Poem of the Month - March 2023

the difference
between friends and activity partners
between friends and close friends
between close friends and soul friends
sometimes manifests
through constructions of language
unique
and private
often silly

my best friend Nancy and i found that out
when we were eleven

our language
was harvested from any, everything, and nothing:
qua meant gross
For the bride! meant no kidding!
a potatable mood was a bad mood
derived, somehow
from a popular song at the time

the finale of our quasi-twin talk
when parting ways after yet another fun day
or hanging up after long silly conversations
went exactly like this:
Bebe-baba-bobo-baron-mrs machado-rin tin tin-lassie-betsy tweety-bye! 

the mashup included her dog, my dog, famous dogs, our Latin teacher, my other dog, 
and my canary
we loved it

one of my best friends
from the cusp of true adulthood
killed himself fourteen years ago

we existed best
outside of reality
abbies
(abnormal people)
lost in silliness
frenentic creative exchanges
during nightly phone calls
often close to midnight

anyone listening in
would have been baffled
why does he say
Whyeeeee
instead of hello
or rounded and SEXY
apropos of nothing

why does she sing
The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald
(in a passable Gordon Lightfoot)
or Men have Feelings Too
Mr. Van Dreesen's drippy song
from Beavis and Butthead
during pleasant lulls in conversation

why for that matter
did they sound like children in play
when together

why?

because they had a private universe together
he and i did
our intimate, ever-evolving language
was a portal
to a world only for us
a laser show
in the darkness of our lives

but my perhaps
 all-time favorite language connection
was Jenese (pronounced Jen ease)

i was one of only four speakers in the world
the three others
were my close friends Amy Barb and Sharon

it started at a Jeneetwood Jenac jenoncert 
all of us  still young enough 
that shameless fun
was not yet
a luxury commodity

my failure at the Jenny Craig diet program
had been a source of continual amusement
my week's worth of doll-sized candy bars?
gone in ten minutes (i didn't even sit down)

i ceaseless mocked the brand's at-the-time propensity
for adding Jen or Jenny in its food labeling
(Jenny O's for breakfast, anyone?)

still

i was trying to stay the course
toting program-approved fruit salad
to a Red Rocks ampitheater 
Fleetwood Mac concert

Is that Jenny fruit salad?
Amy asked
playfully label mocking
no, i replied without thinking
it's just jenoranges, jenapples, and jenapes

Cue a four-part fit of laughter
was it the word jenapes?
who knows
everything is funny
when you're young
and stoned
and watching light change
by the minute
at late sunset
as the city of Denver
starts twinkling gold and silver
with the cool evening air
blowing through your long hair
and the Rocky mountains looming large
before swallowed up by shadows

in that one hallowed moment
a new language was born
so ridiculous and relentless
so patently stupid
we almost lost friends over it
at a jenarbeque at my jenouse
jenix weeks later

but then, the more straighlaced of our crowd
would also not have found
our imitations
of how our boyfriends sounded 
at the peak of passion
very funny either
but then everything was funny
on the bow of a chartered boat
on Lake Dillon 
at an altitude of 9,000 feet
with the sun screaming joyously
against a sapphire sky

our "1, 2, 3, GO!"  chorus
still makes me smile
Sharon's boyfriend, it seemed,
celebrated happy endings
by whinnying like a sick horse
Barb was dating Eric
who kept announcing the oncoming inevitable
i was dating karate man
who broke virtual bricks
Hunnnnnnnnhn YAAAAH!
Amy had several sexual partners
i don't remember what she contributed to the mix

i do know
that had we yet discovered Jenese
a lot of it would have been spoken
that day

now

three decades have passed

i've lived in five other cities
in three other states
and one too-short interlude
in western Sweden

Jenarb is in Connecticut
in a just good enough marriage
their daughter
now in an ivy league college
like her parents attended

Jenamy started doing more and more drugs
shoplifting
sleeping with everyone including her doctor
getting fired from her CPA jobs
becoming dangerous to those around her
we all fell out of touch with her

Jenaron had cancer

two months ago she died


i found out
because i'd tried calling her

three days
after she died
then four days

after no return call a week later
i went to her daughter's Facebook page
and had my worst fear confirmed

we'd lost touch over the years
except for social media
which neither of us used much
occassional text messages
promises to call each other
plans to see each other
the one time i went back to Denver
but the timing sucked
she had to leave town
for her stepfather's funeral

why hadn't we spoken on the phone?


there is one saving grace

after she posted about her upcoming surgery
a few months ago
i sent her a long email
i'd hesitated
deliberated
spent a long time composing the content

would referring to surgery
as jenurgery
bring the laugh i intended?
a reminder of the deep friendship we'd shared
an acknowledgement that I never stopped caring about her?

- or -

would it be offensively wrong
tacky
nothing to joke about?

suddenly i knew

a week later
she emailed back
jenurgery
made her laugh
she'd thought about it
on the drive to the hospital
and felt better

"I needed that!"
she told me


that makes me feel better

but not good enough


nothing can bring back the times we shared
nothing can bring back our friendship now

nothing 

can stop the losses of those we love


sometimes life
just jenucks


NO.


sometimes life

just sucks