My Dog Refuses To Do Tricks - why?

write a Poem no longer than 25 lines

new material only

have fun and make me laugh

come on - I am easy

bad ass Rocky

the first one was a sparkle collared prissy little snit

yappy lil' thing that used my shoes whenever she'd shit

wasn't really my dog, more like hers than ours

she got pampered and kissed, I was left to wank off for hours

I came home one day and realized the lil' bitch was gone

she'd taken the dog too and life seemed like a new song

while walking in the park pondering my life and enjoying an autumn day

I came across this big brown fella who seemed to me a stray

I cleaned him up and he seemed no worse for wear

a dutiful boy cause I'd say "Stay" and he'd sit right there

Now he don't speak
When I say, "Speak"

He don't come
When I say, "Come"

Yet he's just the pet I need cause he never begs for scraps

And never does a neighbor complain about noise comin' from his yap

Now one fall eve after walking in the park

I look up ahead to see this madness brewing in the dark

I spy this druggie trying to steal my bike!

I said 'Get him boy' and Rocky was off - quick as a kite!

I hurled Rocky at the thief and my aim was true

I caught him right in the head giving him his due

Rocky stayed there guarding my precious bike

In case the fleeing thief wanted more of this fight

I picked my boy up and he was still smooth
and cold - just like granite

Best damn "dog" - for me - on the entire planet.

Wrong Way Dawg...

My dog "Riot King" was mis named.
A "Was that there before?" bump into things, his clame to mis fame..
We have since called him "Which way do i go!?"
Or jes plain ole "Doh!"
Huge guy part Masstif part Boxer mix..
Has lately been quite disgustin, in failed efforts to hump on our bitch..
Has been slobberin around mih house followin "Sweet Fee" round..
Her givin me dartin glances "Can we really not take him to the pound?"
She has no mind to let him scratch his pantin dawg eat dawg itch..
"Please! If i jest had sum help with mih left leg..i could be quick!!?"
Swear i could see "Sweet Fee" roll her eyes and laugh at his poor ole "Which way do i go?" dawg prick...
Poor Wrong Way Riot is bitch in heat houn dawg love sick...

Eat & Shit

I’ve got a dog I named ‘Eat & Shit’
Would you care to guess as to why I named it?

Bad enough he eats a ton, but he shits out twice as much
As he ever takes in

Now that we’re in November, when the Minnesota air is cold
Making man and beast shiver

Eat & Shit will cover the backyard with a layer of frozen dog turds  
Stuck together hard

When it seems not an inch, has not been covered by
That shitting Son-of-a Bitch

It’s covered by a blanket of  white pristine beauty
A snowstorm covers the disgust, so Eat & Shit can renew his duty

Till he’s covered the backyard in another layer of shit
And again another blanket of snow hides it

Again and again, Eat & Shit covers my lot, with ugly piles of
Shit colored poke-a-dots


Till April’s thaw reveals Eat & Shit’s one and only true purpose
‘To eat and shit!’

Frozen dog turds by the truck load
‘Before the warming sun makes them mushy, better pick them up in the morning cold!’

really loved these three - a fantastic way to start things off - thank you

Big warm smile and some hearty laughs

Mafia- The neighbourhood Gambler

Hello, This poem is on a street dog that frequented my house far too often. Hahaha He was a bully

A poem dedicated to Mafia.
Mafia the Gambler

 
Its dark it’s dusty it’s almost twilight
From nowhere does he appears finishing off a fight.
He holds in grudges like a bottle of vine
His silhouette poised and perfectly aligned

You cant see him during the day, he finishes old business
And with so much grace and such great finesse
You dare not challenge him when he is eating his meat
You dare not approach him if he doesn’t offer you a seat

Hardly does he ever sleep or tire away
He tries to keep it cool the entire day
But then again he does what he does best
With all the effort and full of zest

Chasing a mouse or teasing a cat
Or Rolling up the front door mat
Yes he does yelp during a lightening or fog.
He’s our very own “Mafia”, the neighborhood dog

Pussy Killer

my dog's name is Pussy.
when it rains, wet  Pussy.
when I tie him down, tight Pussy.
when it rains while I tie him down,
TIGHT WET PUSSY.
I love tight wet Pussy.
it's obedient and convenient.
when he acts up,
I beat that Pussy.
I beat the shit out of that Pussy.
when he's good, I feed him.
I feed that Pussy,
thick sausage meat.
I sing to him and he sleeps,
I knock that Pussy out.
I put that Pussy to sleep.
And if he gets too bold or too old,
I kill that Pussy.
I am the Pussy Killer.

My bad dog simply has no name, it changes far to oft for dat.

When he was first born, we named him piglet and the second we named him good o'l Sam.

Sam hadn't had a name, he was a good gambler he was; drink himself into a oblivion.

Good O'l Sam! He didn't even realize how sad he was, with his twitching eye; killed it's with his gals but not with his girl Sal.

Sad he was, saddest part is he was one on thinking . Yes he'll go and take his gals and say "Y'all better save me a buck when's I's get back"

So we's did and dare I say what a big buck it was! Drove us all mad! We crawled in our wallets like insects.

For ya see, Sam wasn't no ordinary Dog... No a thug out for money ya see.

So did his children run up to him and says " Oh Dearest Father! Tell us? Why are men evil?

And the women would shake their heads and say " men ain't no evil just their dogs"

My Name Is Jock

My tail was cut off
to a stump!
At birth
This guy with
the mouth
did it

He even
screams at me
aint so bad
but he
tests
my patience
when screams
at the lady

So I'll just
take a leak
on this leather seat
of the vroom vroom
machine
he loves
more
than me

-x-

"In Mutt's Head"

This guy owns me, he's alright
Timid to wake me, I don't bite
But he knows maybe I just might
He tells me things, no understanding have I
Our language differs, but smiles
They're universal, but I wont roll-
Sit, crawl, no not me
Give me something to eat


I am a machine
A tail wagging machine
Wash me human; clean-
No leash,
those are clones of the devil's tail
I need freedom, damn cages
How'd you like that?
All free like a butterfly
And then when I don't obey-
You wonder why.

Sad dog not bad dog

Her daughter saved my life
Then smuggled me home in a box
Hoping you would be ok with my existence
Your dauughter was so persistent
But clearly not convincing enough

She had me in a place of hiding
But you located me
All because I got afraid and yelled 'ruff'
You truly werent my biggest fan
Having a dog isnt apart of my plan you said
But as you got sick my heart just bled
You always made sure your daughter kept me well fed

Yet you were afraid to rub me on my head
I promise my bark was more vicious than my bite
I only prerfected it to protect you through the night
Now your sickness has fully overwhelmed you
I pant in sorrow as I watch your once caramel skin turn crystalized blue

I laid empathetically at the edge of the bed
Depress ridden because I knew you were dead
But in some ways I knew I could be happy
Because that means from pain youd be free

Funny thing is you grew so attatched to me
So I guess thats when you passed away
A week later you came back for me
I grew so sick in a short space of time
I guess that was your way of saying to me, dear dog youre finally mine

I'm going to write my submission off the cuff without knowing where it's going to go.  It's not gonna be purday, but it should be in-ter-es-ting...

Yeah You Heard Me

I'm a dog sittin' on my master's front stoop, you got a
problem with that?  I'm waitin' for him to come home from a job.
What's a job? No I'm not gonna tell ' you, Shit-4-Brains.
Naww, it's the new name I just gave you.  Look,
I need to know, is it somewhere you get paid in Big Macs?
I ask cause that's all he ever feeds me.
Well, the leftovers anyway.  No meat, not even cheese.
I love cheese.  It's dogs who love cheese, not mice.
Did y'know that?  Yeah, it's true.  Mice don't like cheese,
they like peanut butter. Yeah, it's a fact. *time passes*
I'm sure hungry.  Hope my master brings me somethin'
different cause those Big Macs always cramp me up.
It means they give me wind, idiot! Yeah, you heard me.  
He also lets just anybody trim my fur with dull clippers.  
Makes me look like I chewed it all off.  Or like I got crabs.
Looks like shit, y'know.  Don't look at me like that
or I'll hump your leg sure as you're standin' here. Right.
Damn I'm hungry.
Oh man! Hey! He's here he's here, he's parking in the
driveway right now, see him? Ohboyohboyohboy!
*chases his tail round and round as fast as he can*
I'm so excited I could... I could... whooooa fuck I'm dizzy!
ARF!  *farts*
BARK!  *barfs*
Oh man, got it comin' AND goin'!

Fun competition.  All the writes were entertaining.

Great writes ... My personal favorite BoFantastic! I actually choked from laughing.

Congrats lyricalmiss, heart warming piece.  Anytime I can be mentioned with the rebel, snugglebuck ... I know I'm doin' something right.

Thanks for the chance to play and laugh DM ... Cheers!