deepundergroundpoetry.com
Thoughts of You
Warm breath whispers in my ear
Introducing me to your devil’s lair
Sweet smell of whiskey lingering on my skin
I’m tortured by you and so it begins
Stretching me open and filling me up
A lonely vessel for his undying love
I’m pining for what once was there
Finding it hard to soar through the air
Broken thoughts and dark despair
Ice cold heart and empty stares
He feeds me his seed and falls down on his knees
But all I think of is you and what could have been
Feeling alone with thoughts of you
Fading my mind and consuming my blues
A constant reminder of the darkness within
Keep me wrapped in your wings delivered from sin
Introducing me to your devil’s lair
Sweet smell of whiskey lingering on my skin
I’m tortured by you and so it begins
Stretching me open and filling me up
A lonely vessel for his undying love
I’m pining for what once was there
Finding it hard to soar through the air
Broken thoughts and dark despair
Ice cold heart and empty stares
He feeds me his seed and falls down on his knees
But all I think of is you and what could have been
Feeling alone with thoughts of you
Fading my mind and consuming my blues
A constant reminder of the darkness within
Keep me wrapped in your wings delivered from sin
Published 7th Apr 2013
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reading list entries 0
comments 8
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See you like rhyme too.. at least with this piece. Many dont...me I'm a rhyme animal, preferably safely and with beats. I dont consider my writes poetry either. I just write stuff
People relate or they dont.
i thought this was just alright. Nothin really zinged me. Kinda low key in terms of the genre. Has that Twilight first draft feel to it. I see-read it as one to grow-build on particularly if you're into this style. Technically I'm thinking you could make the write a little tighter.
I'll shoot a PM over to you showing what I mean. Thanks for listing me and welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy your stay
k.
.
See you like rhyme too.. at least with this piece. Many dont...me I'm a rhyme animal, preferably safely and with beats. I dont consider my writes poetry either. I just write stuff
People relate or they dont.
i thought this was just alright. Nothin really zinged me. Kinda low key in terms of the genre. Has that Twilight first draft feel to it. I see-read it as one to grow-build on particularly if you're into this style. Technically I'm thinking you could make the write a little tighter.
I'll shoot a PM over to you showing what I mean. Thanks for listing me and welcome to the site. Hope you enjoy your stay
k.
9th Apr 2013 4:34am
Thanks for your feedback K. I appreciate it. I'm finding it hard to put down in print whats in my head. Look forward to reading your PM.
SD
SD
9th Apr 2013 3:57pm
9th Apr 2013 5:16pm
13th Apr 2013 10:58am
I think this is excellent. You have managed to portray emotion, writing from the heart.
Keep on writing and learning and you will find you have a developing talent!
Tim
Keep on writing and learning and you will find you have a developing talent!
Tim
15th Apr 2013 3:34am
Thanks for the encouragement Tim. Not used to writing poetry but I'm sure over time my writing will develop :)
19th Apr 2013 4:44am
19th Apr 2013 12:37pm
