Suicide

i've only written about this in metaphor before, so i apologize in advance if it's blunt. it's the only way i've been able to get through telling the whole story and it's been over 3 years now

There’s five voicemails waiting to be a reviewed
And the opening shift is mine
It’s 4:57 on a Monday morning and I don’t care anymore

There’s a fine line to be walked, with your head in the clouds
A simple way of life indeed, until those clouds turn black
I like to think I was drawing that line behind me as I went

Now I’m…lost
I don’t know how I got here, or how in one piece
But I’m falling apart, all but my heart, that crimson devil never looking back

There are scissors, seven blades and a stake in this room
They will find them all and not know what to think
They will not be able to explain to my roommate that I used all but the stake

I could’ve seen this coming
There were always loose remarks that I might not be playing with a full deck
The Joker is cruel indeed

Not without thought did I draw blood
Of tragedy I am no fan, and peace demanded this endeavor
I did not wish for death, only rest

The wheels are always turning, you see
Sleep is a colorful lie in this world of awful grey
I believe in miracles but I don’t believe in that

Patience and tolerance helped me here
Together we braved that blurry line to this very spot
Where we took up arms and fell to mutiny

It’s 2:35 on Wednesday and the sun is mocking me
My arms are sweating in the sleeves of my leather jacket and the sweat burns as it finds my shame
I’m smoking a cigarette and telling Jennifer I traded shifts with a coworker

I barely make it inside without fainting
The door is locked now and I don’t ever plan on leaving this room again
I fall facedown, slither out of the jacket and lick away the blood that’s coagulated

The suns gone down now and I can’t get up
I’ve been inching my way into a sitting position, passing out every few minutes
I can’t see, everything around me is wet and I’m too cold to shiver

My numb fingers prod the sticky mess for anything familiar
I find a pair of small scissors from a long lost medical kit and something inside me breaks
My body knows what’s coming and grieves

I wasn’t sure if I should say something
Try to leave a message, anything to let the world know I was free from my pain
The clean-up crew told Jen they clean up less blood at homicides

No clever words come shining through
The awful grey wears its mourning cloth and my Muse nowhere to be found
Silence and isolation can be contagious that way

I clumsily hook a vein on the tip of one scissor blade
One of the last functioning parts of my brain wonders, if I touched it, would I feel a pulse
The lack of tactile feedback from my hand says no and another light goes dark

Either time has stopped or I’m already dead
I realize my eyes are open and I haven’t moved a muscle for a very long time
I blink and with everything I have, close my left hand firmly around the handle of the scissors

The world looks very different from a mountainside
Even stranger in ochre hues, but I may be on Mars
Nothing is distinct and a static roar is cursing me by name

Something else spoke to me on that mountainside
I would never hear the words but something in me understood and complied
I’m seizing and Ozzy Osborne is singing from a cell phone that should’ve died Tuesday morning

“Don’t you ever, don’t ever say die”
I’m choking on tears, blood and laughter, I try to say thank you to the paramedic who’s crying over me
Instead I seize again and blackout

thank you for reading. until tonight i hadn't even cried about this and now I can't stop and I'm shaking. another weight is off my chest

3 years
You still don't know my name
If I left
Would you notice?

Suicidal
I bet you would of never guessed that
I have blades
Guts too

I read this to my class
Goodbye at last
Just say you knew
The Unknown

am I proud?, no
but then, it's hardly an achievement
to drive the madness into someone
and not even notice

where are my memories?
the good ones, god knows I could use a few now
something, anything for the mind to chew on
'til sleep comes

I imagine she'll come
right at the second I change my mind
and for that brief amount of time
you'll see me bucking
but that'll just be me looking for a way back
until she calms me

I here by crown you .. suicidal..

here baby..

this bullet

is for you

i've been saving it

this
 whole
   time

so i could
be a part of
watching you die

the ultimate high..

and

toss my tears
to the side

the fears you confide
that

terror in your eyes.

buy me a
double round
of

lost for sound

barrel verses pounds..
spin it

around and around
and around



dead silence


as you



hit
 the
   ground.. .........








i here by crown you










suicid. al.      

Suicide

These are the thoughts of a man,
Destined for suicide.
I've been waiting a long time
in this line to ride this ride.
The descent to insanity
Is thrashing and trashing
The heart in me.
Every cut runs deep.
The caged inside feelng,
Keeps my soul's eyes bleeding,
From weeping and screaming
For release.
The rage of this beast,
Locked in this cage
With no sight of keys
Except with flesh busting at the seams,
Upon death, my soul's release..

Intricate B

In this style

You don't understand the dynamics,
You don't know what takes to make me tick.
The bullshit that bombards my brain
And make me mentally sick.
You assume I'm conceited,
And think i think its all about me.
Time and again it's repeated,
And that is all that you see.
I don't see it when it happens
It's all a blur to me,
All I do is sadden,
My aim is trying to please.
This is the crazy that plagues me,
That pushes me down and breaks me,
That pushes away my saint,
And makes her fear for her safety.
Like sand through my hands,
I feel so much slipping.
My wife and my time,
My breath and my life.

Intricate B

There is a cold dark corner
In the back of my room
It speaks to me
And says "i'm coming for you"

As I lie on my bed
In the fetal position
My eyes are close
Hoping and wishing

That maybe one day
My dreams will come true
That I won't be here
So down and blue

The corner keeps talking
About how I am going die
All I can do
Is lie there and cry

As the corner gets closer
And takes me in
My soul starts to burn
And so does my skin

My bones shall lie there
Burning to dust
My bed surrounding
Nothing but rust

Felo-de-se
Who can surcease my pitiful sorrow
Before the mourning of tomorrow

I envy those who
Can dissever themselves
From the grip of beguiling things

The austere disposition of the world
Permeates my absinthe colored soul
The connotation of my name
Now seems synonomous with morbidity and depression

I can't imagine a life
Without all this fucking turmoil
The conniptions in my life
Are for sure deserved

Why don't I just end my pathetic life
I'll do it with grace and decorum
Slitting wrists is so cliché

I'll be another number
Just a fucking statistic
I'll be lost in the chaos
I feel so goddamn apocalyptic

I'll tear my skin from ear to ear
My grisly smile will be disturbing
But I'll be happy, and everyone will see
Death just seems to be
My cup of tea

The Silence and The Noise

Is it more terrifying to be lost in the silence,
Or is it more tragic, to be lost among the noise.

How saddening, how pleasing,
When all the turmoil has passed.
The salt upon my lips has dried,
Cuts have faded and so have I.

Out of sight, out of mind,
I've taken in the silence.
All the pain, all the fear, all the rage,
It's gone!
For there is a joy in solitude.
It is accepted.
It is all.

My reality is my mind.
Thoughts that only think,
Refusing only to touch the cage.
Skirting about the topic,
Forced into submission,
Making a world out of a prison.

Least the noise come back.
The crowd of spectators outside.
Cracking my new reality,
Shoving forth their own.

Once again, I'm more than alone.
Lost in the noise.
Reaching out my hand and screaming!
Someone, someone just share the warmth.
If only for a minuet,
If only a passing glance.

They turn away after a look.
What an oddity.
Locked in her own cage.

Let us humor her,
And come forth but out of touch.
So that she may hurt herself.

Again I fade away,
Out of sight, out of mind.
Joy to the silence.

Is it more terrifying to be lost in the silence,
Or is it more tragic, to be lost among the noise.

Bitch


I feel somehow that they have mislabeled you

Perhaps just penned you in the wrong ink...

I'm not sure

It seems when I try to describe you, the idea goes sailing away and never anchors home

Slippery one might say...

As the man crawling beneath a rolled-over vehicle, slathered in blood and puke

Like the words that had beckoned to him "C'mon let's go for a ride..." now thoroughly lost

Nothing more then a few grueling moments in agony before it was just a memory and a phrase that didn't quite seem to fit...

Unreal. What did that word even mean?

If felt insulting.

As though the momentary terror that had consumed your reality was nothing more then a passing storm -- No more then a ghost or a Flying Dutchman...

But could the same not be said for it all?

Is any of this really what we came here for?

The choice alone is too much for me not to waste it and I fear if I leave it for too long that the choice will inevitably make itself...

Perhaps that in turn is the choice

The freedom to be or not...

Gone
Broken. like my mother's vase
Lost, like my suicide case
Broken, won't be able to fix
This world and me, will never mix

Broken world, like my heart
Nothing left of this essential part
Broken and torn, like my home
I am lost within a mental dome

Broken, lost without cause
Mocked, for all my stupid flaws
Alone, never to be happy again
Death will be my greatest sin

Broken, like my brain
Hopeless, already insane
Finished, ready to leave
No one will ever believe

World is gone, lost all hope
No one cares if I mope
I wait for their support
But they can't break my mental fort

Broken love, Broken house
My importance is that of a mouse
Body is still, now I'm dead
With a bullet through my head

Memories from the void

Sitting here in the void
watching old memories on repeat
wanting to hug the little boy
to keep him safe from this defeat

flashing forward a few years
this young man has lost his boyhood
still with the beatings and the tears
told of love but only knowing falsehood

watching the dark invade he's mind
the pain has now lost it's fear
surrounded by the deaf and blind
nobody cares to interfere

Razor blades enter the scene
little cuts of guilty pleasure
confidence plummets into a ravine
and so death becomes his treasure

The void consumes my pain
killing all while setting me free
so strange ,I can't explain
but that little boy
was me.

the noose




i have fashioned and tied my own noose
fitting it snugly around my neck.
you wonder why and are unable to understand
why i have decided upon this blatant travesty.
i will answer your question with one simple remark:
the darkness has consumed me, became a part of me
leaving me drifting through the turbulent seas of sorrow.

condemned to fade away from this life
from the lies that lay as thick as moss.
i place the rope over the rafter
and close my tear stained eyes.
with one step forward i plummet
spiraling through gray clouds and red mist
it is now that i finally see the way.

something went wrong, the story of my life
i am still alive trapped in my own selfish misery
remaining in repeated agony, dangling, swaying
bleeding, pleading as i am found, please don’t set me free.
feeling them release the rope from my worthless neck
they lower me to the floor refusing me relief.

i question as to why not leave me there
leave me in my agony for all to see?
for all those who hate me
to praise the ending of this worthless life.
for their own mighty tribute of acceptance
as they lay me to rest in my earthly grave.

they place me in a small enclosed room
with no windows, no light can i see.
they think it was insanity
not realizing they created this monster
who lays bound to this bed of burden.
they do not understand the state of the barren mind.

slowly drifting into a catatonic state
left to rot helpless, never to wake.
but soon they will understand
the making of a very grave mistake.
leaving me in this coma
drifting upon an endless sea.

condemned to fade away from this life
from the lies that lay as thick as moss.
dreaming through a dormant sleep that will not last
to their surprise, appalled by what they see
i awake from this hibernation, from this pain
and it is now they will finally see the way.

Despair

Broken am I,
beyond repair,
where to go?
Nowhere!

My heart is crushed,
the pieces cut flesh,
blood drips and is flushed
through the drain.

In the water I lie and hunger
for the day I die to arrive.
I simply can not stand it any longer,
I cry and cry and I leave my…

          Forlorn Escape


A shy demeanor exposes every weakness    
seemingly locked in an intangible prison    
your heart toiled,unable to cope with the acute feelings    
pushing them down again and again    
     
Writhing inside from the silent slaughter    
anxiety,depression,confusion,betrayal    
eviscerate the last of lifes will      
     
Gradually,you gaze at death with a permanent smile    
as it calls from the depths,like songs of the Siren    
Chanting,Luring,Seducing    
     
Waiting for that moment    
when the pain negates the fear of the unknown      
just enough,to escape