HUMOR IN POETRY

DUP Dream

Last night I had a dream, no sand, no God to carry me,
Nor was it an Alptraum, but a party for the DUP,
A Muggle and The Mugglette worked as the M.C.’s,
The third one couldn’t help them ‘cause he caught some STD’s,

The place was full of “emos” and “angels” packed the room,
Even Miki came, she danced there from the moon,
Rachel looked just ravishing and Autumn was so fine,
Before the night was over, one of them would be mine,

Goodest walked into the room with six verses blazing,
Wearing his frat T-shirt and ready for more hazing,
Sumeet nearly bounced him but then goodest agreed,
They’d sneak into the bathroom and smoke his goodest weed,

Someone with a cruel mind tried his hand at spiking beer,
It’s good no one was driving ‘cause they’d be to high to steer,
Crim and I exchanged a glance, we knew this feeling well,
Next morning many poets would get a little taste of hell.

Poetryman and Kitty retired at half past eight,
Gigi finally arrived after investigating her date,
Where’s the little green man? Of him there was no sign,
Carla was mingling and preaching love is blind,

When I saw Sexy Red Head, my mind spun like a Tornado,
Then I realized where he was, at the buffet eating potatoes,
Heroin Chic was nodding off and committing Miss Deameanors,
Indie was in a clown disguise, hoping no one there had seen her,

From somewhere in the Milky Way, came an Angel we called Starlight,
Like a Violet colored Firecracker, she lit up the night,
Heather was upstairs in a room, acting out something erotic,
Jack was in a bad mood about an “i” that wasn’t dotted,

All of this for me could’ve turned into a Dark Dream,
But the after party started when Devilish came on the scene,
The after party was for those on the list created by Gemini,
I think it goes without saying that I was the only guy,

A few of these poetess’ fulfilled my every fantasy,
If you want to know if you were there, you’ll have to PM me,
If I left you’re name out or if you want to gripe,
Know that this was all in fun, my twisted vision of one night.

The Milf and The Whore

The milf went to get milk at the store,
She walked in and the clerk locked the door,
He paid her a sum,
To swallow his cum,
The hot soccer mom was a whore!

Her husband did everything right,
Her family was wealthy and white,
But she needed more money,
And fucked like a bunny,
So she could shoot up every night.

Her yuppie friends had no clue,
Suburbanites rarely do,
They were so naive,
To the tricks up her sleeve,
And all of their husbands she blew.

One night she went to go score,
She shot up and she fell to the floor,
She cracked her head,
And out she bled,
The milf was a whore no more.

Jenny's Journey

Jenny had just turned eighteen,
She moved to L.A. with a dream,
She got her first gig,
Rocco’s dick was big,
Jenny just shot her first scene,

It was one of the year’s biggest hits,
It gave her money to buy bigger tits,
But her rent was due,
So a fan she blew,
His cum helped to clear up her zits,

She was offered a film for big bucks,
More money for each guy she fucks,
She would do it for sure,
But it did fuck with her,
That day she learned that porn sucks,

She showed up on the set really buzzin’,
She found out that there would be a dozen,
She was in heaven,
As she fucked eleven,
But the twelveth one she fucked was her cousin!

L'esprit de l'escalier

The French call it l’esprit de l’escalier –
The answer that occurs to you too late,
The cutting words you didn’t think to say
In time to save you from a bitter fate.
The moment passed, you missed your chance, alas;
You didn't speak in time, you failed to score.
Too late to deal your foe the coup de grâce,
Red-faced, you creep downstairs and out the door.
You can’t return, burst in the room and cry:
‘I’ve just remembered what I should have said!’
Your enemy would look you in the eye
And sneer, and you’d just wish that you were dead.
So swallow your hurt pride, there’s no going back,
But if you meet again, give him a smack.

~Just a Normal Tuesday~

So on a normal tuesday afternoon
I decided to take my crocodile for a sunday stroll
popped on his lead and off we went
The sun was shining and the birds were singing 'shake that ass' by eminem & nate dogg

halfway down the road a turtle stopped us and said to go down to the railway line, its filled with water so its now a river..
when we got there a fish called henry said he needed my help
he said theres a donkey that lives on pig road, who drives a leather couch to work.. Quite fast for a couch..
but donkey is causing trouble in the neighbourhood
couch-by shootings.. Selling drugs to monkeys and banging other species..

We got to his house and he had kids everywhere.. Breeds of
Donkey-fish
Donkey- monkey
Donkey-frogs
Donkey-tigers

I told him hes a slut and to stop or my crocodile will bang his mother

He said sorry croc but my mothers deceased

My lil croc said 'donkey i know that
but I'll kill you and lay you in her grave so you can watch her bones rot in pleasure

Donkey just laughed in lil crocs face

So lil croc ate donkey... Nom nom nom




*licks his lips*







I love my crocodile

Download


Mr Bates turns off the children’s lamp,  
then tends to his wife.
Mrs Bates is deliberating
pages 195 to 196 for the third time,
“His fingers still moving rhythmically inside me.”
She is drooling and incapacitated,
on the verge of orgasm
when she hears her husband enter the room.
 

Mrs Bates simulates sleep,
trapping the climax between her wet fingertips.
Mr Bates only finds the pathetic image  
of his boring dormant housewife
with a cheap romance by her side.
“Good night darling,” he says.
“Come to bed,” she replies.
“I can’t…. work. I have to get a few things finished.”


Mr Bates logs on
to the World Wide Web.
The modem flickers and bleeps…. connected.
Single married man seeks foul mouth teenage boy,
claiming to be a 20 something horny bitch,
willing and able to prick tease desperate wanker
whose sex-deprived wife is in bed
working her pussy into a frenzy with dildo.
Master Bates reaches for a tissue and
Mrs Bates fumbles for new batteries.


Search engine Google, TAG: cheap thrills, free porn,
beautiful babes, steamy sex and hot horny lesbians. Yahoo!
Heart beats pumping, sweaty palms fumbling,
nervous fingers punching in silent dirty words.
Words his wife whispers to herself on pages 195 to 196.
Videos and thumbnails burst on the screen,
nude babes, hot girls getting it off,
horny blondes, gorgeous sluts taking it in every hole.
Brunette and red head lesbians first fist fuck.
Porn stars, busty babes sucking on monster cocks!


Master Bates takes off his shirt and locks the study door.
Double clicking, clean and jerking.
Mrs bates reaches for her nipple clamps and butt plug.
Hardcore XXX, hard and heavy anal sex.
Interracial sex, Latino lesbian licking lovers.
Things are heating up as the hours pass.
Master bates shooting loads at downloads,
Mrs bates horny as hell, humming between the thighs,
she decides to make a late phone call… the line is busy.


Both halves locked away in the shadows  
throbbing and prodding, themselves in solitude.  
Looking for something new to pry one last time, he clicks…
amateur, group sex, innocent bitch fucking gangbang.
Mr Bates goes limp, something is wrong,
the sex scenes don’t look right.
The resolution, the lighting, the camera angles,
the smudged make up and countless bruises,  
the headless males with threating cocks,
the expression on the girl’s face, the rope around her neck.
Mr Bates closes the harsh reality displayed in the frames,
momentarily repulsed but dissatisfied he persists.


Mature, hot granny pissing on  
desperate young male porn star.
He clicks out again, disgusted
and is ready to turn off,  
but he tries again to turn on.


Mrs bates is moaning on the mobile phone,
buzzing mad with her latest latex dude.
Lesbians, hot lesbian house wives love dildos.
He double clicks and is diverted to another website,
the webpage opens like a grand theatre curtain
slowly revealing the raunchy images
displaying Mrs Bates and her lover.
The pictures showing the world what they’re missing out on
and what a wonderful housewife she is.


Written by Alexander Case

Descriptively challenged

(Phone rings)
Hello
 Honey I'm lost
No problem just tell me where you are
 I'm by one of those round things
 Outside under some clouds
 I'm here now but, before I was over there
 Across from that thing made of wood
 Not the one by your mom's house
 But the one that looks like my friends that you never met
 There's a dog just about this tall
 Being walked by its owner wearing one of these
There's a smell that smells like one of those
And some large trees with leaves on them
And it looks like the grass has been cut this week
There's a sign that has words on it
The sign has colors on it as well
It reminds me of that one time two years ago in the car
It looks like something you've seen in the movies
Or a picture
There's a large window that I can see in through
There's some guy talking on the phone

Okay honey that's me and you're in our backyard and this is the last time you're doing acid again.

The Worst Holiday Ever


Four years ago on Christmas Eve
I was driving home from therapy,
One of thirty radiation hits
On my chest where they’d cut off my tit.

Completely stopped in a traffic light line,
I suddenly felt a jolt from behind….
You’ve gotta be fucking kidding me,
Oh, the delicious irony;

In the midst of cancer on Christmas Eve,
And a pink-haired teen rear-ended me.
Pulled over to the roadside, called the cops
While Pinky’s friend fled the scene to go shop!

Though my truck was fine and her car was crushed,
I decided that wasn’t quite good enough,
And after the policeman made his report,
I gave Pinky something to remember me for

And made her cry even harder than she
Was already doing, in front of me.
A lesson she needed for texting while driving,
My mind went to work, immediately conniving…

I used my disease in a fiendish way
To make her pay more than a surcharge that day.
Pinky’s eyes bugged and she shook with dread
As I peeled off my wig from my chemo-bald head.

“Fortunate for you, I’ve been through far worse
Than a fender-bender,” I said to her.
I was a cruel bitch for increasing her shame,
But boy, let me tell you—that felt really great!

Better and better and kinky sexier......
You are all great....
Thanks...

A Normal Day

The washing machine
Is humming
My clothes are spinning
But I can't find BLue

I go outside
Look up and down
And still no Blue
O' where are you!?

Blue is hanging
Out my clothes
Simpering and grinning
Looking nice and spongy

He let himself up to dry
All fluffy
From this morning's
Spinning experience.

My Love

My love picked flowers
For me today
All fresh from the forest
He looked so pretty
With his arm full
His face alight with delight

Out come the dog
Who love him so
Jumping on his chest
Out come the cat
Who jumped on his arms
Holding on tight

My love fell on his butt
On a tree stump
Bang his head on a raccoon
Who was on a visit
Dove sat on his nose
Owl flew through his hair

My love crossed his eyes
Went to faint-land
So I gathered him up
Kissed his nose,
Swat the dove and owl
Hauled the dog and cat away

Carrying him up
To bed him in
My favourite thing to do
I hope he does that
Again tomorrow
Any excuse to love my man!

Thank you Grace!!!!!

Here's one I posted up lately.

FEED MY FACE!

You can't get this fat,
without some food.
Give me some fried chicken,
with Cambell'S Soup, mmm mmm Good!

I'm big and curvy,
So give me lasagna.
I don't care, just feed me.
Give me food from China.

Lemma eat,
Oh man, those cheesy fries look tempting.
Put ground meat and add pepper.
In fact, add everything on it.

Don't you touch my plates,
at an all-you-can-eat buffet
I might mistake it for a chicken finger.
If you understand, go away.

Me likes donuts!
Give me cake!
Pies, Biscuits, oh wait.
Give me everything on the rack instead.

Can't you see
I have a fucking food craze!
No no, come back, don't run away!
FEED MY FACE!!!

Here is the video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dZp0vRFKI_8&feature=player_embedded


Buzzsaw

I slept with a wasp last night.
No, I'm not reliving 1977
Barnstorming upstate college town bars
Trolling for femme fatales
On the fickle side of friendly.
This was an honest to god badass bug.
A winged ninja assassin
Surprisingly docile by my pillow.
Exotic eyes fawning over me
In a sweet and innocent
Expression of buggy love.
Six long legs stretching
Seductively as the alarm
Goes off with Al Green
Crooning “Let's stay together,”
Till my wife leans over
Her lips like valentines
Quivering to Reverend Al
And all hell breaks loose
For as any fool will tell
Hell hath no fury.
The wasp dive bombs us
Till my wife runs out the door
Screaming, “Kill that bitch!”
I picked up a People magazine
But she was buzzing by
With such unbridled passion
I knew light reading would not do.
So I rolled up a copy of Poets and Writers,
Jumping on the bed en garding like Errol Flynn.
The wasp, jet black and sleek, facing
Me in a stained t shirt and plaid boxer shorts.
A Mexican stand off.
I thought I spied a sadness
In one of her eyes so I thought
Of offering a truce where I'd set her up
In a little hive just outside the bedroom window.
We could spend plenty of time together on the sly.
I searched her face for a smile but found only a sneer
As she came at me like Glenn Close in “Fatal Attraction.”
And I'm flailing away like an epileptic Zorro
Breaking two bulbs on the ceiling fan,
Perfume bottles flying from the dresser,
Picture frames falling off the walls
Till I tripped laying on the floor defenseless
Till the door opened
Giving way to a floral scented fog
Where my wife's silhouette appears
Her finger pressing down on the button
Of the aerosol can like Senator Joe McCarthy
Pushing the big red button to annihilate the communists.
Gritting her teeth and scowling
In her best Clint Eastwood,
“Nobody fucks with the queen of this house.”

Here's the video

http://www.youtube.com/watch?feature=player_embedded&v=i2jt3dp2A1E



Getting Girls

Two days ago I'm Elvis,
Yesterday I'm Dylan,
Today Jesus is the role I'm filling
Because although I've been a faithful
Reader to letters of Penthouse Forum
For a score and some years,
It's still anybody's guess
On how to impress
Damsels thigh
Deep in distress.

I've got some game
From letters as I can e mail
Like Danielle Steele on steroids,
But by the time the face to face
Comes round I'm shaking wardrobe
Like Tina Turner doing Proud Mary.
Words tripping up and down my tongue
Like a Wallenda baby learning the high wire.

Once in a while a shot or two of Jack
Calms my ass right down
But nine times out of ten
The burn in my throat
Hangs my tongue out to dry
With my diction sounding
Like Tarrentino in Pulp Fiction
Trapped in a Bergman movie.
What did I just say?
And what the hell
Does that even mean?

So I see this lioness
Of love in the local
Watering hole and it's lust
At first sight and I'm struck
Down by cupid without a fight.  
I down a shot of Rum 151
To burn the cap off some follicles
So I can sprout some fresh hair
On my chest to hide my pale
Bony breastplate but my words
Are my weapon so long as I can fire.

So I whisper in my friend's ear like Cyrano
But my mouthpiece is cute so I get up and go
To the bathroom where I roll up my sleeves
Lathering soap on my biceps so they shine.
I do twenty pushups and unbutton my shirt
Open the door and strut to my lady.
That Rum 151 is some powerful shit.

So I walk up smooth as a baby's ass
Say “Hey, Miss, you from Tennessee?
Cause you're the only ten I see.”
My voice dripping
So much golden honey
I could do Shakespeare
In any park in the goddamn state.
The beauty looks me in the eye
And smiles, I swear, a string of pearls
Lighting up that dingy bar
Like it's the Fourth of July.

“Tony!” she squeals in delight,
“Did you get my Uncle's letter?
It's me, your cousin, Cassandra,
From Kalamazoo.
I'm a teenager now
I got no rules, hell,
I might just marry you
To bug the shit out of my daddy
Like Myra Gale and Jerry Lee Lewis.”

That spooked the alcohol
Right out my head to my urethra
So I had to excuse myself
Quick before I drown
In a Satan sauce of kin blood,
Sweat and tears,
Piss and vinegar,
Sodom and Gommorah
And anything else
That might prevent me
From ever getting a girl again.