Love dark satire? help!
EdibleWords
Forum Posts: 3004
Tyrant of Words
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Joined 7th Jan 2018Forum Posts: 3004
I need a wise test audience!
I wrote part of a script I will hopefully finish. Actually 9 or ten scenes at this point, but I'm in danger of quitting or long term pausing due to lack of feedback.
"Pig in a Web" is the name
If you don't laugh, I need to know
If you can't finish reading it because of boredom I want to know when your boredom set in.
If you love it I need to know
If you want me to finish it you better tell me!!
Thank you for reading!
I wrote part of a script I will hopefully finish. Actually 9 or ten scenes at this point, but I'm in danger of quitting or long term pausing due to lack of feedback.
"Pig in a Web" is the name
If you don't laugh, I need to know
If you can't finish reading it because of boredom I want to know when your boredom set in.
If you love it I need to know
If you want me to finish it you better tell me!!
Thank you for reading!
EdibleWords
Forum Posts: 3004
Tyrant of Words
9
Joined 7th Jan 2018Forum Posts: 3004
EdibleWords
Forum Posts: 3004
Tyrant of Words
9
Joined 7th Jan 2018Forum Posts: 3004
Pig in a Web (continued from scene 6)
Scene 6
Sheep 1 Willy
Sheep 2 Willy
Sheep 3 Willy
Sheep 1 It’s simple math: Daddy gave Heather Willy and in return Heather gives him the willies.
Sheep 2 Despite all Daddy’s efforts, something wasn't adding up for the family. Will Heather be a pig farmer or a politician?
Willy is sitting on the kitchen floor sucking on a wet envelope corner, whimpering quietly. Daddy comes in and sees little Willy.
Daddy: Where is Heather? Didn't you get your breakfast before she ran to school? I showed her how to make your milk twice yesterday! Sorry I didn't butcher you, you poor little sap!
Daddy busies himself making Willy’s bottle.
Daddy: If she keeps doing this, you will buy a bike for me, Willie. That is, if you keep growing. You are still quite a little guy. Not a good return on the formula so far.
Sheep 3: Poor Daddy! That pig was neglected and sure to get into enough trouble to land him in the doghouse with Scooter. He couldn't just let him roam all over the house alone during school hours! So next thing you know, he's Daddy’s pocket pal in the tractor.
Scene 7:
In the barn:
Daddy: Here's your old home with your whole family nestled happily together.
Willy: Mommypig! I love you all so much! I miss your big juicy pig nipple meant just for me! It might have been the smallest nipple, but I'm small, and it's more than Heather ever fed me!
Mommypig: You shouldn't have rejected us all. Your siblings are very angry. I'm glad you can see your mistake.
Willy: Mistake? What mistake? You talking to me? I want an apology! Those losers pushed me to the smallest nipple!
Daddy: awww… look, you and Mommypig talking again! Wanna go see her? Get some milk from your old teat?
Daddy sets Willy in the pen and Mommypig chases him away violently.
Mommypig: Come back with that attitude again, little runt, and I'll eat you, myself!
Daddy takes him back to the tractor.
Daddy: Better luck next time, little fella! Mommypig seems to have mistaken you for a rat. Maybe get a little bigger, a little more piggy-like, maybe. You're just a skinny little alien to her for now.
Sheep 1: At least the housecat didn't try to eat him.
Sheep 2: And Scooter loved him. Even let him eat his canned dog food.
Sheep 3: He even napped in the dog bed with him. But as much as little Willy loved dog food, he discovered he loved all things pork, just like Heather.
Heather is sitting at the table feeding little Willy sandwich scraps.
Daddy: Don't you think Willy is a little young to become a cannibal? Or eat solid food?
Heather: I caught him eating out of Scooter’s bowl!
Daddy: hungry piglets will do anything to grow. You should still be giving him a bottle. Where is his bottle, Heather?
Scooter brings it over to Daddy, tail wagging. It looks dirty, slimy, and marred like a dog’s chew toy. Daddy can barely stand to pick it up, but takes it to the sink.
Daddy: Come over here and wash this bottle. Why do you let Scooter play with Willy all day? You know what happened to the last piglet that befriended him!
Just then Ben walks into the kitchen.
Heather: I have trouble believing Scooter is a killer, let alone a danger to a piglet. Bet Ben decided to use his 4h project as a stunt pig for his pizza box parachutes. Then fearing the truth, framed his poor harmless bird dog.
Ben: You don't know anything! He's a ruthless killer. You should see how he brings me the birds.
Heather: All torn up, huh? They die of fright, but don't have a single scratch on them. You wouldn't hunt ducks with him, otherwise, you big ole storyteller! I’ve heard how you brag to your friends.
Daddy: That's enough! I hate listening to you two bickering. Ben, take your dog for a walk. Heather needs to take care of your dog’s new chew toy.
Scene 8
Sheep 1: Daddy was the smartest pig on the farm, and he knew he had to stop the feeding and care of Heather’s pig around the house. That is, if he wanted to eat dinner and have dessert. But the barn was full and Willy, at 5 weeks old, was still too runty to run around with the other pigs.
Heather is feeding Willy leftover ham and mashed potatoes in the kitchen when Daddy walks in.
Daddy: Where's Willy’s bottle?
Heather: I lost it again and I'm late! I have to run to school! I had to give him leftovers real fast. Love you Daddy, bye!
Daddy: Wait! I want to tell you something important really quick.
Heather: Hurry! I mean, ok, really quick please.
Daddy: Your Auntie Mel agreed to keep Willy in her barn for us. I hope you won't mind. She's just down the road so you can visit….
Heather: Great! Bye!
Daddy: That was too easy.
Daddy turns to Willy.
Daddy: Don't worry little fella, it will be great over there. You will see!
Scooter walks in with Willy’s dirty bottle. Daddy makes a face as he takes it.
Daddy: Thank you, Scooter. I will feed your little friend.
Sheep 1 Willy
Sheep 2 Willy
Sheep 3 Willy
Sheep 1 It’s simple math: Daddy gave Heather Willy and in return Heather gives him the willies.
Sheep 2 Despite all Daddy’s efforts, something wasn't adding up for the family. Will Heather be a pig farmer or a politician?
Willy is sitting on the kitchen floor sucking on a wet envelope corner, whimpering quietly. Daddy comes in and sees little Willy.
Daddy: Where is Heather? Didn't you get your breakfast before she ran to school? I showed her how to make your milk twice yesterday! Sorry I didn't butcher you, you poor little sap!
Daddy busies himself making Willy’s bottle.
Daddy: If she keeps doing this, you will buy a bike for me, Willie. That is, if you keep growing. You are still quite a little guy. Not a good return on the formula so far.
Sheep 3: Poor Daddy! That pig was neglected and sure to get into enough trouble to land him in the doghouse with Scooter. He couldn't just let him roam all over the house alone during school hours! So next thing you know, he's Daddy’s pocket pal in the tractor.
Scene 7:
In the barn:
Daddy: Here's your old home with your whole family nestled happily together.
Willy: Mommypig! I love you all so much! I miss your big juicy pig nipple meant just for me! It might have been the smallest nipple, but I'm small, and it's more than Heather ever fed me!
Mommypig: You shouldn't have rejected us all. Your siblings are very angry. I'm glad you can see your mistake.
Willy: Mistake? What mistake? You talking to me? I want an apology! Those losers pushed me to the smallest nipple!
Daddy: awww… look, you and Mommypig talking again! Wanna go see her? Get some milk from your old teat?
Daddy sets Willy in the pen and Mommypig chases him away violently.
Mommypig: Come back with that attitude again, little runt, and I'll eat you, myself!
Daddy takes him back to the tractor.
Daddy: Better luck next time, little fella! Mommypig seems to have mistaken you for a rat. Maybe get a little bigger, a little more piggy-like, maybe. You're just a skinny little alien to her for now.
Sheep 1: At least the housecat didn't try to eat him.
Sheep 2: And Scooter loved him. Even let him eat his canned dog food.
Sheep 3: He even napped in the dog bed with him. But as much as little Willy loved dog food, he discovered he loved all things pork, just like Heather.
Heather is sitting at the table feeding little Willy sandwich scraps.
Daddy: Don't you think Willy is a little young to become a cannibal? Or eat solid food?
Heather: I caught him eating out of Scooter’s bowl!
Daddy: hungry piglets will do anything to grow. You should still be giving him a bottle. Where is his bottle, Heather?
Scooter brings it over to Daddy, tail wagging. It looks dirty, slimy, and marred like a dog’s chew toy. Daddy can barely stand to pick it up, but takes it to the sink.
Daddy: Come over here and wash this bottle. Why do you let Scooter play with Willy all day? You know what happened to the last piglet that befriended him!
Just then Ben walks into the kitchen.
Heather: I have trouble believing Scooter is a killer, let alone a danger to a piglet. Bet Ben decided to use his 4h project as a stunt pig for his pizza box parachutes. Then fearing the truth, framed his poor harmless bird dog.
Ben: You don't know anything! He's a ruthless killer. You should see how he brings me the birds.
Heather: All torn up, huh? They die of fright, but don't have a single scratch on them. You wouldn't hunt ducks with him, otherwise, you big ole storyteller! I’ve heard how you brag to your friends.
Daddy: That's enough! I hate listening to you two bickering. Ben, take your dog for a walk. Heather needs to take care of your dog’s new chew toy.
Scene 8
Sheep 1: Daddy was the smartest pig on the farm, and he knew he had to stop the feeding and care of Heather’s pig around the house. That is, if he wanted to eat dinner and have dessert. But the barn was full and Willy, at 5 weeks old, was still too runty to run around with the other pigs.
Heather is feeding Willy leftover ham and mashed potatoes in the kitchen when Daddy walks in.
Daddy: Where's Willy’s bottle?
Heather: I lost it again and I'm late! I have to run to school! I had to give him leftovers real fast. Love you Daddy, bye!
Daddy: Wait! I want to tell you something important really quick.
Heather: Hurry! I mean, ok, really quick please.
Daddy: Your Auntie Mel agreed to keep Willy in her barn for us. I hope you won't mind. She's just down the road so you can visit….
Heather: Great! Bye!
Daddy: That was too easy.
Daddy turns to Willy.
Daddy: Don't worry little fella, it will be great over there. You will see!
Scooter walks in with Willy’s dirty bottle. Daddy makes a face as he takes it.
Daddy: Thank you, Scooter. I will feed your little friend.
Written by EdibleWords
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EdibleWords
Forum Posts: 3004
Tyrant of Words
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Joined 7th Jan 2018Forum Posts: 3004
Related submission no longer exists.
EdibleWords
Forum Posts: 3004
Tyrant of Words
9
Joined 7th Jan 2018Forum Posts: 3004
Related submission no longer exists.
EdibleWords
Forum Posts: 3004
Tyrant of Words
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Joined 7th Jan 2018Forum Posts: 3004
Also I want to know if the script makes you want to see what happens next to the various players.
Ralph_Tamez
Wasere
Joined 20th Sep 2018
Forum Posts: 126
Wasere
Twisted Dreamer
Forum Posts: 126
I will start to read it.. not sure how far I will get tonight but will give feedback .
Ralph_Tamez
Wasere
Joined 20th Sep 2018
Forum Posts: 126
Wasere
Twisted Dreamer
Forum Posts: 126
Heather opens her mouth to say more.
. Just then daddy, gives her that look...she snaps her trap tight .. saying no more.. ...
Not sure yet who the audience is but .. I dunno .. using stupid may be a little vulgar.. at least imop..in scene 2
OK reading on lol
Scene 6 where daddy sees willy on the floor
Daddy; Sigh.. where is heather? Peering down as little willy is still suckling the envelope.. as daddy picks up little willy he grumbles through his teeth.. didn't heather feed you before running off to school..
OK moving on .
It's a good story.. write on . It's captivating imop.
. Just then daddy, gives her that look...she snaps her trap tight .. saying no more.. ...
Not sure yet who the audience is but .. I dunno .. using stupid may be a little vulgar.. at least imop..in scene 2
OK reading on lol
Scene 6 where daddy sees willy on the floor
Daddy; Sigh.. where is heather? Peering down as little willy is still suckling the envelope.. as daddy picks up little willy he grumbles through his teeth.. didn't heather feed you before running off to school..
OK moving on .
It's a good story.. write on . It's captivating imop.
EdibleWords
Forum Posts: 3004
Tyrant of Words
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Joined 7th Jan 2018Forum Posts: 3004
Thank you so much, Ralf!! Golden info.
I will also sub to your channel so I can get to know you better and enjoy your contributions!
I will also sub to your channel so I can get to know you better and enjoy your contributions!
Ralph_Tamez
Wasere
Joined 20th Sep 2018
Forum Posts: 126
Wasere
Twisted Dreamer
Forum Posts: 126
Your very welcome. Creating a story is fun.. when you can put everything else on hold .. and dive in lol
Ralph_Tamez
Wasere
Joined 20th Sep 2018
Forum Posts: 126
Wasere
Twisted Dreamer
Forum Posts: 126
Willy wakes suddenly.. to the sound of teeth gnawing on a cage.. garr..garrf..they trapped me again!! Sneered Ralph the Rat.. lol seemed like all the other animals had a name...
EdibleWords
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Tyrant of Words
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Joined 7th Jan 2018Forum Posts: 3004
Ralph_Tamez said:Willy wakes suddenly.. to the sound of teeth gnawing on a cage.. garr..garrf..they trapped me again!! Sneered Ralph the Rat.. lol seemed like all the other animals had a name...
Oh... you caught me making a key mistake. I should have said "Tommy the rat" when I introduced the caged rat, since I then labeled him as Tommy. Oops! Good thing I had a little help seeing that.
And Ralf? Cool idea. I'll ponder. No promises. Tommy the rat was working at least in my head, though.
Thank you, on both counts. Means a lot to me, actually!!
Oh... you caught me making a key mistake. I should have said "Tommy the rat" when I introduced the caged rat, since I then labeled him as Tommy. Oops! Good thing I had a little help seeing that.
And Ralf? Cool idea. I'll ponder. No promises. Tommy the rat was working at least in my head, though.
Thank you, on both counts. Means a lot to me, actually!!
EdibleWords
Forum Posts: 3004
Tyrant of Words
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Joined 7th Jan 2018Forum Posts: 3004
Related submission no longer exists.
EdibleWords
Forum Posts: 3004
Tyrant of Words
9
Joined 7th Jan 2018Forum Posts: 3004
Related submission no longer exists.
EdibleWords
Forum Posts: 3004
Tyrant of Words
9
Joined 7th Jan 2018Forum Posts: 3004
Related submission no longer exists.