Submissions by ex-periment-626 (somewhere in here)

im not really sure how to decribe what im feeling right now. i think i need to split my life into factors. in my relationship i feel defeated. that might be the only word i have. i have done so much wrong and caused so much hurt that im in this constant limbo between "i dont deserve to be treated well" and "i shouldn't be treated like this/talked to this way". and then some things hurt more than you could ever imagine but you never expect to happen and then it does and it slices you. what do you even say to your partner when they say the have no one? i dont think thats something i can ever...

i sadly woke up this morning
rolled out of bed
that hummingbird is still perched?
why is she so still?
why does she look so sad?
i have to help her fly
she can't live her life like this
sitting on the windowpane
imagining life
instead of living it
this might be tough
i don't know how to make her fly again
maybe if i care for her
she has to be hurt
why else would she want this life
no one ends up on the windowpane happy
i put a dollop of cherry syrup on the edge
that should attract some food for her ...

i constantly feel like i'm losing my mind. nothing i say is ever worth a damn. there can be no disagreeing. i have to be quiet and I have to be obedient. and please don't start on the bullshit of "I want to hear what you want to say" or "nobody's saying you can't disagree" because that's exactly what it is. bullshit. because when I disagree everything I've ever said or done becomes ammunition. when I say what I want to say it feels like i'm being gaslighted into oblivion. when i'm not quiet, i'm talked over and ignored. then I try to make you listen. to demand to say what I want to say. but...

why?

what is it?
what draws you back to me?
i spend my whole life
constantly ridding myself of you
and you always come back

you sick son of a bitch
I hope everything you've ever wanted
burns to the ground
a literal taste
of your own medicine

all you want to do is
suffocate me
twist yourself around my windpipe until
I
can't
breathe

but you like that
don't you?
you like having that power over me
don't you?
you like pushing me to the edge
don't you?
...