there's no need to read this either

im not really sure how to decribe what im feeling right now. i think i need to split my life into factors. in my relationship i feel defeated. that might be the only word i have. i have done so much wrong and caused so much hurt that im in this constant limbo between "i dont deserve to be treated well" and "i shouldn't be treated like this/talked to this way". and then some things hurt more than you could ever imagine but you never expect to happen and then it does and it slices you. what do you even say to your partner when they say the have no one? i dont think thats something i can ever get past. its all i think about. and how could he not feel like that? im not good for much outside of converting oxygen into carbon dioxide. and im also feeling frustrated. ive been shredding myself to the bone and i havent been ok for a long time. why do i have to be strong and sweep my feelings under the rug and be strong for everyone else until the point that i crumble and the pieces are impossible to pick up. then its how come you werent opening up? why did you let yourself get that low? why didn't you come to me? but i still do it. everyone says be strong for them and i do it every time. then i worked myself raw and through no fault of my own my body kept passing out from the exhaustion and i missed so much. and through doing that made everything worse. he didnt have me to lean on and now everythings worse. and i feel even more like shit because hes still going through those things and i dont know how to help him because he wont let me in but he wont let me in because i dont deserve to be let because of the times that i missed. but i deserve to feel this way because look at the things ive done and the conversations ive missed. and to fix it i just have to fix me and my problems. because if im there for my family and im there for my job and im there for misterms and im there for class and im there for homework and im working 10x harder to fix my relationship by having one sided conversations then im ok right? i just have to keep writing to avoid keeping things inside and then im ok? be up when im supposed to be up, be up when hes supposed to be up and im ok right? i was feeling so burnt out and raw and not ok but i'll have him and thats ok right? its ok to feel insane and like im going completely bonkers as long as everyone else is ok right? so after i make everyone else ok nothing else will matter. i said i was gonna slit this up and i didnt. i feel broken and isolated and scared and like im in trouble. the last time i contemplated suicide and i mean really wanted to die by whatever means i could, i felt so isolated and lonely and disgusted with myself and my impact back in december when my whole life burst into flames. and now here i am almost four months later, in the same exact place. im tired. its indescribable. and it gets worse when i wake up and actually process that i woke up again. and who do i tell? absolutely no one. i started pushing to be able to take my pills back to school and i say its insomnia but i know the real reason why. its so i can finally go and i'll be too far away for anyone to stop me. and im scared. why dont i want to be stopped. why dont i want someone to rescue me again so i can live? so im scared to be by myself but thats all i am. and it feels like no one knows how hard it is. to constantly be alone. i see him sometimes for days at a time and its great and i love it so much but i want more. at least a friend. and to be honest? sometimes i dont mind maguzzi's no call rule because it feels like im connecting with people. i notice that there are people outside of my partner and sometimes i really like it. but i feel so guilty everytime because thats time that i could be back at school and we get to talk on the phone. but the isolation is so crippling. and do you know what? my apartment is the perfect place to do it because no one would notice that im gone. and do you know what else? i haven't been able to reach a full hours of sobriety in a long ass time and nobody knows. all anybody knows is "shes staying strong". even when i come out and say flat out "im drowning" or "i need help" its "youre so strong though you'll get through it". im not strong, im not getting through it, my scalp is covered in so many scabs i cant lie down properly and my body is littered with cuts. so is this strength to you? do i still seem fine? well i'll continue to seem that way because thats what everyone needs. right until the very end.