We Real Cool

Last call entrants. There are a few entrants who have continue to ignore guidelines, and were given initial grace ( though not awarded placement ). That stops here. If you do not have an inspirational poem listed in your author's comments, and a link to that inspirational poem, your entry is disqualified.

6. In your Author's note, provide a link to the poem [ NOT TO THE WEBSITE ] by Brooks that inspired yours. Without this, we have no way of determining if you were truly inspired by Brooks, or simply swapped fresh words into her existing poetry and form, which could be considered plagiarism.

This month was excruciatingly difficult to judge. We had to call in a third then FOURTH judge to break the tie between slipalong and nomoth.  

Placement Notes:

nomoth - safe to trace the arch

nomoth, that was one of the most difficult inspirational poems of Brooks' to choose because of her ambiguity, metaphors, and vocabulary. Brooks' poem longs for companionship through the filter of nature in the form of a bird. This form provides a tangible life that she can take as a confidant unto herself, disclosing her broken spirit and desire for grace that she live happy again. You capture that essence perfectly throughout the poem, but particularly in the final stanza.

I've literally combed through this poem and can find absolutely nothing I would change. The only nit I could point out would be the semi after ratio. If you'll remember our punctuation workshop, a semicolon is used in place of a conjunction. Also, the triple use of 'the' in the third stanza is a perfect example of  lexical repetitions to emphasize significant images. There is no other way to say it, thus it's emphasized.

Congratulations on your well-deserved win, nomoth!

slipalong - A barren hive

This was an impeccable poem, slip. The vocabulary and ambiguity make it a true Brooks' emulation. Your inspirational poem is from a woman's perspective on the loss of her lover to war. But more than that, she personifies war as a temptation which lures her lover away from her. The ambiguity is that we will never know if he will return or not; however, the implication is that Death will court him until he surrenders.

There was one nit in the last freaking line:

for wars attrition's soon depletes

It should read war's attrition soon depletes.  This is such a minor nit compared to your vocabulary and ambiguity, and certainly didn't prevent you from placing.  Congratulations on your well-deserved placement, Slip.

PoetsRevenge - To Be Home

Firstly, the opening quote is absolutely perfect to begin a poem such as this. It sets the mood. Brook's poem is very symbolic of a spiritual battle to overcome hell and rise to love, placing what she considers the best of herself  "in little cabinets of her will" [ to overcome ]. You captured that perfectly here, and I kept seeing Jacob wrestle with the angel. I also received a heavy sense of wisdom gained from knowledge in both yours and Brooks' poem. As though we all must leave the Garden of Eden ( symbolic for heaven ) and traverse the earthly realm as humans to experience and evolve as spiritual beings.

The only thing I initially struggled with in this poem were the tenses between L's 2-4.

The world is loveless,  
but I remember love;  
I seal it in a tiny box,  
place it on a shelf above.  

I kept wanting to adjust seal and place to the a past-tense reflecting the memory. Then I realized that remember could also be indicative of present tense as well as past. 'Oh! I remember the oven is on! Let me cut it off [now]!", so was able to reconcile and attribute that initial mmisperception as my own.  

Then I read L's 5-8:  

All the riots of my youth  
rage among immiment falls  ( imminent* )
as ways of men I never knew
fill my eyes as Hell resumes.

Misspelling! That is RARE for you! I see you slid in home plate right before the pitcher caught the deadline ball, so you may have been in a hurry. Make sure you check those red lines or run a final spell-check before hitting that enter button next month!

Other than those two things, I think this is a true representation of Brooks' symbolic poem. I particularly like how you carried remember over from you to love in the ending.

Congratulations on your placement, PoetsRevenge

We'd like to thank our third and fourth judges on this: Josh and Mr. Anonymous ( who is afraid of some of you people )! LOL!

Other notes:

Poems4me - We Real Cool

No makeup[,] no weaves[,] bask in our natural beauty
Not even tempted when guys call us cutie

Not looking for that next screw
Take care of our bodies like [ it's* ] a jewel ( they're* )

Don't blend in with crowds
Brown[-]skin sisters rocking their crowns



First, I want to thank you for braving the classics. I like how you took Brooks' poem and made it your own by demonstrating what pride truly is, i.e. - natural beauty vs made up.  While Brooks' was sarcastic in nature, mimicking dropouts who thought they were cool, yours does the opposite, and that makes it your own.

As you can see, I've noted some areas you could improve upon. Some places could've used a comma as previous lines, while others were grammatically incorrect. Overall a very nice poem reflecting on how individuals view themselves.

We hope to see you back.  

anvinvil (Anvillan) - The Bean Eaters...Gwendolyn Brooks

Firstly, thank you for braving the classics.  Secondly, did you intentionally end this poem with a comma? Thirdly, the work itself is very condensed, and could've used some line breaks and spaces for an easier read.
           
Spaces open up a poem and allow the reader to breath in each thought before moving onto the next. Be consistent in your punctuation; in one place you are using a three-point ellipses, and in another a two-point ellipses. Twilight's should be possessive, also your capping lines that should begin with a lower case. If all the lines were capped, that would be one thing; however, they're not. Therefore, it demonstrates and inconsistent style.

Lastly, in regards to essence, I'm not so sure you understood the inspirational poem. It seems the couple were perfectly happy living a frugal life ( as demonstrated by their diet ), as it makes mention of all the possessions they own, i.e. - dolls, clothes. receipts, etc. I didn't get the impression from the poem that the couple felt they had ended up "nowhere".

anvinvil (Anvillan) - A Sunset of the City... Gwendolyn Brooks

You can really tell the difference in this poem and your previous one. This one is much more polished and pleasantly formatted. It's also more consistent with caps and punctuation. You have an excessive amount of 'the's' throughout the poem. For example,
 
I feel the isolation, the threats of uncertainty and    
the unknown.

The first two were unnecessary; try reading the lines without them. I do want to point out that while Brooks did use lexical repetitions to emphasize significant images, that is not the case here. She more often than not used anaphora to avoid repeating words, particularly in the same line ( unless considered a figure of speech; this is not the case ).
 
I wander now, like a ghost from the past    
with all the memories but none of the trappings.

L2 could've been completely rewritten as such to avoid the repetition:

with all memories, but no trappings.

I would also suggest removing 'now' because it's implied, as well as the comma. I'd also replace 'like' with as, which would enable some nice alliteration: as a ghost.
 
Lastly, in reference to essence, Brooks' used a language sophistication to speak what she truly didn't want to say directly, particularly the references of her children and husband not caring for her any longer. This is definitely a poem about life not appearing as it seems ( the summer reference ), and her golden years.  But I think the most important aspect is to be yourself in a world that cannot understand you.  I think you captured that aspect.

We hope to see you back.

javalini - BB Gun

The rhyme was spot on and it flowed perfectly. Overall it was a very delightful and whimsically written poem with an undertone of seriousness to it.  Brooks' was more about memory and yours seemed to reflect a present state. While hers was an observation, yours seemed more a personal statement. We feel that you missed the essence of hers somewhat.

The essence of Brooks' poem is primarily about an ongoing infidelity for the sake of instant and temporary self gratification. Her reference to 'his majesty' would suggest that despite being married to royalty, riches themselves don't bring happiness.  This occurred in an earthly framework where "The Vacant Lot" exists now. The opportunity to create a lasting spiritually rewarding lifestyle is essentially squandered due to a fixation with physical indulgence. The building that once stood where the vacant lot is now symbolizes the opportunity come and gone because of such behavior. . .thus, a house built upon sand can never stand.

Thank you for participating. We hope to see you back.

Eerie - Somewhere, You Shine

As previously conveyed, you demonstrated a remarkable connection to Brooks' inspirational poem. You perfectly captured the emotion encapsulated in her work, particularly over such a painful subject.

The issue that stood out to us regarding yours, and what actually knocked you out of placement, was your enjambments. A good rule of thumb to remember ( though it's not in stone but advisable ) when creating enjambments is this: can the line be read as complete? Is the carry over an added bonus giving the previous line a whole new meaning, and/or is it a delightful surprise to the reader?

For example, let's look at Brooks' inspirational poem you selected:

I have said, Sweets, if I sinned, if I seized
Your luck

See the strength of her enjambment? The reader could easily imagine she means seized as in seizure; however, she surprises the reader in the next line by altering the former line's meaning.

Here's another:

Believe me, I knew you, though faintly, and I loved, I loved you

This could be read as a complete line; however, her enjambment was priceless when she followed it with a monostich: All. It was brilliant in so many ways and created so much, as in repetition et al for that tercet. Now let's look at one of yours:

I viewed your picture; paper-clipped to the          
Chart that I would hold in the          
Elevator, up to the room where I lost the          
Grainy still to a nurse who was            
Callous.        

While you have demonstrated the basic term of enjambment:  continuing a line after the line breaks, the breaks are weak. Let's look at your stanza with strong enjambments:

I viewed your picture; paper-clipped
To the chart that I would hold
In the elevator, up to the room where I lost
The  grainy still to a nurse
Who was callous.
I’d not know your face, in a crowd          
Or in a church, where I silently plead
For holy infiltration, to cleanse me
Of  the murder that held foul          
In my womb.        

Your final two lines were perfect; but the remainder of the stanza was very weak in that aspect. Strengthening the enjambment also strengthened the rhyme, imho. On an emotional aspect you nailed the essence; however, it was the technical that held you back.

Review Brooks' enjambments and see how strong they are. Ocean Vuong does the same thing; his enjambments completely surprise the reader! Thus taking both lines to another level. I personally fell short on this aspect in my tribute to him as well.

I am so happy you braved the classics. You came in emotionally swinging, you just need to fine-tune your enjambments to strengthen the impact. We hope to see you back.

Wallyroo92 - To the Mothers

Firstly, well done on the emotional impact of this. You took current issues ( BLM ) and emulated children as being aborted by injustice vs miscarriage or literal abortion. I particularly found the stanza on how a mother views her children through memories most touching, because it's true. My children are in their 30's, and I still view them as children despite their adult status in the world. Secondly, what a kick-bang start with a play on words to both address the collective of mothers and include yourself. Very clever that, and it draws the reader in.  Your enjambments are excellent, some redefining meaning to the previous lines; others surprising the reader.

Technically there are a few things I could suggest you improve upon:

Firstly, repetitive words and language:

I cannot imagine the pain
Or the agony and despair a woman feels

Secondly, a tense:

smiles that still warms* the heart ( warm )

Thirdly, expand your vocabulary to eliminate repetitiveness as well:

"I cannot imagine the pain"

"Who bear a pain no other mother should suffer"

Try using 'affliction' in place of the second pain and see how beautifully it plays into the consonance of suffer, as well as the alliteration of a[n] ( make sure you alter a to an if you substitute affliction ), and consonance of n. Lastly, do you really need other?

Who bear an affliction no mother should suffer.

But their senseless deaths rip the soul apart

Try using 'asunder' and see how beautifully it plays into the consonance of senseless, soul, and mother.

Lastly,

But through the eyes of a mother -  
A mother sees her child through memories

I stumbled over this part particularly. First, the repetition doesn't work; secondly,  I feel the short dash is out of place. Short dashes show a range or connect words when the word to or and is implied. Neither and nor to are implied here in L2, nor do I get a sense of 'range'.  Also, But in this context is used as a conjunction to contrast the previous line; therefore, I think a space is warranted between the lines to end one thought and begin another. This would create a deeper sense of range by allowing the reader to pause after the contrast of L1. It would read smoother in that aspect.

But through the eyes of a mother-
 
A mother sees her child through memories

Or, you could completely forgo the dash, eliminate the repetition of 'a mother' and write as such:

But through the eyes of a mother
Who sees her child through memories

I personally feel the latter reads more smoothly.

Overall this is a very powerful piece which could be strengthened even more with a bit of attention and fine-tuning. Wally we always enjoy your offerings in the classics and hope to see you back.

Thank you all again for braving the Classic Corner Challenges. We hope to see you all braving this month's featuring Alice Fulton and William Butler Yeats!

Fulton https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11552/#495006

Yeats:
https://deepundergroundpoetry.com/forum/competitions/read/11553/#495007

Also, October's poll will be posted this afternoon, with returnees from last month's vote as well a couple of new additions, so stay tuned!

Thank you so much, again super honored. A very big congrats to PoetsRevenge and slipalong and to all those who entered especially to Eerie, whose poem was exceptional i thought.

I am glad that you caught my use of  'lexical repetitions to emphasize significant images' lol. I have been practicing those on my days off. You critiques as ever so thoughtful and give light to expand ones own knowledge and craft.

Again big big thanks and hope to be back for this month's comp.

Congrats to nomoth for the win! Congrats as well to PoetsRevenge and slipalong for your runners-up placement.
Everyone who entered did a fantastic job.

P.s. thanks nomoth for the little "shout out".  It made my day, and has encouraged me to keep working at it.

nomoth said:Thank you so much, again super honored. A very big congrats to PoetsRevenge and slipalong and to all those who entered especially to Eerie, whose poem was exceptional i thought.

I am glad that you caught my use of  'lexical repetitions to emphasize significant images' lol. I have been practicing those on my days off. You critiques as ever so thoughtful and give light to expand ones own knowledge and craft.

Again big big thanks and hope to be back for this month's comp.

You're very welcome nomoth. LOL @ practicing your lexical repetitions! Way to go! This one was a monster to judge. Thank you for accepting the critiques in the spirit they are offered. It's the mark of a great writer. Namaste, my friend.

Eerie said:Congrats to nomoth for the win! Congrats as well to PoetsRevenge and slipalong for your runners-up placement.
Everyone who entered did a fantastic job.

P.s. thanks nomoth for the little "shout out".  It made my day, and has encouraged me to keep working at it.

Mea culpa, Eerie. I obviously failed to encourage you in such a way that you would be excited to move forward in these challenges. I am grateful to nomoth for remedying that error.

Congratulations to nomoth  and Poets revenge on their awards

Ahavati said:

Mea culpa, Eerie. I obviously failed to encourage you in such a way that you would be excited to move forward in these challenges. I am grateful to nomoth for remedying that error.


I’m sorry, I did not mean to come across as though you offered no encouragement. I really appreciate the time and effort spent on my critique. It was very helpful (I had to look up new words today ). I rarely pay attention to the technical aspect of poetry and it’s one of the reasons why I haven’t attempted these CCComps. But, I’m ready to learn, so here I am .

Eerie said:

I’m sorry, I did not mean to come across as though you offered no encouragement. I really appreciate the time and effort spent on my critique. It was very helpful (I had to look up new words today ). I rarely pay attention to the technical aspect of poetry and it’s one of the reasons why I haven’t attempted these CCComps. But, I’m ready to learn, so here I am .

Well thank goodness for that, because my heart went kurplunk when I read your response to nomoth. We certainly want to encourage entrants; yet, we need to challenge them out of their comfort zone as well. We've had entrants lose first place over one typo before, simply because their competitor had none. Sometimes that's what it comes down to: a misspelling ( or unchecked autocorrect ), grammatical error, etc.

You definitely came into your first comp with both emotional barrels blazing. Believe me when I tell you, technical can be learned by anyone. Anyone. It's the emotional connection that most struggle with; and that's not something we can teach. The reader has to be willing to open themselves up to emotional connection by personal relation and/or experience, which is not easy for many to do.

Keep at it. You're a hell of a writer.

Entry #2 to be able to submit a poem in this sea of obliviousness.

Congrats to Nomoth, your entry had such depth, it was impeccable. I really enjoyed Slipalongs poem for its insightful detail, you both wrote poems that were in your own style, yet emulated Brooks at the same time, I thought, not easy to do.  The other entries were great as well.  I really appreciate the critique of my poem, and all the critiques were so helpful to read.  The poem I quoted from is such a beautiful one with its haunting vaguerie that I wanted to share the link.  Thank you to Johnny and Ahavati for hosting this enjoyable comp.

https://www.poeticous.com/gwendolyn-brooks/to-be-in-love?filter=famous&lns=b

Thank you for sharing, PoetsRevenge, particularly for receiving the critique in the spirit it was given. Brooks' life emulated her beliefs, and that's what made her such a strong figure in the literary world. It wasn't easy in those days, particularly with her being black, to write such things. This is why she incorporated metaphor, sarcastic irony, and so forth in many of her pieces.