Poetry competition CLOSED 12th April 2016 11:53pm
WINNER
_shadoe_ (yiyi)
_shadoe_ (yiyi)
RUNNER-UP:
Artemios
Make me laugh
Poetry Contest Description
write anything....the one that makes me laugh the hardest wins...two entrys max
my example....
Letters Santa never received
these are letters I found in an old mail bag....never received by Santa.
Dear Santa,
Can we just get one world series, please.
The 2104 Chicago Cubs
Dear Santa,
I hope you freeze up there you bastard!
All the other holidays
Dear Santa,
All we want for Christmas is to get some sleep.
The bullfrogs
Dear Santa,
Could you PLEASE make fruitcake a tradition on some other holiday.
Every kid forced to eat that crap.
Dearest Mr.Kringle,
Your electric bill is three months over due,I am afraid we are going to have to terminate services immediately.
world power corp.
Hey Buddy,
Can I get a golf cart or something so I don't have to lug these eggs around,
Thanks The Easter Bunny
Dear Santa,
Could you get rid of the kung fu grip, I almost rip the damn thing off every time i masterbate.
G.I. Joe
Dear Santa,
Can we finally get two snowflakes that match so we can get on with the serious stuff.
The science community
Dear Santa,
All I want is someone to clean up this mess.
Dec 26th
Dearest Mr.Clause,
As the ruler of your feeble planet I figured that I should warn you of our arrival, in case you want to get out now.
The aliens that are coming
Dear Santa,
Just send money.
Every college student, anywhere, earth.
Dear Santa,
Can you keep us hidden for one more year.The kids are really good with the reindeer and the wife always sings you the birth-day song,even though Mrs. Clause doesn't like it.
thanks
Elvis & Marilyn Presley
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is some new F#%@ing reindeer to help us pull the sleigh. Blitzen and I ate the other bastards.
Donner.
Dear Santa,
Could you send me a set of keys for my new trick, I lost the old ones.
Thanks, Houdini
Dear Santa,
Could you Please get rid of these damn Camouflaged zombies!
The koala community
my example...
Dear Santa,
Just a quick note.If you get anything from the koala's, ignore it.
Camouflaged community of zombies.
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a hole in my head for getting into this mess.
Abraham Lincoln.
Letters Santa never received
these are letters I found in an old mail bag....never received by Santa.
Dear Santa,
Can we just get one world series, please.
The 2104 Chicago Cubs
Dear Santa,
I hope you freeze up there you bastard!
All the other holidays
Dear Santa,
All we want for Christmas is to get some sleep.
The bullfrogs
Dear Santa,
Could you PLEASE make fruitcake a tradition on some other holiday.
Every kid forced to eat that crap.
Dearest Mr.Kringle,
Your electric bill is three months over due,I am afraid we are going to have to terminate services immediately.
world power corp.
Hey Buddy,
Can I get a golf cart or something so I don't have to lug these eggs around,
Thanks The Easter Bunny
Dear Santa,
Could you get rid of the kung fu grip, I almost rip the damn thing off every time i masterbate.
G.I. Joe
Dear Santa,
Can we finally get two snowflakes that match so we can get on with the serious stuff.
The science community
Dear Santa,
All I want is someone to clean up this mess.
Dec 26th
Dearest Mr.Clause,
As the ruler of your feeble planet I figured that I should warn you of our arrival, in case you want to get out now.
The aliens that are coming
Dear Santa,
Just send money.
Every college student, anywhere, earth.
Dear Santa,
Can you keep us hidden for one more year.The kids are really good with the reindeer and the wife always sings you the birth-day song,even though Mrs. Clause doesn't like it.
thanks
Elvis & Marilyn Presley
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is some new F#%@ing reindeer to help us pull the sleigh. Blitzen and I ate the other bastards.
Donner.
Dear Santa,
Could you send me a set of keys for my new trick, I lost the old ones.
Thanks, Houdini
Dear Santa,
Could you Please get rid of these damn Camouflaged zombies!
The koala community
my example...
Dear Santa,
Just a quick note.If you get anything from the koala's, ignore it.
Camouflaged community of zombies.
Dear Santa,
All I want for Christmas is a hole in my head for getting into this mess.
Abraham Lincoln.
Laughter
Comp For ...*SatansSperm*
Sweet Whispers And Warm Eyes,
The Heart Loves What no Sight,
Shattered Hearts And Broken Dreams,
The Heart No With No Mind,
Abusive Spouse, Scream Out Shout
The Heart loves Without Doubt.
Controlling Or Jealousy,
The Heart Won't Tell You To Leave:
Cheating Partner With A Loyal lover ,
Because the heart Don't care.
The Mind thinking No But The Heart Cries Yes,
Causing You So Much Stress.
No Knowledge Can Save You,
Because the heart can't Change You.
Love Is Blind And this true,
I've Lost Count Of How Many Times my heart Has Been Bruised .
So Say Want You Want And Do As You Must,
There's No Controlling The heart When It Come To True Love
Copyright © Ashley Evans | Year Posted 2016
random acts of cuntiness ~
{i}
if you're gonna nick one of my future baby names
& be kind enough to remind me that i only have one ovary
& my chances of conception are practically non existent;
you really can't be offended when i point out that your kids initials are
v.d
{ii} dear nosey sales assistant at the book shop:
no,
i don't need you hovering while i'm browsing
the paranormal erotica shelf
unless you're secretly a very well hung vampire
on the in with jr ward & can get me an arc of her latest book,
i'm all for being yourself unless you can be rage ...
... then be hollywood
otherwise, feck off & leave me to it
{iii} he said my modeling chocolate flowers looked like wilted vaginas,
so i glued his cock to his stomach while he slept. wood glue.
bless irony.
{i}
if you're gonna nick one of my future baby names
& be kind enough to remind me that i only have one ovary
& my chances of conception are practically non existent;
you really can't be offended when i point out that your kids initials are
v.d
{ii} dear nosey sales assistant at the book shop:
no,
i don't need you hovering while i'm browsing
the paranormal erotica shelf
unless you're secretly a very well hung vampire
on the in with jr ward & can get me an arc of her latest book,
i'm all for being yourself unless you can be rage ...
... then be hollywood
otherwise, feck off & leave me to it
{iii} he said my modeling chocolate flowers looked like wilted vaginas,
so i glued his cock to his stomach while he slept. wood glue.
bless irony.
gated communities are compounds for the
criminally insane ~
{i}
bored shitless
so much so, i've thought of turning your nutsack into a
coin purse
consider it an avant-garde art project
a way to occupy my time between book club & cooking
you dinner.
can't be dealing with the cardigan & white wine
committee
those bitches make me lick out my medication bottle like
i'm eating pussy
i'm a knee socks & nickers till noon kinda girl
deal with it
{ii}
she's got her five year old in a stroller
i shit you not
he wears ray-bans & she pushes him about like he never
reached that milestone
porky little brat with an ipad
it makes me want to kick a puppy or spit holes in
sidewalks
[whichever pisses off the superintendent most]
wouldn't see any of it if i wasn't stripping to orkan on the
balcony
luckily folks know not to look up
{iii}
you have to stop clamping your hand over my mouth
when we fuck
town houses weren't built with the likes of me in mind
if you didn't do that twisty thing with your hips
& never punctuated degradation with thrusts
i might not make noises human women shouldn't
i got my nickname for a reason
criminally insane ~
{i}
bored shitless
so much so, i've thought of turning your nutsack into a
coin purse
consider it an avant-garde art project
a way to occupy my time between book club & cooking
you dinner.
can't be dealing with the cardigan & white wine
committee
those bitches make me lick out my medication bottle like
i'm eating pussy
i'm a knee socks & nickers till noon kinda girl
deal with it
{ii}
she's got her five year old in a stroller
i shit you not
he wears ray-bans & she pushes him about like he never
reached that milestone
porky little brat with an ipad
it makes me want to kick a puppy or spit holes in
sidewalks
[whichever pisses off the superintendent most]
wouldn't see any of it if i wasn't stripping to orkan on the
balcony
luckily folks know not to look up
{iii}
you have to stop clamping your hand over my mouth
when we fuck
town houses weren't built with the likes of me in mind
if you didn't do that twisty thing with your hips
& never punctuated degradation with thrusts
i might not make noises human women shouldn't
i got my nickname for a reason
Anonymous
<< post removed >>
_shadoe_ said: random acts of cuntiness ~
{i}
if you're gonna nick one of my future baby names
& be kind enough to remind me that i only have one ovary
& my chances of conception are practically non existent;
you really can't be offended when i point out that your kids initials are
v.d <<<<< You hot shit you, Shado, I love it!
{ii} dear nosey sales assistant at the book shop:
no,
i don't need you hovering while i'm browsing
the paranormal erotica shelf
unless you're secretly a very well hung vampire
on the in with jr ward & can get me an arc of her latest book,
i'm all for being yourself unless you can be rage ...
... then be hollywood
otherwise, feck off & leave me to it
{iii} he said my modeling chocolate flowers looked like wilted vaginas,
so i glued his cock to his stomach while he slept. wood glue.
bless irony.
Perfect!
My goodness u got me dying ova here!!!!
{i}
if you're gonna nick one of my future baby names
& be kind enough to remind me that i only have one ovary
& my chances of conception are practically non existent;
you really can't be offended when i point out that your kids initials are
v.d <<<<< You hot shit you, Shado, I love it!
{ii} dear nosey sales assistant at the book shop:
no,
i don't need you hovering while i'm browsing
the paranormal erotica shelf
unless you're secretly a very well hung vampire
on the in with jr ward & can get me an arc of her latest book,
i'm all for being yourself unless you can be rage ...
... then be hollywood
otherwise, feck off & leave me to it
{iii} he said my modeling chocolate flowers looked like wilted vaginas,
so i glued his cock to his stomach while he slept. wood glue.
bless irony.
Perfect!
My goodness u got me dying ova here!!!!
Famous people in different jobs [episode III ] Cristopher Walken
What if one day Christopher Walken has to take over for a "missing" Mr. Rogers.....Call it "Christopher's Corner."...the neighborhood will never be the same....
[ door opens to Christopher Walken singing ] "It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood
hit you with my car....strapped you too the hood.....now your mine, now your mine { opens closet,full of bodies draped off hangers...takes off Armani trench coat, puts it in closet grabs a kevlar vest & as he is putting it on,closes door],,.."it's a beautiful day for a scam or two...extortion racketeering it is all good for you ...now your mine now your mine....I have always wanted to own a neighbor just like you....with a smokin hot wife & beautiful daughter that I can screw..with....so let's bet the horses what da ya say.....double or nothing you might as well play....now you've lost your shirt....poor as the dirt...so glad that your my neighbor....a little off the top please....& you down on your knees...god...i love this neighbor....hood.....[sits down takes off bloody shoes...replaces them with fuzzy cat slippers..]." I love cats....they are like women...you never know what they are thinking."....[sits down in a Chesterfield chair lights a "imported Cohiba cigar",grabs a snifter of cognac crosses his legs ,shaking the kittens on his feet...sets his glock on the table next to him and picks up a book..]." I have a friend named Sal, he owns a little Bistro in the neighborhood,he makes the most excellent Pasta Puttanesca....he learned it from his first wife....she was a whore....I love pasta....Sal...loved his wife...till he found out ....anyway this is a book of poems .All little kids should learn the stories,the one i will read to you today is called "stitches for snitches"
Timmy couldn't keep his mouth shut
so he got a barrel up his f@#king butt
blew off his snitch head right there in the street
then buried the rest of him in the buckwheat
you should have lied to the cops,it's easy to do
now your feeding worms...your bones used for glue.
That reminds me...it is now craft time...o.k. kiddies go ask your mothers for some Elmer's, we are going to make a collage....and remember "don't run with the scissors,you could take out somebody's groin with those things. ..Then it is off to the land of make believe....where the Mafia doesn't exist...cops are not on the take...politicians are honest...and you can trust the clergy & teachers with your children...
That Moment
That moment when,
a song takes over you,
while you are sitting on a bus,
and you want nothing more,
than to belt it out loud,
so to compromise,
and not look like a total lunatic,
you mouth the words,
and nod your head a little,
A-mused.
That moment when,
a song takes over you,
while you are sitting on a bus,
and you want nothing more,
than to belt it out loud,
so to compromise,
and not look like a total lunatic,
you mouth the words,
and nod your head a little,
A-mused.
- The Isle of Snugglindon -
On the Isle of Snugglindon, upon the forest floor,
The silly little wugglebugs, are scurrying around.
“Oh, if I only had a brain!” they’ll say once more,
When the silly little bugs, deem to make a sound.
But no one ever hears those wugglebugs at play…
And most ignore the dens they’ll build in summer.
For high above, the mak-mak birds fly, every day,
Saying: “We must mak-mak our nests!” so sure…
And when you hear these birds calling, so loudly,
You might forget those furry rarglesnarfs so close.
As they lumber through the woods, ever proudly,
Hunting for honey in the buzzy trees by the coasts.
“Oh, I am so fierce and furry!” they’ll say to all…
So the bees drop their honeycombs, and fly so far!
The rarglesnarf is delighted to see the prize to fall,
Whilst mother moon laughs, oft tickling every star.
And there: telling woodchuck jokes in the shade…
Of the bigawig tree, sits a wise ancient hermit crab.
He knows the names of every animal as God made,
And he recites them before bed, him slightly mad!
Often pirates like to come to search for a treasure,
But when they say “Arrrgh!” they’ll have to run…
Lest those rarglesnarfs catch them with a pleasure,
To tickle them into revealing: their barrels of rum.
Now the wookisnooks bring whisky and often yell:
“Uz me, uz you!” and sing old wookisnook songs.
The critters drink until they dream after night fell,
Until the ring ringing: of the early morning gongs.
Within the trees, where the gong-ringers still live,
Fur-balls with arms and legs both strong and long.
It is they: who make the whisky that they do give,
To the wookisnooks: in return for a game of pong.
And once every seven moons, to the cry of loons,
The creatures of Snugglindon Isle hold their party.
With stumbles and swoons, and hungry raccoons,
They drink ‘till they drop and eat feasts so hearty!
Where, oh where a navigator might ask himself…
Oh where or wherever is uncharted Snugglindon?
I’ve heard that there lives many an enchanted elf,
On that island, where strange critters dwell upon!
You’ll not find it on maps: nor by taking catnaps,
And certainly it can’t be found by swimming off.
You could swim for laps until all strength it saps,
Or, you could simply ask the average gargleboff!
But since they only live on the isle that you seek,
There is only one way to be certain you’ll arrive.
Why not ask: any child, on any day of the week?
They’ll happily tell you where the critters thrive!
On the Isle of Snugglindon, upon the forest floor,
The silly little wugglebugs, are scurrying around.
“Oh, if I only had a brain!” they’ll say once more,
When the silly little bugs, deem to make a sound.
But no one ever hears those wugglebugs at play…
And most ignore the dens they’ll build in summer.
For high above, the mak-mak birds fly, every day,
Saying: “We must mak-mak our nests!” so sure…
And when you hear these birds calling, so loudly,
You might forget those furry rarglesnarfs so close.
As they lumber through the woods, ever proudly,
Hunting for honey in the buzzy trees by the coasts.
“Oh, I am so fierce and furry!” they’ll say to all…
So the bees drop their honeycombs, and fly so far!
The rarglesnarf is delighted to see the prize to fall,
Whilst mother moon laughs, oft tickling every star.
And there: telling woodchuck jokes in the shade…
Of the bigawig tree, sits a wise ancient hermit crab.
He knows the names of every animal as God made,
And he recites them before bed, him slightly mad!
Often pirates like to come to search for a treasure,
But when they say “Arrrgh!” they’ll have to run…
Lest those rarglesnarfs catch them with a pleasure,
To tickle them into revealing: their barrels of rum.
Now the wookisnooks bring whisky and often yell:
“Uz me, uz you!” and sing old wookisnook songs.
The critters drink until they dream after night fell,
Until the ring ringing: of the early morning gongs.
Within the trees, where the gong-ringers still live,
Fur-balls with arms and legs both strong and long.
It is they: who make the whisky that they do give,
To the wookisnooks: in return for a game of pong.
And once every seven moons, to the cry of loons,
The creatures of Snugglindon Isle hold their party.
With stumbles and swoons, and hungry raccoons,
They drink ‘till they drop and eat feasts so hearty!
Where, oh where a navigator might ask himself…
Oh where or wherever is uncharted Snugglindon?
I’ve heard that there lives many an enchanted elf,
On that island, where strange critters dwell upon!
You’ll not find it on maps: nor by taking catnaps,
And certainly it can’t be found by swimming off.
You could swim for laps until all strength it saps,
Or, you could simply ask the average gargleboff!
But since they only live on the isle that you seek,
There is only one way to be certain you’ll arrive.
Why not ask: any child, on any day of the week?
They’ll happily tell you where the critters thrive!
- The Death of Cupid -
Aphrodite spied the god of love one day, that pesky Eros!
Cupid some called him, and made of him that fat little imp,
Which decorates cards one day a year, with his pudgy toes.
But the goddess was jealous, all because of that silly gimp,
Who stole the fame that was rightfully hers, and her alone!
So she went to the god of war one day, Ares the crimson,
And together they hatched a plan of bloody steel and stone.
By their design, the god of love would be entirely undone!
Ares waited by the pillars of Olympus, watching the clouds,
Whilst Eros visited fools below, giving heats to each couple.
The god of war waited long hearing the many joyous shouts,
Which sickened him, and made his muscles tighten supple.
He waited all of that Valentine’s Day for Eros to get done,
Plotting mad murder of that annoying god, one and for all!
Tightening his grip on his sword, anticipating a scarlet fun…
He smiled when at last foolish Eros flew by Olympus’ wall.
Close to the pillar where Ares hid, the winged god did fly,
Never suspected his end was near, and so he did shriek…
Whilst the god of war did slice him in two with a battle cry!
Valentine’s Day was finished, its’ mascot never to speak.
Ares tore the wings from out Eros’ back, a trophy so red,
And brought them before Aphrodite, to lie at her soft feet.
Even more delighted was she, to see Eros’ cloven head…
Now love was hers alone to grant, on her terms to meet.
Aphrodite spied the god of love one day, that pesky Eros!
Cupid some called him, and made of him that fat little imp,
Which decorates cards one day a year, with his pudgy toes.
But the goddess was jealous, all because of that silly gimp,
Who stole the fame that was rightfully hers, and her alone!
So she went to the god of war one day, Ares the crimson,
And together they hatched a plan of bloody steel and stone.
By their design, the god of love would be entirely undone!
Ares waited by the pillars of Olympus, watching the clouds,
Whilst Eros visited fools below, giving heats to each couple.
The god of war waited long hearing the many joyous shouts,
Which sickened him, and made his muscles tighten supple.
He waited all of that Valentine’s Day for Eros to get done,
Plotting mad murder of that annoying god, one and for all!
Tightening his grip on his sword, anticipating a scarlet fun…
He smiled when at last foolish Eros flew by Olympus’ wall.
Close to the pillar where Ares hid, the winged god did fly,
Never suspected his end was near, and so he did shriek…
Whilst the god of war did slice him in two with a battle cry!
Valentine’s Day was finished, its’ mascot never to speak.
Ares tore the wings from out Eros’ back, a trophy so red,
And brought them before Aphrodite, to lie at her soft feet.
Even more delighted was she, to see Eros’ cloven head…
Now love was hers alone to grant, on her terms to meet.
The last episode of Golden Girls
I can understand that you’ve been stolen
that you lost your mobile phone
that you missed your flight
but how could you not miss
the last episode of Golden Girls
in order to see me?
You put me on bed, closed the door
you said you were going to take a shower
and left me locked in the bedroom.
Is this white yours or is the bleach
you used instead of shampoo?
Should I wait or should I call an ambulance
and tell them that my bf got cleaner
than the white house?
I think I might watch a porn movie
one with small dicks
cause I’m scared of the big tissues!
My laptop got stuck, my bad luck
a crazy virus got me trapped
he took my right hand and paralyzed it
he took my left hand and put it on my head
too long way for my pleasure to rise.
I used “Avast”, it was not updated
The virus was still alive
I just managed to kill half of my dick
and one of my balls, the heavy one!
I turned off “Avast”
and the automated cleaning disc started,
I couldn’t stop it; I could just see a loading
but not the loading I was expecting to see.
My laptop was kind of masturbating
without my permission, I was so upset!
You came to the room, I was helpless
I asked you to turn the monster off,
you didn’t realize what I was talking about
you took my underwear and put it back on me
you kissed me goodnight and called you mother
to discuss the last episode of Golden Girls.
I can understand that you’ve been stolen
that you lost your mobile phone
that you missed your flight
but how could you not miss
the last episode of Golden Girls
in order to see me?
You put me on bed, closed the door
you said you were going to take a shower
and left me locked in the bedroom.
Is this white yours or is the bleach
you used instead of shampoo?
Should I wait or should I call an ambulance
and tell them that my bf got cleaner
than the white house?
I think I might watch a porn movie
one with small dicks
cause I’m scared of the big tissues!
My laptop got stuck, my bad luck
a crazy virus got me trapped
he took my right hand and paralyzed it
he took my left hand and put it on my head
too long way for my pleasure to rise.
I used “Avast”, it was not updated
The virus was still alive
I just managed to kill half of my dick
and one of my balls, the heavy one!
I turned off “Avast”
and the automated cleaning disc started,
I couldn’t stop it; I could just see a loading
but not the loading I was expecting to see.
My laptop was kind of masturbating
without my permission, I was so upset!
You came to the room, I was helpless
I asked you to turn the monster off,
you didn’t realize what I was talking about
you took my underwear and put it back on me
you kissed me goodnight and called you mother
to discuss the last episode of Golden Girls.
Anonymous
<< post removed >>
Laughter is a funny beast, at best, to tickle. That said...here goes nutt'n
If I'm happy and I know it, do i really have to clap ma' damn hands?
Whaddya call a black man's seed?
Jigga booze
A woman who posed in the buff
Clearly was tucking her stuff
See, God played a trick
And gave her a dick
A hummdinger, if that weren't enough
A girl was flowing red ink
Found a vampire to lap at her pink
With coochie quite hoochie
He gave her French smoochie
Bloody Mary his favoritist drink
If I'm happy and I know it, do i really have to clap ma' damn hands?
Whaddya call a black man's seed?
Jigga booze
A woman who posed in the buff
Clearly was tucking her stuff
See, God played a trick
And gave her a dick
A hummdinger, if that weren't enough
A girl was flowing red ink
Found a vampire to lap at her pink
With coochie quite hoochie
He gave her French smoochie
Bloody Mary his favoritist drink
