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How is this poem?
What are your thoughts on this poem? It's my first poem. Does it flow well, is the rhythm good?
My goal was to write a poem using a metaphor to describe feelings of continuely loving a long distance past lover. A Rose continuly growing towards the sun seemed like the best metaphor for that. As a plant is basically an inanimate object that grows and rose was a good metaphor for heart but do you feel its too cliche in how it's used? I couldn't think of better metaphor for this. I wanted to paint imagery as if watching a nature phenomenon accruing? Was all this achieved and could it have been done better?
If you could it aspects of it a rating of 1-10 that would be nice too thank you.
"A radiance shines, brighter then the most spectacular star.
A sun with glimmering rays, a distant orb but not too far.
A beam that pierces, a shimmering spear put through a thin veil.
red petals open, warm to touch but all too frail.
A crimson core lay bare, an abyss filled beyond confines.
Mesmerizing and captivating, the deepest trance.
An attention taken as dawn signs.
Surreal and hypnotic, a dream not of this world.
entwined to a stunning shimmer, up lifting to an elegant sight.
Drawn towards a glister, until dusk's last light.
A leaf reaching for a glimmer, with all a stem can muster.
A flower in the rain, fading and growing, with each passing luster.
A brilliant sun, a horizon filled as far as it stretches.
A rose, vibrant and dethorned.
Enchanting and alluring, a star.
A rose, drawn and seized.
Enthralled, its strong stem wavers, bending in the breeze.
A crimson core lay bare, an abyss filled beyond confines.
A Beautiful orb of luminance, time it certainly out shines.
A rose lay open, until a harsh winter's freeze. "
My goal was to write a poem using a metaphor to describe feelings of continuely loving a long distance past lover. A Rose continuly growing towards the sun seemed like the best metaphor for that. As a plant is basically an inanimate object that grows and rose was a good metaphor for heart but do you feel its too cliche in how it's used? I couldn't think of better metaphor for this. I wanted to paint imagery as if watching a nature phenomenon accruing? Was all this achieved and could it have been done better?
If you could it aspects of it a rating of 1-10 that would be nice too thank you.
"A radiance shines, brighter then the most spectacular star.
A sun with glimmering rays, a distant orb but not too far.
A beam that pierces, a shimmering spear put through a thin veil.
red petals open, warm to touch but all too frail.
A crimson core lay bare, an abyss filled beyond confines.
Mesmerizing and captivating, the deepest trance.
An attention taken as dawn signs.
Surreal and hypnotic, a dream not of this world.
entwined to a stunning shimmer, up lifting to an elegant sight.
Drawn towards a glister, until dusk's last light.
A leaf reaching for a glimmer, with all a stem can muster.
A flower in the rain, fading and growing, with each passing luster.
A brilliant sun, a horizon filled as far as it stretches.
A rose, vibrant and dethorned.
Enchanting and alluring, a star.
A rose, drawn and seized.
Enthralled, its strong stem wavers, bending in the breeze.
A crimson core lay bare, an abyss filled beyond confines.
A Beautiful orb of luminance, time it certainly out shines.
A rose lay open, until a harsh winter's freeze. "
Anonymous
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Please post your critique request in our group, that is specifically for that purpose, and/or post it in your "My Poems" section, so that others can read it and leave their thoughts. Thanks
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/groups/honestly-crafted-critique/discussion/
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/groups/honestly-crafted-critique/discussion/
