribbler :)
0
re: Re: Hotel Theatrics
13th Apr 2013 10:17am
Thanks, Scribbler, those lines were written to complement the title... theatrics indeed.
:)
:)
Re: Hotel Theatrics
Anonymous
15th Apr 2013 8:30am
Something inside shifted. The next day, the
gold band would see daylight briefly, cast
off the pedestrian bridge into clouded
currents.
A well-written, imaginative write, Atakti. Among my faves... the title & the opening lines. Very nice imagery & I enjoyed this piece very much. :)
Carlene
gold band would see daylight briefly, cast
off the pedestrian bridge into clouded
currents.
A well-written, imaginative write, Atakti. Among my faves... the title & the opening lines. Very nice imagery & I enjoyed this piece very much. :)
Carlene
0
re: Re: Hotel Theatrics
15th Apr 2013 9:51pm
Re: Hotel Theatrics
Anonymous
15th Apr 2013 7:15pm
<< post removed >>
Re: Hotel Theatrics
16th Apr 2013 3:38am
re: Re: Hotel Theatrics
16th Apr 2013 1:12pm
Re: Hotel Theatrics
17th Apr 2013 9:27pm
That moment when you finally let go and allow yourself to break free, the moment when you are no longer a was married woman and become a single woman, that moment when you see yourself as not merely coming up to the door and then running away for fear of repeating the same mistake, that is the day you challenge yourself to live again, and the rules change....and the sufferable becomes insufferable. The tidbits of life are not enough. Hotel chocolates are not a love life or a partnership or a friend or someone to hold you and love you and tell you that there is a life after letting go.
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re: Re: Hotel Theatrics
18th Apr 2013 6:33am
Re: Hotel Theatrics
6th May 2013 11:27pm
my dear...
He slid toward her with a serpentine smile and a
rumpled shirt
his half-lidded eyes making for a clumsy wink
the patter was getting him nowhere.
he nodded at her bare fingers
(you are doing too much, putting to many spare, and repeated words, into your writes...strip the descriptions out a little...bare the lines, make movement and action do the telling. As a side-note, the word clumsy is itself clumsy...better to describe the movement that just say 'clumsy'...and saying it twice within the space of a few lines only takes any power away that it had to start with. I wonder if you are not trying to write short stories, but are not backing yourself to pull them off, so try to crush them in to poems....in a short story you could expand on the characters like you seem to want too)
hh
He slid toward her with a serpentine smile and a
rumpled shirt
his half-lidded eyes making for a clumsy wink
the patter was getting him nowhere.
he nodded at her bare fingers
(you are doing too much, putting to many spare, and repeated words, into your writes...strip the descriptions out a little...bare the lines, make movement and action do the telling. As a side-note, the word clumsy is itself clumsy...better to describe the movement that just say 'clumsy'...and saying it twice within the space of a few lines only takes any power away that it had to start with. I wonder if you are not trying to write short stories, but are not backing yourself to pull them off, so try to crush them in to poems....in a short story you could expand on the characters like you seem to want too)
hh
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