soul crushing resentment

Back to old habits


After dreams like that,
it feels as if my innocence
is shouting accusingly through the years,
her arms wrapped around our favorite bear
and her tiny hand pulling at her hair.

“Why didn't you stop Him?
Why didn't you protect me?”

I plead with her;
“There's nothing I could have done.”

“You should have fought!”

“I was too weak.”

“You should have screamed!”

“There was no one to hear.”

And like a slap in the face;
“You should have TOLD!”

“No one would have believed it,
not coming from me;
they didn't believe me about Sister.”

“It doesn't matter!
Even if no one believed you
He would never have dared do it again!”

…I have no argument;
she takes a step away from me with an exclamation.

I shake my head in preemptive denial
as my fingers wrap around the hair
at the nape of my neck, pulling;
the old habit resurrected
by this collision of eras.

And she says it,
in a hollow tone of betrayal;
“You LET me die.”

My whispered “no” is barely audible
above the tearing sound of hair
roughly separated from the roots.

“You did. You didn't want him to stop loving you.
I bet it made you feel special,
didn't it? As least,
before you found out you weren't the only one.”
Her voice is jeering,
and she shakes her head in disgust.

I make that final yank
and the rush of the pain blots out everything else,
so familiar,
it's as if it had only been a few days,
instead of over a decade and a half,
since I had last succumb
to this particular impulse.
I look down at the departed chunk
of hair and flecks of blood
and let the strands fall between my fingers,
unwinding pleasurably
in long remembered swirls.

I try to use the thrashing endorphins
to look her in the eyes as I respond,
but find I still can't do it;
“That isn't true.”

She smirks humorlessly,
and right before she fades back in time, says;
“Who are you trying to convince?”

I cant move on.

I just cant move on
So full of anger and im not that strong
a heart full of ash but the fires burn on
cold yet hysterical floods of emotion
sifting through the last pieces of my soul
with the hope of escaping being my permanent goal
nothing left but the wreck that you made
still reeling in shock from the blows that we trade
So here i am unable to move on
Just a shadow of myself whose life has gone.

Loathing

Within this heart, this soul of mine
Shimmers odium so profound, so deep
Shimmers resentment so bitter, lethal
Nothing and no one can take it away
Held to my bosom till my dying day

Thus I pray, Guardian Angel come and stay
Within my heart the hollow space
Where once loved reigned all the way
Within the being my soul and place   
Let me not commit murder today

He loved me profoundly or so he said
So deep and true, I had to stay
To hold him hard in darkest night
When gripped with grief for mistakes done
He cried his tears on my breasts

When at last his Pavlov returned
He turned around and walked away
Her call was like a siren song
Far away, over hills and vale
He travelled back to his familiar shore

Thus, I sit, alone, unloved, unwanted
On my mat by the seashore
Wondering what destiny has in store for me
As I gazed at the blazing sunset.

Fucking bloody mushrooms

 
Bloody mushrooms
Shards of chemical escape
Plunged extacy
Fuck the world I am cumming the penis irrelevant
No need for a bitch,  
Me and my love,  she enters  my vein like I would a virgin,
Looking for blood  
I orgazim in  my addiction
The rush subsides I look into the spoon and she is gone
Like all the other woman in my life
At least with her I used her up instead of the reverse
No need for a bitch
Just thirty dollars and a cigarette filter
To use her up again
But she uses me to
With every draw of my blood I lose a part of my self
Like a virgin raped
She takes a precious part of me
I do not give it, it is not my gift to her
I exchange it for escape from my need for a bitch
For some one to love me  
For an intimate partner with whom I can be safe
Have not found her  
But I found a bitch, a bloody mushroom and a chemical escape

Looking for a dealer of hearts

Hearts are soft, wet and warn
They hold the key to life's lock
 
Hearts are meant to beat to a time
Their rhythm is our clock
 
Hearts feel pain from relationship
Avoid them to stay healthy?
 
Hearts  exist by life's blood
Relationships oh so stealthy
 
Our hands drip red with the damage we did  
To each their own self be true
 
I am sorry for the hole in my chest,  
Its size that of your hand
and that you choose him too
 
For the pain of your void is still easily felt  
and our hearts are still expose
 
The fragile things these hearts they are
But more when wrong choice choose
 
I am sorry, this isn't easy for me
My heart not cold and dark
 
Betrayal, pain, to laugh again
Seems so like a lost art
 
Even when, dope filled, racing
Trying to erase pain
 
I know to write and dream of you
It's practice of the insane
 
Looking for some even keel
To right in waves of life
 
Want the pain to go away
Cut it out with a knife
 
It matters not, your already bought, the cost of a car for you love,...
I can't go back, i can't go forward, the cost of loving you I can't afford
 
To broke to be your sugar daddy
I guess youll be his whore

Straws Break

Karen loves who am as a dad but doesn't  have sex with me
Straws break
She loves me but wants a separate life as well
Straws break
She wants to submit to another man
Straws break I move on
Gem needs a safe place for her, but hates my past
Straws break
She loves me, but not as much as her drink
Straws break
She see my kids as wedges between us
Straws break
I choose her and crush my children's love
Straws break
She hurts my heart with her judgement
Straw breaks
I get high, she ask to experience, I cry no,...but give in
Straws break
She sells her possessions I sell my soul
Straws break
Crack, cops, jail
Straws break
Buying house, moving parent, drink and drug continue
Straws break
Sitting in a hotel room alone,
Straws break
Karen calls I run to her, Ben hates it
Straws break
She choose another
Straws break
I set alone in this 2 room disaster of a life  
No one to break straws with. Get high break them myself.
When well I let Gods breath bend the straw I break

Thank you everyone for your entries keep them coming I have enjoy them all.

"Brothers parted"

We were once brothers
A stronghold of love
I held us together
As you carried us above
"Semper fidelis"
No marines
But men looking for a cause

You said things would be right
You said things could go wrong
You said we stood for light
But I found you were wrong

I saw our threshold deteriorate
And I saw our decline
Through the eyes of one troubled
I watched you disappear
As I sat in the darkness
Waiting to hear

In a sense, we both died
we became different people
I tried to respect that
But you dug the hole deeper
You were there, you were gone
You taught me solitude

I struggled through pain
I struggled with doubt
I no longer had anyone
To carry me about
Once love turned to hatred
As I saw myself replaced
By another who stood
Of an impudent race

As time started to pass
My soul started to rise
As did yours
In our sudden decline
I recall us meeting
In a dark alley of hope
Where we clashed minds
That once forged our threshold

Burning with fury
Burning with rage
you stood for the light
As I stood there dazed

"Why attack me?
It's like walking on coal
I know if i walk there,
I'm gonna get burned"
But you did not stop
You continued to go
As I had no other choice
But unlock my souls force

I let it all go
Screaming my demons
The darkness now flood
And I was the reason
With passion and vengeance
I let my soul fly
I threw my all at you
To watch it all die

I did not stop
As I continued to burn
My darkness took over
And I never returned
I did not stop
I did not halt
As i let you now see
The pain I was left with
Is now part of me

The look on your face
it was purely priceless
When you found out
I was now the one fighting
Unexpected, i know
It must have hurt
But now you shall feel
How much this aura burns
The heart of my fields

Leave one alone
And then test his strength
You just may find out
He's never the same

We were brothers once
And I'll swallow my pride
I'll now let you learn
What it's like to "survive"

It's a bit on the explicit side so I'll just link it

http://deepundergroundpoetry.com/poems/73882-wretched-retribution-the-onslaught-of/

delete repost later

removed

coarse goodbye


there are times i can
think of nothing but you
though it's obvious
your love was far from true
i can't kick you
out of my bed for
our love-making was
all made in my head
(like you, always in the
back of my mind)

so, i shall rise above spite
but in the heat of the night
while entangled in
her amorous embrace
i hope against hope
your performance is dead-weight

Resentment? yes! This is pre-published but fits the criteria-I think...


Did you think-
for even a moment

That you-

could affect me
like you always could

That more oppression
would bring me back down?

to that broken position
once again-
and losing ground...

Lend me an ear
let my words find grey matter
and make shit clear

I cut you loose
tossed you away
like recycled rubbish
on a garbage strike day

and rebuked...
the mis-use

of my ALL...

You may have shaken some beams
But I reinforced the wall
that built me...

That sustains and contains
You can't fill me

with your crap
your neurotic fuck rants

or my pity
for the sick, twisted vision
I see

When I picture your face next to me

I could fly
to the depths of the Earth
for one try

one shot at a chance
to stand high

With a shiny Glock 9
in my hand-
and aim hard

Steel core ammo unfurled
right into the depths of your head

Keep shooting for hours
once your dead

Drop a half ton of lead
in your corpse

Maybe then you would feel some remorse...

Life Loving suicide ! extreme content !
You made the nun a hooker
The pope her pimp
You gave the boy his first blunt
His kid sister heroin

Brightest diamonds pitch black coal
Life loving suicide
Up down, light dark
Could it find a resemblance to satins heart?

Ill pray, ill pray, ill pray
I’ll say, please please stay the fuck away
Ill pray, ill pray, Ill pray
I’ll say, please please keep me save, just tomorrow, just today.

Relentless bad place, unhealthy space
A gun a knife a bat a blade
Ill end it all to get away