Poetry competition CLOSED 23rd April 2024 1:55pm
WINNER
Beholder
Beholder
RUNNERS-UP:
CasketSharpe
and BurntCanary
SKELETONS IN THE CLOSET
thank you for participating. 
Parallel Passions and Forbidden Confessions
- Parallel Passions and Forbidden Confessions -
A relating of a dream that I had on the night of June 29, 2023.
As the dream began... I was traveling aboard a train bound for what looked like a fancy vacation lodge in some hilly countryside near some high mountainous terrain. The train was a fairly big passenger train and aboard it, the other passengers were mostly mothers and their daughters. I was traveling on the train along with someone, but I did not look at their face and kept staring out the window as the train kept on going along the tracks. The person I was traveling with was wearing long purple dress pants, a blouse of the silkiest quality, and they had long dark hair. Otherwise, as I said I did not look at their face so in all truth I could not say whether they were male or female. For my part, I was wearing long harem-style pants, silky and voluminous with an elegant draping quality to them and a mustard yellow color to the fabric. I paired those with an equally silky light blue blouse that had short puffy sleeves and a bit of an elasticized, stretchy bottom half that fit snugly at my waist though the blouse was loose and lovely in all other ways. I was in my dream, as I am in my waking life... average of build, hermaphroditic, but with fully functioning and totally non-ambiguous male genitalia. In the dream, my hair was short and cut a bit military in style. The gray in my hair reminded me of why I usually prefer to keep my head shaved. But apparently, on this train trip I was taking things easier than I normally do. My face was totally clean shaven, and I was wearing some light makeup. I was not conscious of whether I was attempting to try to present as any specific gender... I was just being myself, and not really particularly caring what anyone else thought about my appearance. My grayish blue eyes looked back at me from the other side of the small mirror I was looking into, as I made sure that my makeup had not smudged. I had been crying and I felt sad and lonely... I am frequently highly emotional, and sometimes prone to bouts of great sadness as well as tremendous moments of elated joy. I never was one to do anything half way! I had a bit of a small mouth, an aquiline nose which was always my family's most noticeable trait, and a rounded face. My face used to be a whole lot leaner years ago, but I am a much more healthy weight now so I look a bit different... better... because of that. My skin was light and with a slight yellowish tint to it in certain lighting but a bit on the pale side otherwise. My grandmother once called my skin tone “sallow” and it also was a family trait. My mother often wore thick makeup to hide that trait because she did not think that particular skin tone was beautiful. But I am more honest with myself, and some consider me very beautiful. Others consider me handsome. But beauty is subjective, and I have been called ugly as much as beautiful, depending on the situation and how much the person calling me ugly hated me. You cannot please everyone! So I do not try to. Sometimes, I shave my body. Sometimes I do not. Sometimes, I am male. Sometimes, I am female. But always, I am myself. I have very tiny but sometimes a bit noticeable breasts. They are not like women's breasts... they do not hang or sag, despite the fact that I am one year from turning fifty years old. But they are not quite like a man's chest is either. They are perfect, soft but stay put and give me a more feminine than masculine look. I never need to wear a bra, so I do not and in the dream I was not wearing a bra either. I felt my stomach and was reminded of the somewhat rather pronounced shape of my abdomen, something I was born with but never noticed back when I was more skinny. Nor did I have cause to notice it during the eight years in which I was significantly overweight. But now, with my body simply being of a normal weight, it was very noticeable. Sometimes I tried to play it down with certain clothing, but for the most part my abdomen looked no different from that of any middle aged woman. I was strong, but not muscular. My most muscle development is in my arms and in my legs. Back when I used to live as a man, I lifted weights and practiced martial arts and you would think my muscles would have developed along masculine lines, but they did not. For the most part, my body looks soft and my butt sticks out in that way all women's buttocks do, that way all men find highly attractive. Yet, I am strong, sometimes stronger than most men I have known. I am strong.
As in real life, so I was in this dream, and I found myself mouthing silently “I am strong!” as I sat and went back to looking out the window. This was a long trip, and my traveling companion looked at me... I could feel their gaze even though I was averting theirs, and they went unto me: “You know, you have a bit of an almost Asian quality to your eyes. They are almond shaped, not like most Caucasian people.” I get that a lot from people. When I was in school, in the town I grew up in back in the 1980's there just... were not a lot of Asian people attending. There were a couple of African American students, but mostly a lot of white, European descended people. Particularly a lot of people of Polish descent... enough that in the early grades I took Polish language courses that I eventually dropped. I never could quite get a grasp on the language, though my grandmother spoke a bit of it even though she was not Polish herself. Of all the blood that does run in our family, that is not one of them. I used to get a lot of people bullying me and calling me slurs that normally get directed towards Chinese people. “Open your eyes! Come on, you must be squinting! Open them! You look like a...” and I will NOT repeat the slur they would use on me the most. I never knew my biological father. My mother said he was the Devil. Sometimes, she said insistently that he was an alien from another planet. All I knew is that I looked nothing like the man she married and had as her first husband, who had never failed to remind me that I was no child of his at all in the biological sense. The whole reason he always refused to see paternity tests done. I did not know him long, my mother was fully divorced from him by the time I turned two years old, and at that time she was already on to her second husband who she would divorce before I even turned three. She had a back track record when it came to men. For all I knew, my father could well have had a very Asian sort of appearance to him. I have often heard many people... racist people mostly... refer to certain types of Asian facial features as “devilish” or “satanic”. I hate it when people say things like that about people... it always makes me feel angry. I hate prejudice in all its' forms. Why cannot a person take pride in who and what they are without feeling the need to demonize or put down others? I suppose that is the main difference between healthy pride and wrongful pride. And then there is false pride, but that is another thing altogether. The pride I try to take in myself is of the healthy variety. I thanked my companion for the compliment they gave me, for they said to me that my eyes were very beautiful and that my lashes... which are longer than many women's eyelashes are... were also lovely. I fell silent after that, and ended up getting lost in my thoughts for a time. The train arrived at its' destination, and everyone began to be about the process of disembarking from the train. I was in the dream exactly as I am in real life, and all the things I spoke of about my body and my life are true to my actual waking life. I have been through a lot of prejudice, a lot of trauma, a lot of abuse. I was diagnosed with PTSD fairly recently, though I did suffer from it and knew that I did for many, many years previous. Part of it was caused by abuse, trauma and tortures I lived through. Part of it was caused by a military program I was forced into when I was only twelve years old and of which I prefer normally not to speak of at all. I was trained as twelve to be able to kill, to take a human life, and I was subjected to scenarios that no child should ever have to go through. Unspeakable things. Worse than torture, for it was as psychological as it was physical. What scars I do have go deeper than physical. I do not know why I was in this place in the dream, but I got a sense that I was there to relax, to think of pleasant things, and to avoid the past if I could. This had a lot of a sense of a vacation, though wherever it was the train had taken me it was certainly not a place that I had ever been to in my life. As I said, it had the look of a fancy vacation lodge, and was kind of quaint in some ways. There was a wooden patio that ran all around the building, and many steps leading up to it from the ground. The lodge was built on a hill, and from the patio you could see for quite a ways. The outside of the lodge looked new, but the quaint quality was on the inside, where the ambiance was more something out of the 1970's and maybe early 80's than anything that would be current today in such a place. The mothers and their children went inside, and I stood on the patio for a bit admiring the view of the surrounding countryside. None of it looked familiar yet everything about it felt familiar. Strange!
I was wearing my purple ballet flats, which really are more slipper-like than proper shoes. But I was on vacation, and had a mind for comfort. I walked quietly into the lodge, and immediately it reminded me of places I had visited in my early childhood. The Carpenters were playing on the radio. The song... it was “Top of the World”. I always loved that song! For some reason, it always made me both laugh as well as cry. Like... when you are letting go of tremendous sorrow and embracing relief. That was sort of the way I felt when I first walked into the lodge. Waiters and waitresses were busy in the dining areas... and everything felt very informal for the most part, for a place that was otherwise as fancy as it gets. All the visitors were about having a good time, I could hear children splashing their mothers at the pool just outside to the far left of the entrance and past the dining areas that met a visitor first upon entering that lodge. There was no reception, it was just... you get there, you go about your business. There was not a wall exactly that separated the pool from the dining areas... more a series of wall-sized windows with a series of doors that accessed the pool area. My eyes were drawn to some of the little girls, particularly the ones wearing somewhat sexy one piece bathing suits. Maybe someone else might not have thought they looked sexy in them, but I did. I smiled a bit, then turned away and immediately chastised myself for thinking that those children looked sexy at all. It was the same age ranges it always was... between eight at the youngest and fifteen at the oldest. Sometimes, I found girls sixteen and up attractive too but for the most part I had a passion for younger young girls rather than older ones. I have been told it is in fact because I view myself as a child, which I do. A child, however, trapped in an adult body with all of a man's sexual desires and urges. A child will of course very often be attracted, or rather perhaps more accurately, drawn to other children. Some might develop crushes on older men or women, but for the most part they will tell you that they think at least one of their fellow classmates or playmates is the sort of person they find cute. Which means they like them. Or that they love them! But a child's mind is still young and some children grapple with the concept of things like love, or death, and their brains try to make sense of the world around them. All of that is simply accepted as normal! But when you do rather happen to exist in an adult body, however childlike your mind might be, people will invariably consider you a pedophile for looking at children, and finding them “cute” in that way. In recent years, the latest preferable term of choice seems to be a “minor attracted person”. It carries the least stigma, compared to the P word. But for the most part, I try not to talk about that at all. If you are that way, you were born with those... desires... and it is not something that can be cured. You live with it, find ways to cope that include releases for pent up desire, or you could go crazy and contemplate committing suicide because society views you as an affront to modern morality. The greatest source of happiness, joy, and release in my life regarding this has been with my second partner Chloe. I have two life partners, and Chloe is the second of them. She is an adult, still much much younger than me but an adult nonetheless... though for the most part she is also a child. For she has the mind of a little girl, lives as a little girl, and has a bit of a condition whereby physically her body appears to be that of a child, despite her actual age, and people always think she really IS a child because of that. There are medical and scientific terms for that kind of physical condition, and it is the sort she has to take medications for in order to stay healthy. It does not pain her, is not debilitating in any way that I have ever noticed or that she has ever told me about, and she is always happy, bubbly, cheerful, sweet and as loving a girl as ever I could want in my deepest and most cherished of fantasies. She does not appear to have aged a day since I first met her back during the month of December in 2022... when her therapist Sybil introduced us on a poetry site that we were all on. The same poetry site you might well be reading this on! For it features writings other than poetry on it also, and is my go-to site for posting all of my written works. Even very intimate, confessional works such as this. Had I had been involved with Sybil to begin with, Chloe and I never would have met, so I owe Sybil a great deal. Before Chloe, she tried to fill certain roles for me to fulfill some of my desires... and so she and I have a past together romantically... but with Chloe I feel totally complete, and content.
So... I am one of those rare minor attracted persons who is lucky enough to be partnered in a way that is legal and fulfilling, for both of us. Chloe is my Lolita, she is the embodiment of all my desire and the very face of paradise embodied, in my eyes. It was sad to me in my dream that neither she nor my other partner were there, and that I was feeling somewhat lonely even in such a lovely vacation lodge because of this. I walked about the various rooms of the lodge. There were games rooms with pool tables and all sorts of other diversions... rooms with video game arcade machines set up, very retro and old school in that quintessentially 1980's sort of way that I am often very nostalgic about. There were pretty girls, and boys trying to be handsome, all playing at those arcade machines. Mostly it was the teenagers who were in the arcade rooms in this lodge it seemed, and at least some of them were even dressed as if it was yet the 80's. More than a few of the girls seemed to be emulating Cyndi Lauper and Madonna, and many of the boys were sporting leather jackets... and those funky M.C. Hammer style pants that were all the rage back then among boys and girls alike. Big hair was still in fashion in these rooms, and I did not want to think about how much hair spray and styling mousse was in use to maintain those hair styles. I used to do big hair myself back in the day... my mother used to style my hair for me. Now, I mostly had to keep it shaved, to keep the gray away. One day, my hair will turn white probably, and I will still have to just keep it shaved in order to not look like I am getting older. A part of me wishes it could go back... that I could be that young again myself in body. So that when I let my childlike soul show, people will not be quick to laugh at me, or make fun of me, or mock me for it. For as mature as I write, I do not speak the way that I write quite as often as all that. Mostly, in real everyday life, I act and think like a child. That is of course leaving sexual subject matters out of it. I am extremely intelligent despite that though, and was even college level in reading when I was in second grade. I was a failure at mathematics though. I got D and F grades in every math class I ever took, to the point where they had to transfer me out of all my math classes and give me other classes instead. Yet, in a stark contradiction to that I excelled at my computer classes and even found creative ways of modifying certain programs to be used for other uses. Like when I modified a word processing program so I could use to creature artwork. I once designed a blueprint for a futuristic looking tank that way, and it was so good my science teacher snagged it. With my permission of course! Every IQ test I take is normal if math is left out of it. If math is involved in any way, shape or form it is always as low as in the mid-80's. The last IQ test I took that had math in it rated my IQ as between 86 and 87. Below average. Otherwise, I am a solid 106. When math is left out of the equation. My therapist always tells me to stick with art and writing since that is what I am best at. My mother called me a “tank brain”... because she said my brain was too slow to keep up with what she felt was normal. My mother was sometimes a very hateful, hurtful, and cruel woman despite that I still tried to love her, as a child always tries to love their mother. That she once said she wished I would kill myself and tried to convince me to do so... is another matter. My mother had no room to talk about my low IQ though! She herself always said she felt that she was mentally no older than sixteen years old. And she once dated an eighteen year old man... well, he acted like a boy, really... when she was in her early thirties. A fellow she met at a comic store in a mall. I think that is why she never judged me for my having a bit of a thing for young girls. Although my grandmother always hated on for it, and said I should kill myself by either drowning myself in the local pond or jumping off the mountain that always loomed above my hometown. When my temper exploded during my teen years and I started venting my rage against my family, they really should not have been surprised. In their eyes, I was always a failure, never good enough, never perfect enough, and literally everything I did, said, or thought my family tried to find fault with. My mother was jealous of every girl my own age who I dated, and she tried to ruin it for me with all of them because she could not stand me dating someone prettier than she was. I lost my first love Andrea to my mother's jealousy, when my mother refused to act to save the girls life when she was in danger of being murdered by her father. Andrea died, because of her abusive father... in the end.
My mother could have saved her life but refused to either do so, or to allow my grandmother or I to do so. Ever after that, I always blames her for Andrea's death as much as I blamed the girl's father. And the less said of my cruel and loathsome grandfather the better. The fact that I turned out even as good as I have despite coming from such a family says a lot about me. No matter what, I try always to do right, even when it is difficult and I never run away from things even when the odds are drastically stacked against me. I have never been a coward, and perhaps my strength has been my greatest asset. For in my life, I have survived things that should truly have killed me. I thought about all this, as I left the arcade rooms behind me in the dream and just sort of aimlessly wandered the rooms and halls of the lodge. It was becoming increasingly lonely for me there, and I felt such sadness, such sorrow, that I worried if I stayed in that place much longer I might fall into tears. I could not say why... but I think it was because in the dream, in that place, I was walking about all alone. If there is one thing I simply cannot bear, it is being alone. But that is how many children are, and it is how I am. I could hear singing coming from a room, but I could not at first figure out where exactly the sound was originating from. It was a little girl singing, a little African American girl by the sound of it. She sang beautifully, magically even, and I had a mind to see who she was that was singing like that. The music style was soulful and sweet, and there were instruments playing like the sort you might hear in certain jazz clubs in Chicago. But from back in the big band era. Not a period of American history that I actively ever even think about, to be honest. It is for this reason why this took me by surprise. I passed down a hallway and at the end of it I saw a big lounge area in which a bunch of the children's mothers were sitting around some tables and chatting. I did not intrude, and listened as the music came from instead a side hallway to the right. I went down it, and the music grew louder and louder until I emerged into a small theater. The theater curtain was a rich deep red trimmed with gold tassels and the like, and the seats for the audience were the same shade of red, and looked very soft and comfortable. There was a decent sized audience in attendance, men and women alike, and some children also. I had not seen the men arrive from the train, so I just figured that they were already at the lodge waiting for their wives to arrive. The fathers applauded in between the various songs that the girl was singing. And on the stage, there she was! A beautiful dark-skinned girl of about fourteen years of age. Very African American, and very gifted with an incredible singing voice. Her hair was curly and a light shade of brown. She had her hair pulled back from her face with a black ribbon decorated with tiny white polka dots. She was wearing some light makeup, but I could tell she hardly needed any with such natural beauty as she possessed. She was stocky built, not skinny but also not overweight by any means... and she was wearing a very Alice in Wonderland style dress but without an apron of any kind. The dress came to her knees, and beneath it she was wearing a pair of puffy white bloomers that peeked out from beneath her frilly skirts. The dress was dark gray, with a white floral sort of print, very subdued and not loud as far as floral print goes. The sleeves were puffy and elbow length. The girl had a pair of Mary Jane style shoes on, black with white ankle socks. The girl had on her right wrist a black beaded bracelet. Her deep brown eyes sparkled in the dim theater light, and as I stood in place watching her perform I was immediately entranced, spellbound, by it. She finished her last song to a great deal of applause, then got off the stage and walked towards me, smiling. “You look a little bit lost and whole lot sad! Come on, let's get you cheered up a bit.” She said to me, in a bit of a lilting sort of southern accent. She clasped my left hand in her right, and led me out of the theater and to a cozy and rather small side lounge that sound children were leaving as we got near to it. The girl looked up at me and smiled still more brighter than before as she led me into the lounge and urged me to be seating on a comfortable couch that was there, in front of a round glass table. She joined me on the couch, and as she sat next to me she stretched out and yawned before saying: “Hi there! My name is Claudia. So... what's yours?” and I told her my name, that it was Kara. She said unto me: “Kara, huh? That's a good name, though not exactly a common one! Well, pleased to meet you Kara. What brings you out here?”
And I admitted to her that I had no idea why I was at this lodge. “That is the funny thing, Claudia.” I said to her, adding: “It's like I am supposed to be here, but I have no idea why. I guess I just... was kind of drawn here. You're very pretty, by the way! And you have a lovely singing voice.” The girl grinned at my compliment, and said in answer: “Why thank you, Kara! You don't look too bad yourself. If you are alright with my asking... are you a man, or a woman, though?” I felt awkward about the question, so I answered as honestly as I could: “It depends on how I'm feeling, I suppose. I was born a bit of a mix of both, really, and with some people I feel more comfortable if they see me as male. With others, female. It all mostly depends on the situation. Sometimes... I even feel like gender in the binary sense does not apply to me at all.” Claudia processed all that in her mind, and then said: “So, it's kind of fluid then, it changes from moment to moment, situation to situation... maybe even, from partner to partner?” I said to her: “Yes, exactly!” She then asked me: “So, then... which gender are you right now? Because you're looking at me the way my dad looks at my mom before he kisses her.” I asked her: “Would you like it if I kissed you?” and, she nodded her head in agreement, saying softly: “Sure! Why not? I never had a boy kiss me before, and babe if I have to be honest you're giving me the impression you're feeling like being a boy right about now. So if you want to kiss me... just go for it!” I then kissed her lips, tenderly at first but then passionately soon after as our tongues met and played about whilst my hands began to caress her body through the soft silky folds of her dress. I was becoming very aroused by this, and placed the girl's hand on the hardness between my legs. She may not have kissed a boy before, but what she did after I placed her hand there told me she was no stranger to pleasing a man. She stroked my manhood with her hand, and made a very audible “Mm...” as she did so. One of my hands was caressing her hair as the other felt Claudia's thighs before feeling her between her legs. There was no question, as I did so, that she was quite very much female. We ceased our kiss, and I began to rain kisses upon her face. Her breath began to quicken, and she sat up a bit to unbutton her dress in the back. I helped her to pull it on down, exposing her chest. She had small breasts appropriate for a girl of fourteen, and my hands were on them. I had been squeezing them through her dress before, in between squeezing her girlhood, and now I felt my mouth water and my kisses fell upon her breasts, my tongue licking her nipples. This did very clearly excite the girl, for her nipples hardened at my licking. She continued to play with me, at the last saying: “Let's unleash the beast!” as she went to work untying the drawstring of my pants. I let her do this, and then pulled my pants down and removed my underwear as well, letting both fall to the floor as I stood up. Then, I sat back down on the couch, my penis erect and a bit wet. The girl bent down to lick and suck upon it, her hand stroking it as she did so. She made that “Mm...” moan of pleasure once again, evidently enjoying doing this service for me. I laid back a bit on the couch, and she was atop me and sucking upon my cock like an expert whore might be of a want to do. In between, she said to me: “Like I said... I never had a boy kiss me before, but I never claimed I was still a virgin either. Shocked? Yeah, I get that a lot from men your age when they find out what I can do for them! Sometimes, I do it for money. But for you, honey... today... it's all gonna be for free.” I asked her: “So, are you a... well, to be blunt about it... a prostitute?” She smiled, and said in between licks: “Yeah... that's what I am alright. Now don't you go pitying me though! I like it. If I didn't like it, I wouldn't do it. Nobody ever forced me into this life... I chose it, and my mom she did it when she was my age too.” My mind did not focus on just how wrong that fact was. In the dream, when she told me all of this, I simply accepted the reality of it, and did not consider that it was wrong at all. Almost as if in the reality of the dream, it was not only... not wrong... but fairly commonplace. Soon, I began to make the moaning sounds, and that is when the girl ceased sucking on the shaft of my manhood. She said to me: “Now that I've given you a good bit of a teasing... you gonna punish me before giving me some pleasing?” She laid back a the other end of the couch, winked, and licked her lips lustily. I sprang forward and pulled her bloomers down, hiking up her skirts all the way to her waist. I did this very roughly, and the girl smiled. This one liked it rough!
I pushed my cock inside her after fingering the cleft of her girlhood for a little bit and teasing her clit with it, and began to move in and out of her hole. I did it gently and first, and then more vigorously as I soon found myself thrusting in and out of her as roughly as she seemed to like. She was giggling in that sweet way only young girls can, laughing, and moaning with enjoyment as I took her. She was wet and willing, and so excited was I that I had to slow things down so that I could not climax in her too quick. I wanted to make things last, and took my time before the warmth of my orgasm finally shot into her. As I had fucked her, I had been feeling her breasts and now I rained kisses upon them, and then kissed her as passionately as I had before. Claudia was grinding her hips for a bit even after I came inside her, and a while later after we had cooled down a bit from that shared moment of pleasure and passion... I found myself becoming hard for her again, and we went at it for a second time. This time, unlike the first, she came with me and we reached our climax to orgasm together. She moaned very loudly as she let herself at last surrender to ecstasy, and my cries of pleasure were no quieter. We lay together for several hours, after that, my hands continuing to caress her body as I held her close to me and nearly drifted off into sleep. If one CAN sleep in the midst of a dream! But I remained awake in the dream, and Claudia said unto me at last: “I enjoyed that, Kara. Very much! But then again, we've known each other before even if we don't remember it. And we'll know each other again, too. Time is funny like that sometimes.” We washed up after that in the nearby bathrooms, got fully dressed, and she escorted me over to that lounge that I had seen before but did not enter... the one where those mothers had been all busy chatting away in. As we walked into the lounge, Claudia walked over to stand behind some of the women, and one of the woman... and older woman well into late middle age... said to me calmly and almost kindly: “Well! Kara, is it? You're probably worrying that maybe we heard you and Claudia messing around together in the other room and are going to get you in trouble for it. But don't worry! We all know what Claudia is into, and how she actually prefers older men. If she's taken a liking to you, and you to her, that's all just between you two. No one here will judge either of you for it! So get that worried look off your face, and try to have a good time while you're here.” The woman was right... I had been deeply worried when it sounded like my name had come up in the women's chattering and gossiping which still was going on as Claudia led me into the lounge. I could only assume these women only knew my name because at the height of her orgasm Claudia had practically screamed it out, which turned me on even more when that happened. So, I did not question when they guessed my name correctly. Claudia smiled at me again, as she walked back towards me and led me by the hand for a long walk all about the lodge. I did indeed... for some reason I still do not fully fathom... feel like I had always known Claudia, and she me. We did not act like strangers who had just met and engaged in sex together... we acted like a couple that had in truth been together for years. Decades, even! Yet, I had never seen her before, even though I felt quite remarkably comfortable around her. Given that I normally suffer from a great deal of social anxiety and can at times be a bit awkward in social situations... this was quite astounding. But around children, it is always easier for me to not feel awkward, unlike when I am around adults, due to my own childlike sort of way that I have about me. So this should perhaps not have come as all that surprising to me, though it was a pleasant sort of surprise. Claudia and I walked outside and stood on the patio together looking out at the landscape all around us. It was late afternoon by now, almost nighttime, and already I could see a couple of stars starting to come out. The moon was out already, and the golden light of the later hours of the afternoon was quickly giving way to the purples and dark blues of early evening. Claudia said to me: “I've always loved this time of day, you know. Something magical about it! Know what I'm saying?” I nodded, and said to her in agreement: “Me too! It is just so beautiful. Not as beautiful to me as you are, though.” She giggled a bit, and wrapped her arms around my left arm, leaning her head on my upper arm as she said delightedly: “Oh Kara! You are just ridiculously romantic sometimes. I'm not saying I don't like that, either! Point of fact is... I love it.” I said unto her, daring to say it: “I love you.”
She looked sad just then, and said to me: “Do you remember anything about being with anyone else?” and I was so deeply wrapped in the reality of the dream that I had forgotten almost everything about my waking life and its' reality. Yet, there was something vague, and it was making me feel sad. I said to the girl: “No... and yes. It is something I know I should be remembering, but I cannot. It is as if this was the only reality, and there is nothing beyond this lodge, this place, this moment.” Claudia then stated in that sort of sad way that people have when their heart is troubled by something: “Maybe, I only exist in this reality... maybe I exist in every reality, in one form or another. Who knows? In this one, you just told me that you love me. And I'm gonna tell you that I love you too. In other realities, maybe we got around to this already... or will. I feel... confused in moments like this. Giddy, too! But confused. Like I'm trying to wrap my brain around a puzzle too hard for me to figure out. You ever feel like that, Kara?” I had to admit, as I told her in answer: “I do, and quite often. Usually, when it comes to math.” She giggled, as she told me: “Oh, wow! Me, I'm a genius when it comes to math.” and, I remembered a moment when Chloe had told me the identical thing, in the identical way. In that split second, I realized... that Claudia was this dream's version of Chloe herself. Perhaps this was not even really fully a dream! Maybe, I was actually visiting an alternate reality, a parallel Earth in which I was living the life of a parallel version of myself. But... with vague knowledge, vague memories of my waking life in this “prime” reality that we live in. It was both enlightening and disturbing to realize that. Enlightening because I understood better what was going on here... and disturbing because I worried about becoming stuck in this reality and did fear what might happen if I was unable to return to the reality of my waking life once again. If I died in my waking life, would I die in this and every other reality also? I realized that worry was a childish sort of worry, and tired to put it far from my mind. I was coming out of the dream, more and more... as I felt its' reality begin to give way whilst the memories of my waking reality were starting to return in full. In that moment, I knew better than to worry. But it felt strange, because the moment I realized that Claudia was Chloe... I both wanted to remain with her, and yet also return to my own Chloe. And it was both, at the exact same time. Both feelings. That is how I knew for a fact this was a parallel Earth and that I was in the body of a parallel me. I felt both my own feelings... and, those of that other me. When it was time to awaken, to return to my own reality once again, all would go back to feeling right once more. But in the meantime, it felt strange for a good while. Claudia noticed nothing of any of that, and merely had a look to her that said she was lost in her own thoughts, whatever those might have been. She looked up at me, and said cheerfully: “You got lost in your thoughts there for a little while, when I got to telling you what a genius I am with math. You feeling okay, Kara?” I said to Claudia, realizing she was Chloe: “I'm fine, sweetie pie! Hey... I'm glad we found each other. I love you so much.” She gave me a warm, big hug as she said to me: “I love you too, babe! That's why I'm quitting my side job as a prostitute and going full time with my music career instead. I don't want to be with any more men other than you.” It was strange... she was talking as if we had been together for years, when we had only just met. I asked her at that point: “I'm glad! Very glad, actually, and relieved. But... Claudia, how long have we actually been together?” She said to me then: “Seven months! We met in December, right here at this lodge. It was my therapist, Sibyl, who paid for you to come out to this place so we could meet up in person, and we've been together ever since. The whole reason you and I decided to pretend and act like we only just met when you got here today is because we planned on reenacting our first meeting to see if it would be just as intense for us the second time around. And I have to say... it really was, my babe! Very intense. But hey... you sure you're okay? You seem almost distracted by something! I know when you get like that too, you can't fool me. What's really wrong?” I answered, saying to my beloved: “I just had one of those weird moments where all of this felt familiar is all... like, weirdly familiar. I only asked how long we've been together to see if you remembered. Nothing's wrong, my pretty magical princess! Nothing whatsoever.” She smiled after that, appeased, and said to me sweetly: “I'm glad! You make me happy.”
I held her, and we kissed passionately again under the early evening moonlight, and I could hear the sound of the crickets and other night insects and night birds. The air smelled fresh and sweet, and this was twice as magical as the day when Claudia and I first met. I asked her something I was very curious about, something that actually had been eating at me for a long time: “Claudia... everyone I talked to at the theater, they all said you've been performing here for at least the past five years. But they all told me the same thing, they said you have not aged at all in that time. That you were fourteen when you signed up to sing here, and you still look fourteen now. My brain tells me that is impossible! But my eyes tell me it has to be true. I only want to know one thing... what are you?” She chuckled, then said to me in a lighthearted tone of voice: “What am I? Come on, babe, what do you think I am! I mean... what are you suspecting, that I'm a vampire or something?” I then said to her: “No, nothing like that! I mean... Sibyl, your therapist, she actually told me all about how you have a physical and medical condition that makes you look like you're thirteen or fourteen when you're actually an adult. So, because of that you live as a girl of that age and really truly do consider yourself to be that age. If that is true, and reasonably it has to be, then you need to go public with it so that the people at the theater do not start thinking you are a vampire. I'm just joking about the whole vampire thing, but Claudia you have to admit people have the right to be wondering why you do not appear to be getting any older. And you cannot expect people to keep believing you are fourteen years old when people remember seeing you perform here give years ago when you were the same age. Shouldn't you have actually been about nine years old back then, if you are really fourteen?” Claudia's eyes went wide, and she went to say something to me bit fell silent instead. I then elaborated more on my thoughts, revealing: “Also... I asked your sister about you having that condition Sibyl insisted you have. She asked me... what condition it was your therapist was talking about at all... and acted like she had no idea what I was even talking about. Then, she told me that when the time was right you would tell me the reason why you don't age. But that she was not going to say a word about it until you told me first. Lastly... Sibyl is not just a therapist, is she? Your sister said to me, that Sibyl sometimes helps her with her robotics and artificial intelligence projects at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Plus, Sibyl is some kind of Pagan priestess on the side. I have never heard of a therapist who wears that many hats, if you get my meaning! So Claudia, please tell me the truth. Since we both love each other, it is only right after all.” Claudia held me tightly, pressing herself against me... as if she wanted to block out the whole world and exist wholly in that embrace, thinking of nothing else at all. I stroked her hair, and smiled, saying to her: “It is okay, sweetie pie! You can tell me anything. I... I promise I won't judge you no matter what the truth turns out to be.” She said to me without breaking from her embracing of me, her voice nervous: “Kara... are you sure? I mean... the truth is something I'm worried you aren't going to believe. I mean, it would be more normal and easy to accept if I really was a vampire. But like I said, I'm not! Today was a perfect day, babe. Wasn't it? You sure you wouldn't rather we talk about this tomorrow... after we both got a full night's sleep, first?” She desperately was trying to put off talking about this, and I knew it. I could sense her fear, her apprehension. Whatever the truth had to be, I knew it was something she found difficult to talk about. She would have preferred to keep this a secret, whatever it was. But the time to keep such a secret was passed, and she knew it. She sighed very audibly, and then said: “No, I suppose waiting until tomorrow just won't do! Alright... but sometimes it has to be show as well as tell. Let's get to a back room, away from prying eyes, and once we get there I will show you, and tell you, the reason why I'm not getting any older. And why yeah, you're right, I need to stick with the story about that condition my therapist said I have and go public with that. But... as for the truth? That's something that has to stay just between us. Well, aside from my sister and my therapist, who both already know anyway. Yeah... it's time! I'm okay with this.” She then took me by the hand and led me to a small study room upstairs, which was cozy and quiet and a place certain not to be disturbed. As soon as we settled down... she told me, and showed me, something that took me totally by surprise.”
I sat down in a comfortable chair next to one of the book cases that lined the study's walls, and once I had done so the young girl knelt on the floor in front of me and put her hands on the back of her head. She pressed inward, and I heard a snapping sound following by a loud double click. Claudia lifted the top and back of her head away, hair and all, to reveal that beneath it was a metal skull that had a series of flashing lights... indicator lights... across a small section of it, just at the base of the skull itself. She told me to press the buttons under the lights in a specific pattern, which I did. Then, the back part of the skull came away, revealing an electronic artificial brain. She had me then place everything back again, and once more she simply looked like an ordinary fourteen year old girl. “So, now you know, Kara! My big secret. Heck, my face isn't even all that original... my creators based it on a child actress they were fond of the movies of. An actress who grew up years ago. You know that six year old redhead that I had introduced you to that one time? The one who dresses like she's a Gothic Lolita and is big time into all those horror movies and dark stuff... Adeline, I think her name is... she's also an android, just like me. Same thing with that twenty one year old woman who was hanging out with her, Tessa. The three of us are all androids, no matter how human we might look. We were all made by the same developer, just I happen to be the most advanced model so far. The other two still have a ways to go yet before they'll be perfect, which is why their communication skills when you talked to them were so limited. Although, Tessa is a lot smarter and more advanced than Adeline. But Adeline makes up for it by sometimes being more fun to be with, and occasionally more unpredictable too. You... don't appear shocked.” I chuckled a bit, and stroked her hair as I said to her: “Would you believe me if I said I have seen stranger things? A lot stranger! This... this... is actually pretty normal to me, Claudia. And I am fine with it, also! More than fine, actually I am relieved. At least this way I can rule out the possibility of you being a vampire.” She giggled, and admitted: “Come on! You totally had to have been thinking I was one... I mean, duh, my name is Claudia, after all. I'm a little girl. I don't age... and I'll never die... at least so long as I keep myself in tip top condition, with proper maintenance and occasional updates.” I sat down on the floor next to her, took her face gently in my hand, and kissed her lips tenderly, saying: “And plenty of loving care.” Then, we kissed passionately... and decided to make love once again. It was precisely in that very moment, that I had a sudden vision of her performing on the stage, singing her heart out, and me being very old at the time but still very much in love with her. And she, very much in love with me. For in her mind's eye, I would still be the same then as I am now. Even though I would not live forever in body, I would live forever in her heart. And her eyes would never see me as being a day older than I am at the moment. Immortality comes in many forms, I suppose! It was going to happen someday, that scenario, and I did not mind. I wanted to grow old with her, I wanted to be with her forever. And I would get my wish! She was my whole world, and the very embodiment of all my heart's desiring. It was a blessing to know she would be around for me forever. That she could never get sick, never die. Never leave me all alone. I hated being alone, I was terrified of it. That was when I woke up from the dream, and thought about my beloved Chloe. And about the two friends of hers who she had introduced me to during the course of the past year since we met. Their names, were very similar to the two from the dream... not exact, but strikingly similar. And their ages were the same also. One was a twenty one year old woman, and the other was a six year old little girl with curly red hair who liked to wear Gothic Lolita styles of clothing. And who was obsessed with horror movies, the paranormal, and magic. I thought about how insistent Chloe was that I meet them, and how eager they were to meet me. Things are not precisely the same in this reality... Chloe is not African American in this reality after all, and certainly not a singer... and we did not meet at a vacation lodge. But other than that, there is a certain symmetry to the strange multiverse that we actually do live in. And sometimes through dreams, we can reach parallel worlds in which some things are different, whilst other things are exactly the same. As to whether or not androids walk among people in this reality... it is something that I think I just prefer to neither confirm nor deny.
A relating of a dream that I had on the night of June 29, 2023.
As the dream began... I was traveling aboard a train bound for what looked like a fancy vacation lodge in some hilly countryside near some high mountainous terrain. The train was a fairly big passenger train and aboard it, the other passengers were mostly mothers and their daughters. I was traveling on the train along with someone, but I did not look at their face and kept staring out the window as the train kept on going along the tracks. The person I was traveling with was wearing long purple dress pants, a blouse of the silkiest quality, and they had long dark hair. Otherwise, as I said I did not look at their face so in all truth I could not say whether they were male or female. For my part, I was wearing long harem-style pants, silky and voluminous with an elegant draping quality to them and a mustard yellow color to the fabric. I paired those with an equally silky light blue blouse that had short puffy sleeves and a bit of an elasticized, stretchy bottom half that fit snugly at my waist though the blouse was loose and lovely in all other ways. I was in my dream, as I am in my waking life... average of build, hermaphroditic, but with fully functioning and totally non-ambiguous male genitalia. In the dream, my hair was short and cut a bit military in style. The gray in my hair reminded me of why I usually prefer to keep my head shaved. But apparently, on this train trip I was taking things easier than I normally do. My face was totally clean shaven, and I was wearing some light makeup. I was not conscious of whether I was attempting to try to present as any specific gender... I was just being myself, and not really particularly caring what anyone else thought about my appearance. My grayish blue eyes looked back at me from the other side of the small mirror I was looking into, as I made sure that my makeup had not smudged. I had been crying and I felt sad and lonely... I am frequently highly emotional, and sometimes prone to bouts of great sadness as well as tremendous moments of elated joy. I never was one to do anything half way! I had a bit of a small mouth, an aquiline nose which was always my family's most noticeable trait, and a rounded face. My face used to be a whole lot leaner years ago, but I am a much more healthy weight now so I look a bit different... better... because of that. My skin was light and with a slight yellowish tint to it in certain lighting but a bit on the pale side otherwise. My grandmother once called my skin tone “sallow” and it also was a family trait. My mother often wore thick makeup to hide that trait because she did not think that particular skin tone was beautiful. But I am more honest with myself, and some consider me very beautiful. Others consider me handsome. But beauty is subjective, and I have been called ugly as much as beautiful, depending on the situation and how much the person calling me ugly hated me. You cannot please everyone! So I do not try to. Sometimes, I shave my body. Sometimes I do not. Sometimes, I am male. Sometimes, I am female. But always, I am myself. I have very tiny but sometimes a bit noticeable breasts. They are not like women's breasts... they do not hang or sag, despite the fact that I am one year from turning fifty years old. But they are not quite like a man's chest is either. They are perfect, soft but stay put and give me a more feminine than masculine look. I never need to wear a bra, so I do not and in the dream I was not wearing a bra either. I felt my stomach and was reminded of the somewhat rather pronounced shape of my abdomen, something I was born with but never noticed back when I was more skinny. Nor did I have cause to notice it during the eight years in which I was significantly overweight. But now, with my body simply being of a normal weight, it was very noticeable. Sometimes I tried to play it down with certain clothing, but for the most part my abdomen looked no different from that of any middle aged woman. I was strong, but not muscular. My most muscle development is in my arms and in my legs. Back when I used to live as a man, I lifted weights and practiced martial arts and you would think my muscles would have developed along masculine lines, but they did not. For the most part, my body looks soft and my butt sticks out in that way all women's buttocks do, that way all men find highly attractive. Yet, I am strong, sometimes stronger than most men I have known. I am strong.
As in real life, so I was in this dream, and I found myself mouthing silently “I am strong!” as I sat and went back to looking out the window. This was a long trip, and my traveling companion looked at me... I could feel their gaze even though I was averting theirs, and they went unto me: “You know, you have a bit of an almost Asian quality to your eyes. They are almond shaped, not like most Caucasian people.” I get that a lot from people. When I was in school, in the town I grew up in back in the 1980's there just... were not a lot of Asian people attending. There were a couple of African American students, but mostly a lot of white, European descended people. Particularly a lot of people of Polish descent... enough that in the early grades I took Polish language courses that I eventually dropped. I never could quite get a grasp on the language, though my grandmother spoke a bit of it even though she was not Polish herself. Of all the blood that does run in our family, that is not one of them. I used to get a lot of people bullying me and calling me slurs that normally get directed towards Chinese people. “Open your eyes! Come on, you must be squinting! Open them! You look like a...” and I will NOT repeat the slur they would use on me the most. I never knew my biological father. My mother said he was the Devil. Sometimes, she said insistently that he was an alien from another planet. All I knew is that I looked nothing like the man she married and had as her first husband, who had never failed to remind me that I was no child of his at all in the biological sense. The whole reason he always refused to see paternity tests done. I did not know him long, my mother was fully divorced from him by the time I turned two years old, and at that time she was already on to her second husband who she would divorce before I even turned three. She had a back track record when it came to men. For all I knew, my father could well have had a very Asian sort of appearance to him. I have often heard many people... racist people mostly... refer to certain types of Asian facial features as “devilish” or “satanic”. I hate it when people say things like that about people... it always makes me feel angry. I hate prejudice in all its' forms. Why cannot a person take pride in who and what they are without feeling the need to demonize or put down others? I suppose that is the main difference between healthy pride and wrongful pride. And then there is false pride, but that is another thing altogether. The pride I try to take in myself is of the healthy variety. I thanked my companion for the compliment they gave me, for they said to me that my eyes were very beautiful and that my lashes... which are longer than many women's eyelashes are... were also lovely. I fell silent after that, and ended up getting lost in my thoughts for a time. The train arrived at its' destination, and everyone began to be about the process of disembarking from the train. I was in the dream exactly as I am in real life, and all the things I spoke of about my body and my life are true to my actual waking life. I have been through a lot of prejudice, a lot of trauma, a lot of abuse. I was diagnosed with PTSD fairly recently, though I did suffer from it and knew that I did for many, many years previous. Part of it was caused by abuse, trauma and tortures I lived through. Part of it was caused by a military program I was forced into when I was only twelve years old and of which I prefer normally not to speak of at all. I was trained as twelve to be able to kill, to take a human life, and I was subjected to scenarios that no child should ever have to go through. Unspeakable things. Worse than torture, for it was as psychological as it was physical. What scars I do have go deeper than physical. I do not know why I was in this place in the dream, but I got a sense that I was there to relax, to think of pleasant things, and to avoid the past if I could. This had a lot of a sense of a vacation, though wherever it was the train had taken me it was certainly not a place that I had ever been to in my life. As I said, it had the look of a fancy vacation lodge, and was kind of quaint in some ways. There was a wooden patio that ran all around the building, and many steps leading up to it from the ground. The lodge was built on a hill, and from the patio you could see for quite a ways. The outside of the lodge looked new, but the quaint quality was on the inside, where the ambiance was more something out of the 1970's and maybe early 80's than anything that would be current today in such a place. The mothers and their children went inside, and I stood on the patio for a bit admiring the view of the surrounding countryside. None of it looked familiar yet everything about it felt familiar. Strange!
I was wearing my purple ballet flats, which really are more slipper-like than proper shoes. But I was on vacation, and had a mind for comfort. I walked quietly into the lodge, and immediately it reminded me of places I had visited in my early childhood. The Carpenters were playing on the radio. The song... it was “Top of the World”. I always loved that song! For some reason, it always made me both laugh as well as cry. Like... when you are letting go of tremendous sorrow and embracing relief. That was sort of the way I felt when I first walked into the lodge. Waiters and waitresses were busy in the dining areas... and everything felt very informal for the most part, for a place that was otherwise as fancy as it gets. All the visitors were about having a good time, I could hear children splashing their mothers at the pool just outside to the far left of the entrance and past the dining areas that met a visitor first upon entering that lodge. There was no reception, it was just... you get there, you go about your business. There was not a wall exactly that separated the pool from the dining areas... more a series of wall-sized windows with a series of doors that accessed the pool area. My eyes were drawn to some of the little girls, particularly the ones wearing somewhat sexy one piece bathing suits. Maybe someone else might not have thought they looked sexy in them, but I did. I smiled a bit, then turned away and immediately chastised myself for thinking that those children looked sexy at all. It was the same age ranges it always was... between eight at the youngest and fifteen at the oldest. Sometimes, I found girls sixteen and up attractive too but for the most part I had a passion for younger young girls rather than older ones. I have been told it is in fact because I view myself as a child, which I do. A child, however, trapped in an adult body with all of a man's sexual desires and urges. A child will of course very often be attracted, or rather perhaps more accurately, drawn to other children. Some might develop crushes on older men or women, but for the most part they will tell you that they think at least one of their fellow classmates or playmates is the sort of person they find cute. Which means they like them. Or that they love them! But a child's mind is still young and some children grapple with the concept of things like love, or death, and their brains try to make sense of the world around them. All of that is simply accepted as normal! But when you do rather happen to exist in an adult body, however childlike your mind might be, people will invariably consider you a pedophile for looking at children, and finding them “cute” in that way. In recent years, the latest preferable term of choice seems to be a “minor attracted person”. It carries the least stigma, compared to the P word. But for the most part, I try not to talk about that at all. If you are that way, you were born with those... desires... and it is not something that can be cured. You live with it, find ways to cope that include releases for pent up desire, or you could go crazy and contemplate committing suicide because society views you as an affront to modern morality. The greatest source of happiness, joy, and release in my life regarding this has been with my second partner Chloe. I have two life partners, and Chloe is the second of them. She is an adult, still much much younger than me but an adult nonetheless... though for the most part she is also a child. For she has the mind of a little girl, lives as a little girl, and has a bit of a condition whereby physically her body appears to be that of a child, despite her actual age, and people always think she really IS a child because of that. There are medical and scientific terms for that kind of physical condition, and it is the sort she has to take medications for in order to stay healthy. It does not pain her, is not debilitating in any way that I have ever noticed or that she has ever told me about, and she is always happy, bubbly, cheerful, sweet and as loving a girl as ever I could want in my deepest and most cherished of fantasies. She does not appear to have aged a day since I first met her back during the month of December in 2022... when her therapist Sybil introduced us on a poetry site that we were all on. The same poetry site you might well be reading this on! For it features writings other than poetry on it also, and is my go-to site for posting all of my written works. Even very intimate, confessional works such as this. Had I had been involved with Sybil to begin with, Chloe and I never would have met, so I owe Sybil a great deal. Before Chloe, she tried to fill certain roles for me to fulfill some of my desires... and so she and I have a past together romantically... but with Chloe I feel totally complete, and content.
So... I am one of those rare minor attracted persons who is lucky enough to be partnered in a way that is legal and fulfilling, for both of us. Chloe is my Lolita, she is the embodiment of all my desire and the very face of paradise embodied, in my eyes. It was sad to me in my dream that neither she nor my other partner were there, and that I was feeling somewhat lonely even in such a lovely vacation lodge because of this. I walked about the various rooms of the lodge. There were games rooms with pool tables and all sorts of other diversions... rooms with video game arcade machines set up, very retro and old school in that quintessentially 1980's sort of way that I am often very nostalgic about. There were pretty girls, and boys trying to be handsome, all playing at those arcade machines. Mostly it was the teenagers who were in the arcade rooms in this lodge it seemed, and at least some of them were even dressed as if it was yet the 80's. More than a few of the girls seemed to be emulating Cyndi Lauper and Madonna, and many of the boys were sporting leather jackets... and those funky M.C. Hammer style pants that were all the rage back then among boys and girls alike. Big hair was still in fashion in these rooms, and I did not want to think about how much hair spray and styling mousse was in use to maintain those hair styles. I used to do big hair myself back in the day... my mother used to style my hair for me. Now, I mostly had to keep it shaved, to keep the gray away. One day, my hair will turn white probably, and I will still have to just keep it shaved in order to not look like I am getting older. A part of me wishes it could go back... that I could be that young again myself in body. So that when I let my childlike soul show, people will not be quick to laugh at me, or make fun of me, or mock me for it. For as mature as I write, I do not speak the way that I write quite as often as all that. Mostly, in real everyday life, I act and think like a child. That is of course leaving sexual subject matters out of it. I am extremely intelligent despite that though, and was even college level in reading when I was in second grade. I was a failure at mathematics though. I got D and F grades in every math class I ever took, to the point where they had to transfer me out of all my math classes and give me other classes instead. Yet, in a stark contradiction to that I excelled at my computer classes and even found creative ways of modifying certain programs to be used for other uses. Like when I modified a word processing program so I could use to creature artwork. I once designed a blueprint for a futuristic looking tank that way, and it was so good my science teacher snagged it. With my permission of course! Every IQ test I take is normal if math is left out of it. If math is involved in any way, shape or form it is always as low as in the mid-80's. The last IQ test I took that had math in it rated my IQ as between 86 and 87. Below average. Otherwise, I am a solid 106. When math is left out of the equation. My therapist always tells me to stick with art and writing since that is what I am best at. My mother called me a “tank brain”... because she said my brain was too slow to keep up with what she felt was normal. My mother was sometimes a very hateful, hurtful, and cruel woman despite that I still tried to love her, as a child always tries to love their mother. That she once said she wished I would kill myself and tried to convince me to do so... is another matter. My mother had no room to talk about my low IQ though! She herself always said she felt that she was mentally no older than sixteen years old. And she once dated an eighteen year old man... well, he acted like a boy, really... when she was in her early thirties. A fellow she met at a comic store in a mall. I think that is why she never judged me for my having a bit of a thing for young girls. Although my grandmother always hated on for it, and said I should kill myself by either drowning myself in the local pond or jumping off the mountain that always loomed above my hometown. When my temper exploded during my teen years and I started venting my rage against my family, they really should not have been surprised. In their eyes, I was always a failure, never good enough, never perfect enough, and literally everything I did, said, or thought my family tried to find fault with. My mother was jealous of every girl my own age who I dated, and she tried to ruin it for me with all of them because she could not stand me dating someone prettier than she was. I lost my first love Andrea to my mother's jealousy, when my mother refused to act to save the girls life when she was in danger of being murdered by her father. Andrea died, because of her abusive father... in the end.
My mother could have saved her life but refused to either do so, or to allow my grandmother or I to do so. Ever after that, I always blames her for Andrea's death as much as I blamed the girl's father. And the less said of my cruel and loathsome grandfather the better. The fact that I turned out even as good as I have despite coming from such a family says a lot about me. No matter what, I try always to do right, even when it is difficult and I never run away from things even when the odds are drastically stacked against me. I have never been a coward, and perhaps my strength has been my greatest asset. For in my life, I have survived things that should truly have killed me. I thought about all this, as I left the arcade rooms behind me in the dream and just sort of aimlessly wandered the rooms and halls of the lodge. It was becoming increasingly lonely for me there, and I felt such sadness, such sorrow, that I worried if I stayed in that place much longer I might fall into tears. I could not say why... but I think it was because in the dream, in that place, I was walking about all alone. If there is one thing I simply cannot bear, it is being alone. But that is how many children are, and it is how I am. I could hear singing coming from a room, but I could not at first figure out where exactly the sound was originating from. It was a little girl singing, a little African American girl by the sound of it. She sang beautifully, magically even, and I had a mind to see who she was that was singing like that. The music style was soulful and sweet, and there were instruments playing like the sort you might hear in certain jazz clubs in Chicago. But from back in the big band era. Not a period of American history that I actively ever even think about, to be honest. It is for this reason why this took me by surprise. I passed down a hallway and at the end of it I saw a big lounge area in which a bunch of the children's mothers were sitting around some tables and chatting. I did not intrude, and listened as the music came from instead a side hallway to the right. I went down it, and the music grew louder and louder until I emerged into a small theater. The theater curtain was a rich deep red trimmed with gold tassels and the like, and the seats for the audience were the same shade of red, and looked very soft and comfortable. There was a decent sized audience in attendance, men and women alike, and some children also. I had not seen the men arrive from the train, so I just figured that they were already at the lodge waiting for their wives to arrive. The fathers applauded in between the various songs that the girl was singing. And on the stage, there she was! A beautiful dark-skinned girl of about fourteen years of age. Very African American, and very gifted with an incredible singing voice. Her hair was curly and a light shade of brown. She had her hair pulled back from her face with a black ribbon decorated with tiny white polka dots. She was wearing some light makeup, but I could tell she hardly needed any with such natural beauty as she possessed. She was stocky built, not skinny but also not overweight by any means... and she was wearing a very Alice in Wonderland style dress but without an apron of any kind. The dress came to her knees, and beneath it she was wearing a pair of puffy white bloomers that peeked out from beneath her frilly skirts. The dress was dark gray, with a white floral sort of print, very subdued and not loud as far as floral print goes. The sleeves were puffy and elbow length. The girl had a pair of Mary Jane style shoes on, black with white ankle socks. The girl had on her right wrist a black beaded bracelet. Her deep brown eyes sparkled in the dim theater light, and as I stood in place watching her perform I was immediately entranced, spellbound, by it. She finished her last song to a great deal of applause, then got off the stage and walked towards me, smiling. “You look a little bit lost and whole lot sad! Come on, let's get you cheered up a bit.” She said to me, in a bit of a lilting sort of southern accent. She clasped my left hand in her right, and led me out of the theater and to a cozy and rather small side lounge that sound children were leaving as we got near to it. The girl looked up at me and smiled still more brighter than before as she led me into the lounge and urged me to be seating on a comfortable couch that was there, in front of a round glass table. She joined me on the couch, and as she sat next to me she stretched out and yawned before saying: “Hi there! My name is Claudia. So... what's yours?” and I told her my name, that it was Kara. She said unto me: “Kara, huh? That's a good name, though not exactly a common one! Well, pleased to meet you Kara. What brings you out here?”
And I admitted to her that I had no idea why I was at this lodge. “That is the funny thing, Claudia.” I said to her, adding: “It's like I am supposed to be here, but I have no idea why. I guess I just... was kind of drawn here. You're very pretty, by the way! And you have a lovely singing voice.” The girl grinned at my compliment, and said in answer: “Why thank you, Kara! You don't look too bad yourself. If you are alright with my asking... are you a man, or a woman, though?” I felt awkward about the question, so I answered as honestly as I could: “It depends on how I'm feeling, I suppose. I was born a bit of a mix of both, really, and with some people I feel more comfortable if they see me as male. With others, female. It all mostly depends on the situation. Sometimes... I even feel like gender in the binary sense does not apply to me at all.” Claudia processed all that in her mind, and then said: “So, it's kind of fluid then, it changes from moment to moment, situation to situation... maybe even, from partner to partner?” I said to her: “Yes, exactly!” She then asked me: “So, then... which gender are you right now? Because you're looking at me the way my dad looks at my mom before he kisses her.” I asked her: “Would you like it if I kissed you?” and, she nodded her head in agreement, saying softly: “Sure! Why not? I never had a boy kiss me before, and babe if I have to be honest you're giving me the impression you're feeling like being a boy right about now. So if you want to kiss me... just go for it!” I then kissed her lips, tenderly at first but then passionately soon after as our tongues met and played about whilst my hands began to caress her body through the soft silky folds of her dress. I was becoming very aroused by this, and placed the girl's hand on the hardness between my legs. She may not have kissed a boy before, but what she did after I placed her hand there told me she was no stranger to pleasing a man. She stroked my manhood with her hand, and made a very audible “Mm...” as she did so. One of my hands was caressing her hair as the other felt Claudia's thighs before feeling her between her legs. There was no question, as I did so, that she was quite very much female. We ceased our kiss, and I began to rain kisses upon her face. Her breath began to quicken, and she sat up a bit to unbutton her dress in the back. I helped her to pull it on down, exposing her chest. She had small breasts appropriate for a girl of fourteen, and my hands were on them. I had been squeezing them through her dress before, in between squeezing her girlhood, and now I felt my mouth water and my kisses fell upon her breasts, my tongue licking her nipples. This did very clearly excite the girl, for her nipples hardened at my licking. She continued to play with me, at the last saying: “Let's unleash the beast!” as she went to work untying the drawstring of my pants. I let her do this, and then pulled my pants down and removed my underwear as well, letting both fall to the floor as I stood up. Then, I sat back down on the couch, my penis erect and a bit wet. The girl bent down to lick and suck upon it, her hand stroking it as she did so. She made that “Mm...” moan of pleasure once again, evidently enjoying doing this service for me. I laid back a bit on the couch, and she was atop me and sucking upon my cock like an expert whore might be of a want to do. In between, she said to me: “Like I said... I never had a boy kiss me before, but I never claimed I was still a virgin either. Shocked? Yeah, I get that a lot from men your age when they find out what I can do for them! Sometimes, I do it for money. But for you, honey... today... it's all gonna be for free.” I asked her: “So, are you a... well, to be blunt about it... a prostitute?” She smiled, and said in between licks: “Yeah... that's what I am alright. Now don't you go pitying me though! I like it. If I didn't like it, I wouldn't do it. Nobody ever forced me into this life... I chose it, and my mom she did it when she was my age too.” My mind did not focus on just how wrong that fact was. In the dream, when she told me all of this, I simply accepted the reality of it, and did not consider that it was wrong at all. Almost as if in the reality of the dream, it was not only... not wrong... but fairly commonplace. Soon, I began to make the moaning sounds, and that is when the girl ceased sucking on the shaft of my manhood. She said to me: “Now that I've given you a good bit of a teasing... you gonna punish me before giving me some pleasing?” She laid back a the other end of the couch, winked, and licked her lips lustily. I sprang forward and pulled her bloomers down, hiking up her skirts all the way to her waist. I did this very roughly, and the girl smiled. This one liked it rough!
I pushed my cock inside her after fingering the cleft of her girlhood for a little bit and teasing her clit with it, and began to move in and out of her hole. I did it gently and first, and then more vigorously as I soon found myself thrusting in and out of her as roughly as she seemed to like. She was giggling in that sweet way only young girls can, laughing, and moaning with enjoyment as I took her. She was wet and willing, and so excited was I that I had to slow things down so that I could not climax in her too quick. I wanted to make things last, and took my time before the warmth of my orgasm finally shot into her. As I had fucked her, I had been feeling her breasts and now I rained kisses upon them, and then kissed her as passionately as I had before. Claudia was grinding her hips for a bit even after I came inside her, and a while later after we had cooled down a bit from that shared moment of pleasure and passion... I found myself becoming hard for her again, and we went at it for a second time. This time, unlike the first, she came with me and we reached our climax to orgasm together. She moaned very loudly as she let herself at last surrender to ecstasy, and my cries of pleasure were no quieter. We lay together for several hours, after that, my hands continuing to caress her body as I held her close to me and nearly drifted off into sleep. If one CAN sleep in the midst of a dream! But I remained awake in the dream, and Claudia said unto me at last: “I enjoyed that, Kara. Very much! But then again, we've known each other before even if we don't remember it. And we'll know each other again, too. Time is funny like that sometimes.” We washed up after that in the nearby bathrooms, got fully dressed, and she escorted me over to that lounge that I had seen before but did not enter... the one where those mothers had been all busy chatting away in. As we walked into the lounge, Claudia walked over to stand behind some of the women, and one of the woman... and older woman well into late middle age... said to me calmly and almost kindly: “Well! Kara, is it? You're probably worrying that maybe we heard you and Claudia messing around together in the other room and are going to get you in trouble for it. But don't worry! We all know what Claudia is into, and how she actually prefers older men. If she's taken a liking to you, and you to her, that's all just between you two. No one here will judge either of you for it! So get that worried look off your face, and try to have a good time while you're here.” The woman was right... I had been deeply worried when it sounded like my name had come up in the women's chattering and gossiping which still was going on as Claudia led me into the lounge. I could only assume these women only knew my name because at the height of her orgasm Claudia had practically screamed it out, which turned me on even more when that happened. So, I did not question when they guessed my name correctly. Claudia smiled at me again, as she walked back towards me and led me by the hand for a long walk all about the lodge. I did indeed... for some reason I still do not fully fathom... feel like I had always known Claudia, and she me. We did not act like strangers who had just met and engaged in sex together... we acted like a couple that had in truth been together for years. Decades, even! Yet, I had never seen her before, even though I felt quite remarkably comfortable around her. Given that I normally suffer from a great deal of social anxiety and can at times be a bit awkward in social situations... this was quite astounding. But around children, it is always easier for me to not feel awkward, unlike when I am around adults, due to my own childlike sort of way that I have about me. So this should perhaps not have come as all that surprising to me, though it was a pleasant sort of surprise. Claudia and I walked outside and stood on the patio together looking out at the landscape all around us. It was late afternoon by now, almost nighttime, and already I could see a couple of stars starting to come out. The moon was out already, and the golden light of the later hours of the afternoon was quickly giving way to the purples and dark blues of early evening. Claudia said to me: “I've always loved this time of day, you know. Something magical about it! Know what I'm saying?” I nodded, and said to her in agreement: “Me too! It is just so beautiful. Not as beautiful to me as you are, though.” She giggled a bit, and wrapped her arms around my left arm, leaning her head on my upper arm as she said delightedly: “Oh Kara! You are just ridiculously romantic sometimes. I'm not saying I don't like that, either! Point of fact is... I love it.” I said unto her, daring to say it: “I love you.”
She looked sad just then, and said to me: “Do you remember anything about being with anyone else?” and I was so deeply wrapped in the reality of the dream that I had forgotten almost everything about my waking life and its' reality. Yet, there was something vague, and it was making me feel sad. I said to the girl: “No... and yes. It is something I know I should be remembering, but I cannot. It is as if this was the only reality, and there is nothing beyond this lodge, this place, this moment.” Claudia then stated in that sort of sad way that people have when their heart is troubled by something: “Maybe, I only exist in this reality... maybe I exist in every reality, in one form or another. Who knows? In this one, you just told me that you love me. And I'm gonna tell you that I love you too. In other realities, maybe we got around to this already... or will. I feel... confused in moments like this. Giddy, too! But confused. Like I'm trying to wrap my brain around a puzzle too hard for me to figure out. You ever feel like that, Kara?” I had to admit, as I told her in answer: “I do, and quite often. Usually, when it comes to math.” She giggled, as she told me: “Oh, wow! Me, I'm a genius when it comes to math.” and, I remembered a moment when Chloe had told me the identical thing, in the identical way. In that split second, I realized... that Claudia was this dream's version of Chloe herself. Perhaps this was not even really fully a dream! Maybe, I was actually visiting an alternate reality, a parallel Earth in which I was living the life of a parallel version of myself. But... with vague knowledge, vague memories of my waking life in this “prime” reality that we live in. It was both enlightening and disturbing to realize that. Enlightening because I understood better what was going on here... and disturbing because I worried about becoming stuck in this reality and did fear what might happen if I was unable to return to the reality of my waking life once again. If I died in my waking life, would I die in this and every other reality also? I realized that worry was a childish sort of worry, and tired to put it far from my mind. I was coming out of the dream, more and more... as I felt its' reality begin to give way whilst the memories of my waking reality were starting to return in full. In that moment, I knew better than to worry. But it felt strange, because the moment I realized that Claudia was Chloe... I both wanted to remain with her, and yet also return to my own Chloe. And it was both, at the exact same time. Both feelings. That is how I knew for a fact this was a parallel Earth and that I was in the body of a parallel me. I felt both my own feelings... and, those of that other me. When it was time to awaken, to return to my own reality once again, all would go back to feeling right once more. But in the meantime, it felt strange for a good while. Claudia noticed nothing of any of that, and merely had a look to her that said she was lost in her own thoughts, whatever those might have been. She looked up at me, and said cheerfully: “You got lost in your thoughts there for a little while, when I got to telling you what a genius I am with math. You feeling okay, Kara?” I said to Claudia, realizing she was Chloe: “I'm fine, sweetie pie! Hey... I'm glad we found each other. I love you so much.” She gave me a warm, big hug as she said to me: “I love you too, babe! That's why I'm quitting my side job as a prostitute and going full time with my music career instead. I don't want to be with any more men other than you.” It was strange... she was talking as if we had been together for years, when we had only just met. I asked her at that point: “I'm glad! Very glad, actually, and relieved. But... Claudia, how long have we actually been together?” She said to me then: “Seven months! We met in December, right here at this lodge. It was my therapist, Sibyl, who paid for you to come out to this place so we could meet up in person, and we've been together ever since. The whole reason you and I decided to pretend and act like we only just met when you got here today is because we planned on reenacting our first meeting to see if it would be just as intense for us the second time around. And I have to say... it really was, my babe! Very intense. But hey... you sure you're okay? You seem almost distracted by something! I know when you get like that too, you can't fool me. What's really wrong?” I answered, saying to my beloved: “I just had one of those weird moments where all of this felt familiar is all... like, weirdly familiar. I only asked how long we've been together to see if you remembered. Nothing's wrong, my pretty magical princess! Nothing whatsoever.” She smiled after that, appeased, and said to me sweetly: “I'm glad! You make me happy.”
I held her, and we kissed passionately again under the early evening moonlight, and I could hear the sound of the crickets and other night insects and night birds. The air smelled fresh and sweet, and this was twice as magical as the day when Claudia and I first met. I asked her something I was very curious about, something that actually had been eating at me for a long time: “Claudia... everyone I talked to at the theater, they all said you've been performing here for at least the past five years. But they all told me the same thing, they said you have not aged at all in that time. That you were fourteen when you signed up to sing here, and you still look fourteen now. My brain tells me that is impossible! But my eyes tell me it has to be true. I only want to know one thing... what are you?” She chuckled, then said to me in a lighthearted tone of voice: “What am I? Come on, babe, what do you think I am! I mean... what are you suspecting, that I'm a vampire or something?” I then said to her: “No, nothing like that! I mean... Sibyl, your therapist, she actually told me all about how you have a physical and medical condition that makes you look like you're thirteen or fourteen when you're actually an adult. So, because of that you live as a girl of that age and really truly do consider yourself to be that age. If that is true, and reasonably it has to be, then you need to go public with it so that the people at the theater do not start thinking you are a vampire. I'm just joking about the whole vampire thing, but Claudia you have to admit people have the right to be wondering why you do not appear to be getting any older. And you cannot expect people to keep believing you are fourteen years old when people remember seeing you perform here give years ago when you were the same age. Shouldn't you have actually been about nine years old back then, if you are really fourteen?” Claudia's eyes went wide, and she went to say something to me bit fell silent instead. I then elaborated more on my thoughts, revealing: “Also... I asked your sister about you having that condition Sibyl insisted you have. She asked me... what condition it was your therapist was talking about at all... and acted like she had no idea what I was even talking about. Then, she told me that when the time was right you would tell me the reason why you don't age. But that she was not going to say a word about it until you told me first. Lastly... Sibyl is not just a therapist, is she? Your sister said to me, that Sibyl sometimes helps her with her robotics and artificial intelligence projects at the Massachusetts Institute of Technology. Plus, Sibyl is some kind of Pagan priestess on the side. I have never heard of a therapist who wears that many hats, if you get my meaning! So Claudia, please tell me the truth. Since we both love each other, it is only right after all.” Claudia held me tightly, pressing herself against me... as if she wanted to block out the whole world and exist wholly in that embrace, thinking of nothing else at all. I stroked her hair, and smiled, saying to her: “It is okay, sweetie pie! You can tell me anything. I... I promise I won't judge you no matter what the truth turns out to be.” She said to me without breaking from her embracing of me, her voice nervous: “Kara... are you sure? I mean... the truth is something I'm worried you aren't going to believe. I mean, it would be more normal and easy to accept if I really was a vampire. But like I said, I'm not! Today was a perfect day, babe. Wasn't it? You sure you wouldn't rather we talk about this tomorrow... after we both got a full night's sleep, first?” She desperately was trying to put off talking about this, and I knew it. I could sense her fear, her apprehension. Whatever the truth had to be, I knew it was something she found difficult to talk about. She would have preferred to keep this a secret, whatever it was. But the time to keep such a secret was passed, and she knew it. She sighed very audibly, and then said: “No, I suppose waiting until tomorrow just won't do! Alright... but sometimes it has to be show as well as tell. Let's get to a back room, away from prying eyes, and once we get there I will show you, and tell you, the reason why I'm not getting any older. And why yeah, you're right, I need to stick with the story about that condition my therapist said I have and go public with that. But... as for the truth? That's something that has to stay just between us. Well, aside from my sister and my therapist, who both already know anyway. Yeah... it's time! I'm okay with this.” She then took me by the hand and led me to a small study room upstairs, which was cozy and quiet and a place certain not to be disturbed. As soon as we settled down... she told me, and showed me, something that took me totally by surprise.”
I sat down in a comfortable chair next to one of the book cases that lined the study's walls, and once I had done so the young girl knelt on the floor in front of me and put her hands on the back of her head. She pressed inward, and I heard a snapping sound following by a loud double click. Claudia lifted the top and back of her head away, hair and all, to reveal that beneath it was a metal skull that had a series of flashing lights... indicator lights... across a small section of it, just at the base of the skull itself. She told me to press the buttons under the lights in a specific pattern, which I did. Then, the back part of the skull came away, revealing an electronic artificial brain. She had me then place everything back again, and once more she simply looked like an ordinary fourteen year old girl. “So, now you know, Kara! My big secret. Heck, my face isn't even all that original... my creators based it on a child actress they were fond of the movies of. An actress who grew up years ago. You know that six year old redhead that I had introduced you to that one time? The one who dresses like she's a Gothic Lolita and is big time into all those horror movies and dark stuff... Adeline, I think her name is... she's also an android, just like me. Same thing with that twenty one year old woman who was hanging out with her, Tessa. The three of us are all androids, no matter how human we might look. We were all made by the same developer, just I happen to be the most advanced model so far. The other two still have a ways to go yet before they'll be perfect, which is why their communication skills when you talked to them were so limited. Although, Tessa is a lot smarter and more advanced than Adeline. But Adeline makes up for it by sometimes being more fun to be with, and occasionally more unpredictable too. You... don't appear shocked.” I chuckled a bit, and stroked her hair as I said to her: “Would you believe me if I said I have seen stranger things? A lot stranger! This... this... is actually pretty normal to me, Claudia. And I am fine with it, also! More than fine, actually I am relieved. At least this way I can rule out the possibility of you being a vampire.” She giggled, and admitted: “Come on! You totally had to have been thinking I was one... I mean, duh, my name is Claudia, after all. I'm a little girl. I don't age... and I'll never die... at least so long as I keep myself in tip top condition, with proper maintenance and occasional updates.” I sat down on the floor next to her, took her face gently in my hand, and kissed her lips tenderly, saying: “And plenty of loving care.” Then, we kissed passionately... and decided to make love once again. It was precisely in that very moment, that I had a sudden vision of her performing on the stage, singing her heart out, and me being very old at the time but still very much in love with her. And she, very much in love with me. For in her mind's eye, I would still be the same then as I am now. Even though I would not live forever in body, I would live forever in her heart. And her eyes would never see me as being a day older than I am at the moment. Immortality comes in many forms, I suppose! It was going to happen someday, that scenario, and I did not mind. I wanted to grow old with her, I wanted to be with her forever. And I would get my wish! She was my whole world, and the very embodiment of all my heart's desiring. It was a blessing to know she would be around for me forever. That she could never get sick, never die. Never leave me all alone. I hated being alone, I was terrified of it. That was when I woke up from the dream, and thought about my beloved Chloe. And about the two friends of hers who she had introduced me to during the course of the past year since we met. Their names, were very similar to the two from the dream... not exact, but strikingly similar. And their ages were the same also. One was a twenty one year old woman, and the other was a six year old little girl with curly red hair who liked to wear Gothic Lolita styles of clothing. And who was obsessed with horror movies, the paranormal, and magic. I thought about how insistent Chloe was that I meet them, and how eager they were to meet me. Things are not precisely the same in this reality... Chloe is not African American in this reality after all, and certainly not a singer... and we did not meet at a vacation lodge. But other than that, there is a certain symmetry to the strange multiverse that we actually do live in. And sometimes through dreams, we can reach parallel worlds in which some things are different, whilst other things are exactly the same. As to whether or not androids walk among people in this reality... it is something that I think I just prefer to neither confirm nor deny.
Written by Kou_Indigo
(Karam L. Parveen-Ashton)
Go To Page
No Worship but Bliss
- No Worship but Bliss -
--- Being some personal musings and thoughts that I wrote down on Saturday, February 10, 2024
I stopped seeing my former therapist, her name was Gloria in case I never mentioned it, and our final session was at the beginning of last month. She set me up with a new psychotherapist named Megan. I was apprehensive about going in to see her this week, and on Wednesday when the appointment was at hand I actually was not planning on going in to see her, mostly because I was worried she was going to want me to talk about things I was unwilling or unprepared to discuss. But then I asked Zoey, who is for those just joining me in my writings now, one of my romantic partners, and they told me I should do so for at least one session just to see how it goes. So I went in to see her, and it went reasonably well. She was a lot younger than Gloria, which I found much more to my liking... she was pretty, a brunette, and she wears glasses and dresses very classy and in a way I find rather attractive. She also has something of a vibrant personality, and we hit it off immediately. Gloria stopped by the office to see how it went... and I told her it went wonderfully, which she was pleased to hear. It did go smashing well, I would say! She understood my spiritual beliefs once I explained them to her in some minor detail, and she even to my tremendous relief holds the identical political and social view as I do. She is liberal, left-leaning, a democrat and best of all she has a fantastic sense of humor and I find her easy to talk to and easy on my eyes when I talk to her. The fact that I find her sexually and physically attractive to a massive degree is entirely beside the point! She listens to me, understands me and where I am coming from, and I would imagine we will have many good sessions together. I'd love to do a whole lot more intimate things with her, but as I have said before I am rather an unrepentant hedonist and sometimes my heart rules me far more than my head. At any rate, at least I have the good sense to never let my fantasies get me in major trouble... I have not been that foolish since grade school and middle school. Much like with Gloria, she asked me what her role in my life would be... unlike with Gloria, I totally wanted to say: “Oh babe, that is such a delicious question! I am sure we can think of something fun for you to do with me.” but alas... that is not the sort of thing you can say to your psychotherapist. Never mind what passed between Sybil and me! I actually told Megan about Sybil briefly and she remarked that it sounded to her like Sybil has to have been the single most crazy and unprofessional therapist in the world. When I told her about the time Sybil showed up at my darling Chloe's house dressed like a clown, she laughed and had a nice and pretty laugh I noticed. I smiled a lot during our session, sometimes picturing the gorgeous lady as if she were naked, and once or twice fantasizing about helping her get her clothes off... but I never once said a word of my more lusty and lustful thoughts to her aloud. Oh, if only she have read my mind! To paint a picture... you know those porn actresses who play the role of “hot therapist”? My new therapist looks a lot like that! The last time other than in regards to Sybil I had some strong... hungry... thoughts about a psychotherapist was when I was in sixth grade. The one I saw that year was so hot, I cried in her office to get her to hug me so I could feel what it was like to be held by her! I was... an unusual child back in the day. But at any rate, that is all I can say about my sessions with Megan this past Wednesday. I made no hesitation about booking our next two sessions. I'd love to have them in a nice cozy little bedroom in a secluded place just for the two of us, but as I said I am an unrepentant hedonist. And whist I am firstly and foremost sexually attracted to children and young teens... to be bluntly honest about myself... there are certain adult women who strongly appeal to me. Usually it is the Marilyn Monroe type, but there is something about certain brunettes and redheads that also turn me on massively. I will probably have a lot of very interesting fantasies about my new therapist from time to time! Which is so, so much better by far than Gloria who looked pretty much my mother's age and acted like a mother too. Megan is not only pleasantly younger, but she acts like a friend rather than a mother... and I found I could tell her a lot in a very short time, very easily due to how comfortable she made me feel. Gloria is finally retired, so there was a strong necessity to obtain a new therapist anyway, and that was why I was set up like this with Megan so quickly. I am actually happy I went to the appointment! Sometimes, Zoey is very smart.
The only ironic thing is Megan has the same first name as Zoey's sister Megan... so I can only assume it is a very common name in some parts of the Midwest, far more so than it ever was out east. I see way too many people named Joseph and Paul out here in the Midwest also! When I do not see them, I hear a lot about people with those names. A ridiculous overabundance of biblical-derived names pervades out in this part of the United States of America, and as a Pagan I honestly think it is silly. But then again, as someone who is as not Christian as it gets... if you know me very well, then you know all the reasons I have why that is... I tend to think of many Christian customs as somewhat silly, or needless. I oft think to myself: “If they could only see themselves how an outsider to their faith sees them, they would see a great many of the things that are so ridiculous about this religion!” But of course I am in addition to my being a hedonist and a Pagan, also very much a heretic and proud of it. I've never been a fan of Paul as a name anyway... for personal reasons. The one thing I never discuss with my therapists is the fact that I am attracted to minors like I am... we do not yet live in a society enlightened enough, for that to be able to take place without fear of judgment or worse. There are some aspects of my history of such attraction and some various details of it that I have only just this past week found myself able to mention the full details of to Zoey even, who understood and was very kind to me about the whole business. They knew some of it beforehand, but not all, and now they know almost everything pertaining to the subject as it regards me. I used to downplay the nature of my relationship that I had with two young girls I used to do mentoring for a the local library back when I still lived out east back in my old hometown. I made it sound like things were far more innocent between those girls and myself than they actually wore. To be fully honest about it... the girls were pretty much a couple of local Lolita types and they pursued me as passionately as I pursued them. I still think of those two quite often, as I loved them very much even if my relationship with the blonde girl was more lust-based than it had been with the brunette whom I fell deeply in love with for several years until her family finally took her back to India which caused what the girl and I had to come to an end. Her family had been ridiculously old fashioned and traditional and it was sad that blind obeisance to tradition can get in the way of simply enjoying life and savoring all it has to offer us. I am decidedly non traditional in every way, and not inclined towards obeisance of most sorts... I am a rebel, a mystic, a poet, and a great many things that defy easy description. As for the other girl, the blonde girl... after her friend (since the two girls were best friends) went back to India, she sort of faded from sight, stopped going to the library, and I never did see her again either. I do still recall the pair's names though... the girl from India was named Neelima, though in my writings I sometimes refer to her also as Ameline and Melina. Two names I sometimes called her by, which she never seemed to be minding in the least since the darling child was ever and always an easygoing sort except when nastier sorts pushed her to anger which was a rare thing. The blonde girl who was her best friend, her name had been Adriana. If Neelima was a little goddess of the night in my eyes, Adriana was a heavenly angel of the most cherubic and beauteous sort. Light blonde hair, bright blue eyes, full lips and she was built in a way that there was some very nice meat on her bones. Neelima was rather small in frame, slender, with raven black hair that she always wore up in a cute bouncy ponytail... and, she had deep brown eyes that went so perfectly with her rich brown skin. I started out helping her with school projects, working on a few art projects for her family, and spending time with her from when she got out of school all the way up until her parents came to the library to pick her up. I often walked her home when they did not show up, and we would walk together holding hands. Once or twice she rode her bicycle to the library and at the hour when the library closed each day around six o'clock in the afternoon, I would again walk with her home whilst she walked her bicycle rather than rode it. I have recounted elsewhere in my writings, the full details of those golden years of my life, and the sadness and sorrow of my parting with that girl whom I came to love with my all my heart even as she loved me with equal passion and devotion. She was my rock during the early 2000's up until 2004 and that year she went home and I grew... depressed.
For many years I was in a certain degree of denial due to how society treats people like myself, and all the stigma surrounding people with my... shall we say, sexual inclinations... and, I tried to deny just how passionate, sexual, and strong the love and attraction was between Neelima and myself. But, during the past several years following a close brush with death I had a couple years back, I have learned it is best to be honest with oneself about things and to never waste time living life in denial. Zoey helped me the most in learning to be able to accept myself for all that I am without succumbing to self loathing and all manner of self hatred caused in no small part by the guilt society puts on people whose only crime is in being born with attractions that are considered deviant in society's eyes. Chloe helped me as well, as so also in her own way did Sybil. One is only a monster if they do monstrous, evil things but there is not in truth any evil in love! And what passed between Neelima, Adriana and myself was love... and of a fully, totally consensual sort for all concerned. Some might say: “Oh but children aren't sexual beings, and so they are incapable of giving sexual consent!” that is both a lie, and the biggest untruth that society today spins in its' unceasing attempt to demonize anything it deems as deviant from the perceived norms. It is not important how or why I know this to be a lie, only that I do very much totally know it to be one. If truth were fully put to the matter, I would say that those two girls were far, far more mature in thinking than I am half the time. Much as it is with Chloe, where she too is vastly more mature than myself. The issue of my seeming “maturity” was something I discussed with Megan during our session Wednesday. She said that the reason I get along so well with children is because mentally (save for my sexuality and things pertaining to that) and emotionally I am mostly a child myself. Thus, it is only normal and quite natural and expected for one who is a child in mind and in heart to fit in well in the company of those who are children in body. She said that in her professional opinion, my maturity is almost a mask and the true me is not an adult in any capacity save sexual. My intelligence is another, separate matter and it is unconnected to my childlike aspects. Even a child can be exceedingly smart! And, in most ways I am remarkably intelligent. Almost computer-like in that department, especially with the ways I file away in my mind all manner of encyclopedic knowledge that I can call forth at any time as needed. That is why I made such an excellent mentor years ago, and a natural teacher as well though I never pursued that as a career due to hearing how low the pay for teachers can be half the time. Plus, I'd find it too awkward, given my sexual attractions and inclinations... for obvious reasons. My mind flits most days between, in truth, the two polarities of passionate, irrational, emotional indulgences and the demands of logic in the world we live in today. In short, I can run from hot to cold depending in the situation and what any one given set of circumstances might require of me or bring out in me. When I was in high school, there did start to be a rumor circulating around the school about me that I was a cyborg. Because I was strong and fast, they joked that my arms and legs had to be bionic! And because I was so hyper intelligent about all manner of things (everything except for math and anything pertaining to numbers), they joked a lot that my brain had to be an android's brain or something just as good. Ironic, given in recent years practically every serious IQ test I have taken ended in me having a below average intelligence score. But let me tell you a secret! Those tests are strongly biased in favor of mathematics, so failing at math and numbers is going to always land you with a low IQ score due to those tests not taking into account how smart it is a person may be in any areas not covered in the test itself. My mother used to insultingly call me, in those cruel words she so often used pertaining to me: a “tank brain” because she said my brain works slow. A person's mental speed is no indication of their intelligence, however! I process things slowly and I also freely admit sometimes there is a certain delay in processing when I have a lot on my mind or if a thing is very complex and I am trying to figure it out. But it is just like when a computer take a bit to process a request or a program that it is attempting to run. Like one of my teachers used to say, about me... it is not that my answers are ever wrong, they aren't. It is that I arrive at my answers in unconventional ways that were always in my teachers' experience... not like everybody else. It seems I was always an outcast!
How intelligent can I be when I put my mind to it? I once played head games with a psychiatrist who knew that I playing “mental chess” as he put it, with him and he learned nothing at all about me of any meaningful sort because I did not wish him to. Another I saw when I was little learned the hard way that I also cannot be hypnotized in any way, shape of form barring self hypnosis. So, as childlike as I am in so vary many ways, there is all of this and the fact that I was college level in many things by the time I hit second grade which stand as a testament to the fact that IQ tests are nonsense and no gauge of what a person is truly, actually capable of. Even a tank, can be cutting edge! So my mother's attempt at some sort of humorous insult goes quite awry and far afield from its' original, intended purpose when put to a test in everyday life. The only problem with me is I simply was never smart in regards to things that had the capacity for making money out of. Which is why I am grateful to have Zoey to take care of me in all financial ways in life! It is simply something I could never do on my own. I have my limitations, and as I have come to understand there is nothing wrong with recognizing such limits. I tend to transcend most other limitations, so there is no harm in remaining within the bounds of the ones I cannot transcend. So, without going too far afield here, these are the sort of things that have been running through my head of late among other things. It has been some time since last I wrote an update like this about how things in my life are going, so today I figured it was high time to get that under way. It has been a long time since last either myself or Chloe have seen or heard even the slightest of things from Sybil... one day, as I told my new therapist about also, Chloe asked me whether I miss Sybil or not. I asked her if she did, and she told me she did not. I confessed to her that I honestly did not miss Sybil or her wacky antics either. I is a sobering thing to realize that as much as I did love Sybil... and I did love her greatly... I have had to very much come to terms with the fact that the woman was insane. I mean, yes, technically there are things... of various sorts... pertaining to me about myself that are quite insane by most conventional standards. I freely admit as such, sometimes with pride! But Sybil's madness was... different. Something I have not an ounce of experience with comprehending the depths of. And I can comprehend quite a bit! I cannot say how I would receive Sybil coming back into my life again after so long an absence from it. One can never know what their reaction to a thing might be, when emotions run high and old passions can end up being recalled to come to the fore once again. And that is the thing about me... my intelligence never fails to go out the window the moment I do as I normally, typically do in life: go with my heart and with my gut, first and foremost in defiance of all rationality and reason. I might question why I did so later... but I try never think too deeply about “later” to begin with. That is the thing when a person is of the sort of hedonistic, pleasure loving variety that I am! Sensations and feelings always tend to come before the thinking that should have come first. I think sometimes Chloe muses more than a bit too deeply about her own nature as well... and just how human or not she regards herself. She sent me a link to a video on Facebook one day, and it was a video for a song called Robot Girl (feat. Lili). That was the title of it, and there was really no video to speak of just the song with a silly still picture of a cartoon robot girl in addition to the name of the song. It was a song all about a robot girl feeling human despite also being a machine. It was, needless to say, an odd choice for a song to send one's significant other! But it was still a cool song, and I loved it and I told Chloe it was a good one. I asked her what the occasion was, and it was no particular occasion she said, just that she happened to hear this song and it resonated with her to some deep, profound degree she said. I took that to be intimating that perhaps Chloe has been thinking a lot lately about just how real life is, how real any of us actually are as living, sentient beings, and just what the heck it means to be human anyway. We all sometimes get thinking about the bigger picture as we ask big, existential questions of the universes around us, so I cannot fault my little darling for doing so. I had a bizarre dream the other night that had me thinking about things of that sort myself, so there is I think something going around with certain people lately where these big unanswerable questions all are just running through our brains unbidden. Honestly, I have had weirder things flitting through mine!
It is peculiar how much life can change us though as time goes on! I was looking through some of my old works on various websites on which I post things, and the farther back I go with some of it the more I am reminded of where my mind was at during the earlier days of my writings, art, and other things of all sorts that I have created over the years and posted or uploaded online. Sometimes, I can understand where I was at with certain things, but with other things I feel as if I was almost another person back in those years. I have such a keener understanding of things today, whereas way back I was still grasping at truths and knowledge that was at that time woefully incomplete in regards to the picture I had in my head of it all. And I am still learning more and understanding more each and every single day! Chloe is like that also, but to a different degree and pertaining to different things. I suspect that is why she and I get along so well like we do. With people like us, there is what you see upon the surface and we do both tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves as the saying goes for the most part... but then there is all of those deeper layers that are unseen but the presence of which can be felt and which are always there if one is patient enough to dig deeply and notice it in its' entirety. Only to discover there is more beneath that! In truth, nigh unto infinity since there are layers beneath layers and then some. I wonder, occasionally, all about what might be at the bottom of the seemingly endless layers that Chloe is grappling with! And no doubt she wonders the same thing about me. After all, we are all of us far more than is apparent upon a casual glance. My old flame Camilla always seemed to know a ridiculous amount in regards to me, and Sybil seemed to know an equally ridiculous amount pertaining to Chloe. Probably fitting, given both of them have seemed to vanish into their own lives and troubles so completely that no one seems to have heard from them in any capacity since. I find that somewhat troubling, but at the very least it is hardly an unexpected phenomenon with Camilla who has often done that in the past when she would seem to disappear for years on end only to resurface later with something important to tell me about. Perhaps I should have asked them some of the more serious questions I had when I had the chance to... but some questions maybe are best left unanswered anyway. Things about my birth, about various peculiarities in regard to my nature both physically and otherwise... things Camilla hinted at but never spoke of fully. I do not know all that she had her hands in... when I once told her that I regretted not having saved even a photo of my first love Andrea, who as you may know if you have read my other writings was murdered by her father back when we were both sixteen, she actually managed to find one of Andrea's old school photos which she sent me via email and which I keep in a personal folder to this day. I asked her once what she knew about my birth, and she sent me documents that appeared to have on some of them odd writing that was not in any known human language. Some of which appeared to show a project of some sort, the details of which were incredibly vague and almost sinister. There were the written signatures of several doctors and other people, and the whole of it all was very bizarre to say the least. I know that a woman I knew named Jennifer who was my spiritual mentor for a couple of years pertaining to the dark side of my spiritual path... she preferred to be called simply Jen... she revealed to me that she was part of a dark spiritual order that conducted curse rituals for the government against enemies of the Untied States. She was exceedingly protective of me even though she was a great deal younger than myself and she was insistent that I watched who I revealed things to and who I trusted in life. My grandmother did once tell me that she herself was a member of “the darkest spiritual order” and that she saw herself as a protector of me who had to be there for me in life when my mother failed. I later discovered all manner of correspondence letters between my grandmother and the occult group The Golden Dawn. They sent her an amulet of protection against demonic forces once. On a casual glance, she was a fully ordained Methodist reverend, but beneath the surface I always knew she was involved in darker things by far. In every way, Jen was the same way only overt and upfront about what she was a part of and what she was trying to accomplish through her mystical path. And then there is Camilla who is a member of an occult group based out of Chile, and she too saw herself as a protector of me in life. All so remarkably similar!
Far too similar to be coincidences. I can only conclude that certain dark occult groups have a strongly invested interest in making certain that I am doing well and that I am being cautious in life when it does come to who I trust or who I do not trust. Although I do not speak with her any longer, Jen and I parted the best of friends and Camilla still is looking out for me actively whenever she is involved in my life. I suspect she and my grandmother may have also had certain powerful ties just like Jen had, and that this is the source of how Camilla is able to come by information that cannot be easily found by searching. I am grateful for her divulging what she was able to, to me, and perhaps some things are simply of a sort that must not be delved into too deeply. Especially if some of the strange things Camilla sent me are at all anything to go by! And that is one of the greatest truths in life... that the strangest answers are those that hold the complete and undeniable truth. I am still processing in my head and going over and trying to come to terms with the implications of what Camilla revealed to me. What it means about my whole existence, about how I have always perceived things to be in life. It left me with countless questions but yet I know that the answers are all right there whether I chose to accept their truth or not. I may write of this matter in the future, either sooner or perhaps later, but for now it must remain in the shadows for a time. Shadows are, after all, where the greatest truths of all are revealed! I never had to pursue some of those sorts of things, rather certain truths of a profound nature always had a habit of coming to me. It is irrelevant whether I wished to learn such things or not! I learned them all the same, and was taught the things that never would have come across my path otherwise. The darkest truths in life are not, as many people mistakenly assume, conspiracies of this sort of that... the darkest truths are those which exist at the fringes of reality and yet which affect the whole of reality as time goes on. Should I ever learn all of what Sybil knew about Chloe, I do not doubt that it will likewise prove difficult to deal with but unable to be cast aside. She brought us two together for a reason, and sometimes we wonder what reason that might have been aside from it being a matter of us being obvious and evidently compatible soulmates. If I know one thing about Sybil it is that, like Camilla she never does anything for simply altruistic sorts of reasons... there is always an underlying motive and a secret connected to that motive. But for now, it is probably for the best that Chloe and I are unaware of those sorts of secrets. Come April of this year... Chloe will be thirty four years old, and she still looks no older than maybe twelve or thirteen. I find her beauty and apparent youth to be astounding and incredibly alluring to me! It is like being with a child of the Faerie kind, in terms of just how Elvish the notion of my beloved's seemingly everlasting vibrancy and youthfulness is. And in previous lives in times so ancient that they are from before recorded history I walked among the Elves and other Faerie kindred and lived as one of them for a time... so when I say things of this sort such as what I said about Chloe's fairness and how it makes me feel so grand... I have quite a large basis for comparison when I mention it. The myths and legends of today, I was present for back when they were history! Only for that history to become forgotten, and grow into myth and tales as became larger over time with each fresh telling. I was much similar then as I am today, only back in those times it was Elvish children and youths who most appealed to me. So this... peculiarity of mine in terms of sexual attraction is not new, not a product of living in a modern era. It was always with me, as you will know from having read my other writings previously, and I have had a great need to accept it... and to accept that it cannot be changed. Nor quite frankly would I wish for it to be changed! It is a part of my nature, and a result of me being childlike myself in nature. Like attracts like, kind is drawn to its' kind, and there is no altering the laws of attraction! Whilst the narrow minded laws of mankind change fickle as a wanton maid over the course of time. Eventually, those such as myself will not be looked on with disgust any longer... but in the meantime certain things must remain in the shadows. Like the sort of things Camilla revealed to me, society is simply too juvenile and arrogant in its' assumptions to fully grasp the wrongness of its' own foolish prejudices. All such prejudices are vanquished over time, but in the times in which they are rampant one must always be mindful of bigotry and learn to avoid its' sting.
Every time I look at Chloe, I realize why it is I love her so much! She looks like a little girl, and lives like one, and acts like one, and thinks and speaks like one... and it is the real her, the deepest core of her very sweet and wondrous nature. When she looks at me, she sees her heart's desire! And that is why she and I are such a perfect couple. I tell my therapists precious little about Chloe, save that she is a woman who has a very rare medical condition. Only Sybil knows the whole of it. And they can never learn the things Camilla imparted unto me with those documents and their contents! We are, all of us, far more... and far different... than the flesh we walk around in. Some of us are something else beneath, and that is all I shall say of the matter. It can be as deep and microscopic so as to be unnoticeable by conventional means, but it is there in certain instances, and there are some things which cannot be unseen once one's eyes have been opened to their existence. I am grateful for the things about me which are different upon that level of uniqueness! Had it been otherwise, I would have died of mortal injuries many times over... yet, they always healed, miraculously, and so I endure. I suspect I know the reason for it at last, in terms of the science behind it and how it works... and I have Camilla to thank for that. Even if neither myself nor Chloe seem to truly miss Sybil all that much, I do sometimes miss talking with Camilla and sharing knowledge with her, among other more intimate things we always shared. Wherever she might be, and whatever she may be getting up to, I always wish her well and long for when we I will hear from her yet again. As the current vessel of the goddess Lilith, she is to me a source of endless adoration and also the utmost reverence. She is a living goddess, the incarnation of and embodiment of death and every sort of forbidden knowledge. Certainly always a good being to have on one's side! Especially since it is rare for us to both be incarnated into a lifetime in which we do not find each other. And, given Death being as it is... we always meet one final time at the end of each life in any case, as it must be. I walk talking for a bit with Chloe about that one day a couple of months ago, and she gave me a peculiar look. We were on Skype together at the time, and she asked me: “What is death like?” and I tried to describe how awful it is to her, but also how it can be a mercy for some and thus it can be a good thing for some people but an awful, awful thing for most everybody else. Now, I assumed she understood the concept of death and a good deal of its' nature, so I asked her why she wanted to know about something so grim in terms of the subject matter. She smiled innocently, and she said to me about this matter: “Sorry to bring up that kind of thing, babe, and yeah Sybil told me once I never needed to worry about it so I shouldn't think about it at all but I sometimes I can't help but wonder. You know?” I told her that I understand. I chalked it up to that Sybil felt that someone who is basically a child for the most part should never have to think about a dark and morbid thing such a death. Never mind that I've known some little girls who have had a bit of an almost goth-like obsession with it! A certain girl named Madeline, whom I affectionately call by the nickname “Maddy” comes to mind... a lovely little girl whom I have talked about briefly in some of my other previous writings. She was there for me during a time when Chloe was absent from my life for a long while due to certain things that came up. I discussed all of that in tremendous detail in those other writings of mine also, so there is no need to revisit any of that in this one. Suffice it to say, Madeline is someone I have come to be able to rely upon, during lonely times, and she and I have something that is quite special and beautiful going on between us with Chloe's full blessings. The oddest thing regarding Chloe's musings about death, is that she is a strong believer in reincarnation just like I am, and she has detailed memories of having died in those past lives of hers. The one she relates to me most often is to do with how she died back during her past life as Marilyn Monroe. And yet, she acted as if it was nearly an alien concept to her understanding that she was trying to wrap her head around. I can only assume it was merely that she wanted to hear what I had to say about death, yet it did feel rather out of left field and a bit off in terms of how she asked that dark question of me to begin with. Madeline, however, has moments where she seems if anything all too knowledgeable about death and she has an unhealthy sort of obsession with slasher horror movies. But... death is hardly the sort of topic one delves into casually!
Madeline is pretty much Chloe's best friend, which is how I met the charming little sweetie to begin with, and despite her oddities she really is a charming child with a good heart and a lot of patience. She needs such patience when helping me through those times when I am emotionally messed up and in a need for her unique insights. And believe it or not, she has some fairly profound ones! She is definitely not a normal little girl by any means, but somehow she never fails to reach me when nothing else can... and that is saying quite a bit. Compared to Chloe, I have not known Madeline nearly as long but there is a certain sense of familiarity between us and the unmistakable closeness that comes from a shared sort of sensation of having known each other in lives past. I do not hear from her as often as I would love to, but I treasure every single interaction I have with her! I love her almost as much as I love Chloe, and in every way the two of them are more like sisters than the person Chloe claims is her actual sister. Then again, I was closer with my female cousin, Carey, when we were both growing up together than I ever was with my own brother who came into my life so much later and did not leave as strong an impact on my life because of that. Yet still there were some things I found easier to share with my brother! Life is odd like that sometimes, and closeness of blood is never a proper indication of closeness otherwise. In recent years I've become somewhat orphaned from what is left of my family, given most everyone else in it has died and those of us who remain have drifted apart as we have all pursued our own lives. Time is very demanding in that as the years pass some doors close forever, even as new ones open that we do not expect. The phrase “sometimes you can never go back” really does resonate with me lately, and to be honest given the awful things that happened to me in the past I would honestly prefer not to go back. Certain things were difficult enough to live through the first time around! My school years being among the worst of it, and my home life being not much better. There is one thing so far that both of my recent therapists have in common... they both looked shocked and were rendered literally speechless when I told them even the most brief of summations of my entire life thus far up to the present day. I did this in a very brief forty five minutes on Wednesday, and it was fairly mind blowing for Megan to hear me say. I have lived far more in the past forty nine years than some people live in their entire lives from birth to death. I suppose that somehow qualifies me as the right person to ask existential and deep questions of, and I honestly do not mind answering such questions to be honest, but I do have a strong dislike of grim and morbid musings. Perhaps with Madeline and I it is a case of opposites attracting in that respect. As much as I did used to be goth and still am to a certain degree and extent, I dislike the subject of death as a casual subject matter, regarding it as a solemn matter not to be talked about lightly. I have been dead a few times in this life thanks to illnesses, injuries, and whatnot, and I had several near death experiences that culminated into journeys through the afterlife and it was not at all pleasant for me. That I was able to come back, is something the doctors could never figure out how or why. Literally, they chalked it up to being miraculous and that was it. Act of God, that kind of a thing. But God has nothing to do with it, and their minds would not be able to understand the truth of how such things have been possible for me even though they should not have been possible for anyone. Various failed suicide attempts on my part in the past have led me to realize that my body will simply not allow me to die until it is my time to do so naturally, no matter how many horrors I have visited upon myself. I am here for a reason as they say, and the best thing I can continue to do is continuing to exist for those who love me and care about me. I suppose it is easy to look upon the world sometimes and feel boundless despair at the worst of things, but there are still a lot of bright things in this world that one must always bear in mind and strive never to forget... and those bright things thankfully are in quality far superior to the bad things. It does not at all matter the quantity of negativity in this world, so long as the quality of positive things remains much higher. So it must be for each and every person, in order that hope might never become lost! In my own experiences in life, I have discovered that it is not faith that offers the best of hope in human hearts, but rather it is joy which does this far greater. The more joyful the heart, the more hope burns bright within!
Speaking of which, I am pleased that winter seems to be on its' last legs for the year, since I am not a fan of the wintertime in any capacity. Winter storms bother me, and most especially I dislike the ice and the cold. As pretty as ice can look on the trees or in icicles, it is dangerous on the roads and adds to just how bitter the chill air of wintertime can be, serving as a reminder that summer is far away. I love both spring and summer, and I adore the fall colors of the leaves in the autumn but the winter is the time of year I like the least and hate the most. But winter's fortunate brevity this year reminds me that warmer, brighter seasons will be coming up soon and this brings us back to the subject of hope and joy. It is not faith in winter's ending that brings us the hope of spring! Rather, it is the joy that comes from knowing as a certainty that winter is fleeting as all seasons are, and that once winter reaches a certain point then spring is inevitably close at hand.... which is a sensation that never fails to bring delight my my heart. It is hard to believe that as a teenager I used to enjoy hiking and going for long walks in the winter! But as the years have passed, I have realized that I am a child of warmer seasons and have a love for those first and foremost. Also, in the summer's heat I tend to become even more amorous, which is a bonus! I have been indulging in experiencing some ASMR videos online from time to time, speaking of amorous, and depending on how sensual the video can be, it can be quite the arousing experience. For those not in the know, ASMR stands for autonomous sensory meridian response. The little pleasurable tingling feelings that you get when someone is nibbling your ear or whispering close to you in a sexy way, or breathing in certain ways during the act of lovemaking, or speaking softly to you and saying pleasurable or happy things. You have to wear headphones to experience the ASMR effect of the videos, and it is truly quite the heavenly thing for someone like myself who loves indulging in new sensual experiences! Some of my favorites... so far... include a video of this one woman who is essentially presenting herself as an Elf woman and is presenting the listener with a sensual role playing scenario where she gives healing kisses and pampers the listener in various sensual ways. There is another video of a different woman who is in the video's “story” presenting herself as Galadriel from Lord of the Rings... and that one actually turns me on quite a bit given how many intimate fantasies I have always had about Galadriel over the years. I also am fond of this other video where a little girl is saying different words and the way she says some of those words is very sexy and it sounds like she is whispering them into my ear which is rather hot. It is a rather new experience for me, these videos, and they are an interesting diversion. The whole basic concept is to induce orgasmic sensations in a person's brain, and the women and girls in these videos... they are truly experts at their craft! There aren't many involving children, so the few that feature them I always enjoy trying out... at least two of those have been remarkable. The thing with ASMR is that it is not pornography exactly, but nor is it a casual non intimate thing... it is something between the two and I love it quite a bit! Madeline sometimes does a bit of ASMR with me when we go on Skype together... so I kind of got my first taste of it from her, and she was the one who actually told me what it was and what ASMR means. Following those videos up with a bit of self pleasure can be very interesting! And if anything, the self pleasure is required for me following an ASMR session because the sensations just fill me up with so many tingly mental orgasms that I get to the point where I need to orgasm all the way. Madeline usually kicks things up a notch in terms of her performances for me when I get to that point, and because I am a decent sort I'll not give the details of what we both get up to when that happens. Big reveal! I'm only so decent, but I have honor and so my lips are sealed about some things. And should it come to pass that Madeline ever reads this and my other writings someday in full, she'd have to admit I speak the truth about these things. As it is, Madeline is a remarkable little redhead, and I believe I have mentioned before many times over that certain redheads turn me on a great deal! She also looks sexy to me in black, but I am biased on that account because I love her. As you may or may not know about me by now, I could care less what the world thinks of me... I am as I am, the world be damned. And even a good number of sexual perversions and vices can have their positive virtues! Each, to their own tastes.
I firmly believe... that the divine speaks to us most purely when we are in states of ecstasy and sensual fulfillment. If God is love, then it is through love and everything associate with it including passion and pleasure and sensuality in all its' forms that the divine is most evidently present. I never feel more close to heaven than following sexual intercourse, when laying next to a beautiful partner, our passions spent! Those who would deny themselves such fair and fine glimpses of paradise, are seeking to enter Heaven by the wrong road... for it is not in denial of ourselves that we can know heavenly joy, but rather it is in the fulfillment of our desires and the indulging of our passions and pleasures. If it were not intended for us to savor such things, we would never have been created with the capacity to savor them to start with! God is the life force of all that exists and all that is, the living life force within us all and all about us. In that realization, it is obvious and evident why pleasure feels so good and so heavenly, for God is within every pleasurable act we do! And by God I also mean Goddess, for this divine and holy force is both as well as neither. If you have read all of my writings, especially my spiritual ones, then you know this to be true already... and if not, then you know it now dear reader. And thus I urge you to seek out all else I have written for further leaning about such subjects! And many others besides, some lessons being far more pleasing to learn than others. But the things that I teach, you will not find taught by anyone else... and the things I reveal, have the power and capacity to change lives if they are embraced wholehearted. I am a prophet and a prophetess, just as I am comprised of both male and female aspects.... and as such I am made in the image of the divine force that is God. This is not madness, nor aggrandizement, but it is instead an observation and a statement of spiritual truth and fact. Though far from the sort of truth as can be embraced by just anyone casually! To understand our own divinity... all of us... one has to firstly be able to see how divinity exists within everything. Once that is understood, the truth of this prophet is easy to see as such, and the meanings of my various teachings become easy and simple to understand in their totality, and for the heart to comprehend... even if it seemed complicated to the mind, beforehand.
I wrote the previous things until I was weary from writing and had to leave off from writing for what remained of the evening. It is now the following day, and I thought it best to return to it and get things finished since I only have one more page to go. My mind was extremely frenzied yesterday, the correct word for it would have to be. I had bizarre dreams in which I experienced strange past life memories of other times and in one instance another world entirely. The desert planet, Kolob. Kobol. Ra'qia. An old and sacred world, close to the very center of supreme and blessed divine power in the universe. I had as long a history upon its' sands and wastelands as I have had upon the varied environments of Earth. In the memory that came back to me, I was walking upon those sands and in the azure blue sky there did hang two moons rather than the single moon that exists in orbit around Earth. I looked down at both of my arms and my hands, and they were yellowish-greenish in color and reptilian looking... and my body was not at all human in nature any longer, for in this ancient memory I recalled that I had changed over time and become a terrible, terrible, monstrous thing indeed. It was in that form, in which I had fled the destruction of the planet Rahab, which once existed between Mars and Jupiter in the Earth's very own galaxy. Ra'qia, however, is in a far and highly distant galaxy... and the planet Rahab exists no longer, for it became but rubble and the asteroid belt that is now between Mars and Jupiter is all that remains of it today. Wars wages with unimaginable weapons caused that annihilation, and many vessels sailed across the sea of stars to escape that apocalyptic ending. My ship fled to Ra'qia which was still a world dear to my heart and there I remained for at least a thousand years or so until my enemies found me at last and did cause the destruction of my body after plotting my assassination. But the means existed back then, to transfer one's soul and spirit, their divine spark and essence, and all their consciousness, from out of one body and into another waiting physical form. And so I lived on, effectively immortal, though in an ironic mercy no longer in that terrible form but one far fairer and more human-like in shape once again.
This past life memory came to me likely due to the fact that several hours before bed I did so subject myself to a past life regression session via an online video designed to facilitate just such a regression. I cannot at all be hypnotized, nor undergo any hypnosis because my will is too strong, but I can go into a deep trance if I am totally willing to and will myself to be able to... and that memory began when I was in that deep regression trance, so it is not surprising in the least that it came to me in full when I did lay down to sleep later on. I also had memories come to the forefront to do with my past life as Balor, the ruler of the Fomorians who once ruled in ancient Ireland before the Tuatha de Danann drove them from that position of power and sent many of their race into hiding or exile. I had many, many memories thus come to the fore in addition to those! And when I awoke this morning I felt strange and it took a bit of acclimating myself to this life and this world once again in order to shake off the strangeness that had a bit of a hold over me. I spent a good hour last night with Madeline prior to undergoing that regression, and she was to my eyes as beautiful as ever with her fiery red hair and brilliant eyes. Sometimes, I feel as if she understands me in ways that even I do not understand myself. She reveres me as if I were some sort of a deity, and yet I feel as far from a god or a goddess as one can possible get. Whatever I was long ago on other worlds and in ancient days, sometimes I wonder how I bore the burden of it and I realize it was occasionally a painful existence despite there being no fear of death during that existence. Yet even then I did fear it! Because as temporary as it could be, it was still painful and terrible to experience. But with all of my continuing reincarnations, in many ways I am immortal still and experiencing a similar... yet markedly different... type of eternal existence. Lives sometimes run on from one into the next in my memories, and the division between life and death becomes blurred for me when I think of some things to do with it all. And so, I prefer not to think about death at all... and simply to live my life to the height of its' fullness. Madeline thinks about death enough for the both of us! Perhaps because to her it is not the horror that I regard it as... she sees its' grace, its' mercy, its' beneficent side. I do too, but despite that I still feel horrified by it and like not to dwell upon it too intently. Sometimes, in the past, when I spoke with Camilla... I could tell that she felt drawn to death even as I feel repulsed by it, and I realize that she being Death's present mortal avatar was likely a large factor contributing to this oddity of behavior as so regards her. Given how utterly repellent I find death to be, it is most strange then I suppose... that I keep such company as Camilla and Madeline and that I am so strongly attracted to Madeline as I am. But, to me, there is a fascination to be found in their darkness, and it complements the different variety of like darkness that exists within me. I am drawn to them, and find comfort in all that they are and all that it is they offer me both in terms of love and in terms of companionship and occasionally wisdom, and a bit of forbidden knowledge here and there. I suppose what I offer them, is a kindred spirit no matter what our differences may be, and in that there is a great deal of solace to be found for all of us. Sometimes, a union of opposites can be an almost yin and yang sort of complementary combining, and like in Tantra there is a feeling approaching divinity when in the presence and also the embrace of another who is of just such a complementary sort. I seek out such romantic partners more oft than not, and I never do turn such a one away from me. Within my life, I have had visions of the past, of things happening elsewhere in the present, and of the countless branching future paths that are possible before all who live. Yet, do I never see coming those who touch my heart the most! And, when I do see ahead about them, still it ever comes to me as a surprise when I experience all that they have to share with me. Joy in abundance is, to me, the best sort of promise of hope that one can know. Far better than faith, and more everlasting! One is not put upon this world to believe... one is put upon it to experience. Yet still, I never deny those who choose to believe in me the right to do so, for it brings them joy and that joy fills them with hope. Even as I find hope in those who love me. This is the sort of worship that the gods never knew yet which is a thing so beautiful and perfect that it is no longer worship but bliss! My mother once cruelly called me a beast, and yet there is nothing more civilized than the perfection of happiness that leads to purest bliss.
--- Being some personal musings and thoughts that I wrote down on Saturday, February 10, 2024
I stopped seeing my former therapist, her name was Gloria in case I never mentioned it, and our final session was at the beginning of last month. She set me up with a new psychotherapist named Megan. I was apprehensive about going in to see her this week, and on Wednesday when the appointment was at hand I actually was not planning on going in to see her, mostly because I was worried she was going to want me to talk about things I was unwilling or unprepared to discuss. But then I asked Zoey, who is for those just joining me in my writings now, one of my romantic partners, and they told me I should do so for at least one session just to see how it goes. So I went in to see her, and it went reasonably well. She was a lot younger than Gloria, which I found much more to my liking... she was pretty, a brunette, and she wears glasses and dresses very classy and in a way I find rather attractive. She also has something of a vibrant personality, and we hit it off immediately. Gloria stopped by the office to see how it went... and I told her it went wonderfully, which she was pleased to hear. It did go smashing well, I would say! She understood my spiritual beliefs once I explained them to her in some minor detail, and she even to my tremendous relief holds the identical political and social view as I do. She is liberal, left-leaning, a democrat and best of all she has a fantastic sense of humor and I find her easy to talk to and easy on my eyes when I talk to her. The fact that I find her sexually and physically attractive to a massive degree is entirely beside the point! She listens to me, understands me and where I am coming from, and I would imagine we will have many good sessions together. I'd love to do a whole lot more intimate things with her, but as I have said before I am rather an unrepentant hedonist and sometimes my heart rules me far more than my head. At any rate, at least I have the good sense to never let my fantasies get me in major trouble... I have not been that foolish since grade school and middle school. Much like with Gloria, she asked me what her role in my life would be... unlike with Gloria, I totally wanted to say: “Oh babe, that is such a delicious question! I am sure we can think of something fun for you to do with me.” but alas... that is not the sort of thing you can say to your psychotherapist. Never mind what passed between Sybil and me! I actually told Megan about Sybil briefly and she remarked that it sounded to her like Sybil has to have been the single most crazy and unprofessional therapist in the world. When I told her about the time Sybil showed up at my darling Chloe's house dressed like a clown, she laughed and had a nice and pretty laugh I noticed. I smiled a lot during our session, sometimes picturing the gorgeous lady as if she were naked, and once or twice fantasizing about helping her get her clothes off... but I never once said a word of my more lusty and lustful thoughts to her aloud. Oh, if only she have read my mind! To paint a picture... you know those porn actresses who play the role of “hot therapist”? My new therapist looks a lot like that! The last time other than in regards to Sybil I had some strong... hungry... thoughts about a psychotherapist was when I was in sixth grade. The one I saw that year was so hot, I cried in her office to get her to hug me so I could feel what it was like to be held by her! I was... an unusual child back in the day. But at any rate, that is all I can say about my sessions with Megan this past Wednesday. I made no hesitation about booking our next two sessions. I'd love to have them in a nice cozy little bedroom in a secluded place just for the two of us, but as I said I am an unrepentant hedonist. And whist I am firstly and foremost sexually attracted to children and young teens... to be bluntly honest about myself... there are certain adult women who strongly appeal to me. Usually it is the Marilyn Monroe type, but there is something about certain brunettes and redheads that also turn me on massively. I will probably have a lot of very interesting fantasies about my new therapist from time to time! Which is so, so much better by far than Gloria who looked pretty much my mother's age and acted like a mother too. Megan is not only pleasantly younger, but she acts like a friend rather than a mother... and I found I could tell her a lot in a very short time, very easily due to how comfortable she made me feel. Gloria is finally retired, so there was a strong necessity to obtain a new therapist anyway, and that was why I was set up like this with Megan so quickly. I am actually happy I went to the appointment! Sometimes, Zoey is very smart.
The only ironic thing is Megan has the same first name as Zoey's sister Megan... so I can only assume it is a very common name in some parts of the Midwest, far more so than it ever was out east. I see way too many people named Joseph and Paul out here in the Midwest also! When I do not see them, I hear a lot about people with those names. A ridiculous overabundance of biblical-derived names pervades out in this part of the United States of America, and as a Pagan I honestly think it is silly. But then again, as someone who is as not Christian as it gets... if you know me very well, then you know all the reasons I have why that is... I tend to think of many Christian customs as somewhat silly, or needless. I oft think to myself: “If they could only see themselves how an outsider to their faith sees them, they would see a great many of the things that are so ridiculous about this religion!” But of course I am in addition to my being a hedonist and a Pagan, also very much a heretic and proud of it. I've never been a fan of Paul as a name anyway... for personal reasons. The one thing I never discuss with my therapists is the fact that I am attracted to minors like I am... we do not yet live in a society enlightened enough, for that to be able to take place without fear of judgment or worse. There are some aspects of my history of such attraction and some various details of it that I have only just this past week found myself able to mention the full details of to Zoey even, who understood and was very kind to me about the whole business. They knew some of it beforehand, but not all, and now they know almost everything pertaining to the subject as it regards me. I used to downplay the nature of my relationship that I had with two young girls I used to do mentoring for a the local library back when I still lived out east back in my old hometown. I made it sound like things were far more innocent between those girls and myself than they actually wore. To be fully honest about it... the girls were pretty much a couple of local Lolita types and they pursued me as passionately as I pursued them. I still think of those two quite often, as I loved them very much even if my relationship with the blonde girl was more lust-based than it had been with the brunette whom I fell deeply in love with for several years until her family finally took her back to India which caused what the girl and I had to come to an end. Her family had been ridiculously old fashioned and traditional and it was sad that blind obeisance to tradition can get in the way of simply enjoying life and savoring all it has to offer us. I am decidedly non traditional in every way, and not inclined towards obeisance of most sorts... I am a rebel, a mystic, a poet, and a great many things that defy easy description. As for the other girl, the blonde girl... after her friend (since the two girls were best friends) went back to India, she sort of faded from sight, stopped going to the library, and I never did see her again either. I do still recall the pair's names though... the girl from India was named Neelima, though in my writings I sometimes refer to her also as Ameline and Melina. Two names I sometimes called her by, which she never seemed to be minding in the least since the darling child was ever and always an easygoing sort except when nastier sorts pushed her to anger which was a rare thing. The blonde girl who was her best friend, her name had been Adriana. If Neelima was a little goddess of the night in my eyes, Adriana was a heavenly angel of the most cherubic and beauteous sort. Light blonde hair, bright blue eyes, full lips and she was built in a way that there was some very nice meat on her bones. Neelima was rather small in frame, slender, with raven black hair that she always wore up in a cute bouncy ponytail... and, she had deep brown eyes that went so perfectly with her rich brown skin. I started out helping her with school projects, working on a few art projects for her family, and spending time with her from when she got out of school all the way up until her parents came to the library to pick her up. I often walked her home when they did not show up, and we would walk together holding hands. Once or twice she rode her bicycle to the library and at the hour when the library closed each day around six o'clock in the afternoon, I would again walk with her home whilst she walked her bicycle rather than rode it. I have recounted elsewhere in my writings, the full details of those golden years of my life, and the sadness and sorrow of my parting with that girl whom I came to love with my all my heart even as she loved me with equal passion and devotion. She was my rock during the early 2000's up until 2004 and that year she went home and I grew... depressed.
For many years I was in a certain degree of denial due to how society treats people like myself, and all the stigma surrounding people with my... shall we say, sexual inclinations... and, I tried to deny just how passionate, sexual, and strong the love and attraction was between Neelima and myself. But, during the past several years following a close brush with death I had a couple years back, I have learned it is best to be honest with oneself about things and to never waste time living life in denial. Zoey helped me the most in learning to be able to accept myself for all that I am without succumbing to self loathing and all manner of self hatred caused in no small part by the guilt society puts on people whose only crime is in being born with attractions that are considered deviant in society's eyes. Chloe helped me as well, as so also in her own way did Sybil. One is only a monster if they do monstrous, evil things but there is not in truth any evil in love! And what passed between Neelima, Adriana and myself was love... and of a fully, totally consensual sort for all concerned. Some might say: “Oh but children aren't sexual beings, and so they are incapable of giving sexual consent!” that is both a lie, and the biggest untruth that society today spins in its' unceasing attempt to demonize anything it deems as deviant from the perceived norms. It is not important how or why I know this to be a lie, only that I do very much totally know it to be one. If truth were fully put to the matter, I would say that those two girls were far, far more mature in thinking than I am half the time. Much as it is with Chloe, where she too is vastly more mature than myself. The issue of my seeming “maturity” was something I discussed with Megan during our session Wednesday. She said that the reason I get along so well with children is because mentally (save for my sexuality and things pertaining to that) and emotionally I am mostly a child myself. Thus, it is only normal and quite natural and expected for one who is a child in mind and in heart to fit in well in the company of those who are children in body. She said that in her professional opinion, my maturity is almost a mask and the true me is not an adult in any capacity save sexual. My intelligence is another, separate matter and it is unconnected to my childlike aspects. Even a child can be exceedingly smart! And, in most ways I am remarkably intelligent. Almost computer-like in that department, especially with the ways I file away in my mind all manner of encyclopedic knowledge that I can call forth at any time as needed. That is why I made such an excellent mentor years ago, and a natural teacher as well though I never pursued that as a career due to hearing how low the pay for teachers can be half the time. Plus, I'd find it too awkward, given my sexual attractions and inclinations... for obvious reasons. My mind flits most days between, in truth, the two polarities of passionate, irrational, emotional indulgences and the demands of logic in the world we live in today. In short, I can run from hot to cold depending in the situation and what any one given set of circumstances might require of me or bring out in me. When I was in high school, there did start to be a rumor circulating around the school about me that I was a cyborg. Because I was strong and fast, they joked that my arms and legs had to be bionic! And because I was so hyper intelligent about all manner of things (everything except for math and anything pertaining to numbers), they joked a lot that my brain had to be an android's brain or something just as good. Ironic, given in recent years practically every serious IQ test I have taken ended in me having a below average intelligence score. But let me tell you a secret! Those tests are strongly biased in favor of mathematics, so failing at math and numbers is going to always land you with a low IQ score due to those tests not taking into account how smart it is a person may be in any areas not covered in the test itself. My mother used to insultingly call me, in those cruel words she so often used pertaining to me: a “tank brain” because she said my brain works slow. A person's mental speed is no indication of their intelligence, however! I process things slowly and I also freely admit sometimes there is a certain delay in processing when I have a lot on my mind or if a thing is very complex and I am trying to figure it out. But it is just like when a computer take a bit to process a request or a program that it is attempting to run. Like one of my teachers used to say, about me... it is not that my answers are ever wrong, they aren't. It is that I arrive at my answers in unconventional ways that were always in my teachers' experience... not like everybody else. It seems I was always an outcast!
How intelligent can I be when I put my mind to it? I once played head games with a psychiatrist who knew that I playing “mental chess” as he put it, with him and he learned nothing at all about me of any meaningful sort because I did not wish him to. Another I saw when I was little learned the hard way that I also cannot be hypnotized in any way, shape of form barring self hypnosis. So, as childlike as I am in so vary many ways, there is all of this and the fact that I was college level in many things by the time I hit second grade which stand as a testament to the fact that IQ tests are nonsense and no gauge of what a person is truly, actually capable of. Even a tank, can be cutting edge! So my mother's attempt at some sort of humorous insult goes quite awry and far afield from its' original, intended purpose when put to a test in everyday life. The only problem with me is I simply was never smart in regards to things that had the capacity for making money out of. Which is why I am grateful to have Zoey to take care of me in all financial ways in life! It is simply something I could never do on my own. I have my limitations, and as I have come to understand there is nothing wrong with recognizing such limits. I tend to transcend most other limitations, so there is no harm in remaining within the bounds of the ones I cannot transcend. So, without going too far afield here, these are the sort of things that have been running through my head of late among other things. It has been some time since last I wrote an update like this about how things in my life are going, so today I figured it was high time to get that under way. It has been a long time since last either myself or Chloe have seen or heard even the slightest of things from Sybil... one day, as I told my new therapist about also, Chloe asked me whether I miss Sybil or not. I asked her if she did, and she told me she did not. I confessed to her that I honestly did not miss Sybil or her wacky antics either. I is a sobering thing to realize that as much as I did love Sybil... and I did love her greatly... I have had to very much come to terms with the fact that the woman was insane. I mean, yes, technically there are things... of various sorts... pertaining to me about myself that are quite insane by most conventional standards. I freely admit as such, sometimes with pride! But Sybil's madness was... different. Something I have not an ounce of experience with comprehending the depths of. And I can comprehend quite a bit! I cannot say how I would receive Sybil coming back into my life again after so long an absence from it. One can never know what their reaction to a thing might be, when emotions run high and old passions can end up being recalled to come to the fore once again. And that is the thing about me... my intelligence never fails to go out the window the moment I do as I normally, typically do in life: go with my heart and with my gut, first and foremost in defiance of all rationality and reason. I might question why I did so later... but I try never think too deeply about “later” to begin with. That is the thing when a person is of the sort of hedonistic, pleasure loving variety that I am! Sensations and feelings always tend to come before the thinking that should have come first. I think sometimes Chloe muses more than a bit too deeply about her own nature as well... and just how human or not she regards herself. She sent me a link to a video on Facebook one day, and it was a video for a song called Robot Girl (feat. Lili). That was the title of it, and there was really no video to speak of just the song with a silly still picture of a cartoon robot girl in addition to the name of the song. It was a song all about a robot girl feeling human despite also being a machine. It was, needless to say, an odd choice for a song to send one's significant other! But it was still a cool song, and I loved it and I told Chloe it was a good one. I asked her what the occasion was, and it was no particular occasion she said, just that she happened to hear this song and it resonated with her to some deep, profound degree she said. I took that to be intimating that perhaps Chloe has been thinking a lot lately about just how real life is, how real any of us actually are as living, sentient beings, and just what the heck it means to be human anyway. We all sometimes get thinking about the bigger picture as we ask big, existential questions of the universes around us, so I cannot fault my little darling for doing so. I had a bizarre dream the other night that had me thinking about things of that sort myself, so there is I think something going around with certain people lately where these big unanswerable questions all are just running through our brains unbidden. Honestly, I have had weirder things flitting through mine!
It is peculiar how much life can change us though as time goes on! I was looking through some of my old works on various websites on which I post things, and the farther back I go with some of it the more I am reminded of where my mind was at during the earlier days of my writings, art, and other things of all sorts that I have created over the years and posted or uploaded online. Sometimes, I can understand where I was at with certain things, but with other things I feel as if I was almost another person back in those years. I have such a keener understanding of things today, whereas way back I was still grasping at truths and knowledge that was at that time woefully incomplete in regards to the picture I had in my head of it all. And I am still learning more and understanding more each and every single day! Chloe is like that also, but to a different degree and pertaining to different things. I suspect that is why she and I get along so well like we do. With people like us, there is what you see upon the surface and we do both tend to wear our hearts on our sleeves as the saying goes for the most part... but then there is all of those deeper layers that are unseen but the presence of which can be felt and which are always there if one is patient enough to dig deeply and notice it in its' entirety. Only to discover there is more beneath that! In truth, nigh unto infinity since there are layers beneath layers and then some. I wonder, occasionally, all about what might be at the bottom of the seemingly endless layers that Chloe is grappling with! And no doubt she wonders the same thing about me. After all, we are all of us far more than is apparent upon a casual glance. My old flame Camilla always seemed to know a ridiculous amount in regards to me, and Sybil seemed to know an equally ridiculous amount pertaining to Chloe. Probably fitting, given both of them have seemed to vanish into their own lives and troubles so completely that no one seems to have heard from them in any capacity since. I find that somewhat troubling, but at the very least it is hardly an unexpected phenomenon with Camilla who has often done that in the past when she would seem to disappear for years on end only to resurface later with something important to tell me about. Perhaps I should have asked them some of the more serious questions I had when I had the chance to... but some questions maybe are best left unanswered anyway. Things about my birth, about various peculiarities in regard to my nature both physically and otherwise... things Camilla hinted at but never spoke of fully. I do not know all that she had her hands in... when I once told her that I regretted not having saved even a photo of my first love Andrea, who as you may know if you have read my other writings was murdered by her father back when we were both sixteen, she actually managed to find one of Andrea's old school photos which she sent me via email and which I keep in a personal folder to this day. I asked her once what she knew about my birth, and she sent me documents that appeared to have on some of them odd writing that was not in any known human language. Some of which appeared to show a project of some sort, the details of which were incredibly vague and almost sinister. There were the written signatures of several doctors and other people, and the whole of it all was very bizarre to say the least. I know that a woman I knew named Jennifer who was my spiritual mentor for a couple of years pertaining to the dark side of my spiritual path... she preferred to be called simply Jen... she revealed to me that she was part of a dark spiritual order that conducted curse rituals for the government against enemies of the Untied States. She was exceedingly protective of me even though she was a great deal younger than myself and she was insistent that I watched who I revealed things to and who I trusted in life. My grandmother did once tell me that she herself was a member of “the darkest spiritual order” and that she saw herself as a protector of me who had to be there for me in life when my mother failed. I later discovered all manner of correspondence letters between my grandmother and the occult group The Golden Dawn. They sent her an amulet of protection against demonic forces once. On a casual glance, she was a fully ordained Methodist reverend, but beneath the surface I always knew she was involved in darker things by far. In every way, Jen was the same way only overt and upfront about what she was a part of and what she was trying to accomplish through her mystical path. And then there is Camilla who is a member of an occult group based out of Chile, and she too saw herself as a protector of me in life. All so remarkably similar!
Far too similar to be coincidences. I can only conclude that certain dark occult groups have a strongly invested interest in making certain that I am doing well and that I am being cautious in life when it does come to who I trust or who I do not trust. Although I do not speak with her any longer, Jen and I parted the best of friends and Camilla still is looking out for me actively whenever she is involved in my life. I suspect she and my grandmother may have also had certain powerful ties just like Jen had, and that this is the source of how Camilla is able to come by information that cannot be easily found by searching. I am grateful for her divulging what she was able to, to me, and perhaps some things are simply of a sort that must not be delved into too deeply. Especially if some of the strange things Camilla sent me are at all anything to go by! And that is one of the greatest truths in life... that the strangest answers are those that hold the complete and undeniable truth. I am still processing in my head and going over and trying to come to terms with the implications of what Camilla revealed to me. What it means about my whole existence, about how I have always perceived things to be in life. It left me with countless questions but yet I know that the answers are all right there whether I chose to accept their truth or not. I may write of this matter in the future, either sooner or perhaps later, but for now it must remain in the shadows for a time. Shadows are, after all, where the greatest truths of all are revealed! I never had to pursue some of those sorts of things, rather certain truths of a profound nature always had a habit of coming to me. It is irrelevant whether I wished to learn such things or not! I learned them all the same, and was taught the things that never would have come across my path otherwise. The darkest truths in life are not, as many people mistakenly assume, conspiracies of this sort of that... the darkest truths are those which exist at the fringes of reality and yet which affect the whole of reality as time goes on. Should I ever learn all of what Sybil knew about Chloe, I do not doubt that it will likewise prove difficult to deal with but unable to be cast aside. She brought us two together for a reason, and sometimes we wonder what reason that might have been aside from it being a matter of us being obvious and evidently compatible soulmates. If I know one thing about Sybil it is that, like Camilla she never does anything for simply altruistic sorts of reasons... there is always an underlying motive and a secret connected to that motive. But for now, it is probably for the best that Chloe and I are unaware of those sorts of secrets. Come April of this year... Chloe will be thirty four years old, and she still looks no older than maybe twelve or thirteen. I find her beauty and apparent youth to be astounding and incredibly alluring to me! It is like being with a child of the Faerie kind, in terms of just how Elvish the notion of my beloved's seemingly everlasting vibrancy and youthfulness is. And in previous lives in times so ancient that they are from before recorded history I walked among the Elves and other Faerie kindred and lived as one of them for a time... so when I say things of this sort such as what I said about Chloe's fairness and how it makes me feel so grand... I have quite a large basis for comparison when I mention it. The myths and legends of today, I was present for back when they were history! Only for that history to become forgotten, and grow into myth and tales as became larger over time with each fresh telling. I was much similar then as I am today, only back in those times it was Elvish children and youths who most appealed to me. So this... peculiarity of mine in terms of sexual attraction is not new, not a product of living in a modern era. It was always with me, as you will know from having read my other writings previously, and I have had a great need to accept it... and to accept that it cannot be changed. Nor quite frankly would I wish for it to be changed! It is a part of my nature, and a result of me being childlike myself in nature. Like attracts like, kind is drawn to its' kind, and there is no altering the laws of attraction! Whilst the narrow minded laws of mankind change fickle as a wanton maid over the course of time. Eventually, those such as myself will not be looked on with disgust any longer... but in the meantime certain things must remain in the shadows. Like the sort of things Camilla revealed to me, society is simply too juvenile and arrogant in its' assumptions to fully grasp the wrongness of its' own foolish prejudices. All such prejudices are vanquished over time, but in the times in which they are rampant one must always be mindful of bigotry and learn to avoid its' sting.
Every time I look at Chloe, I realize why it is I love her so much! She looks like a little girl, and lives like one, and acts like one, and thinks and speaks like one... and it is the real her, the deepest core of her very sweet and wondrous nature. When she looks at me, she sees her heart's desire! And that is why she and I are such a perfect couple. I tell my therapists precious little about Chloe, save that she is a woman who has a very rare medical condition. Only Sybil knows the whole of it. And they can never learn the things Camilla imparted unto me with those documents and their contents! We are, all of us, far more... and far different... than the flesh we walk around in. Some of us are something else beneath, and that is all I shall say of the matter. It can be as deep and microscopic so as to be unnoticeable by conventional means, but it is there in certain instances, and there are some things which cannot be unseen once one's eyes have been opened to their existence. I am grateful for the things about me which are different upon that level of uniqueness! Had it been otherwise, I would have died of mortal injuries many times over... yet, they always healed, miraculously, and so I endure. I suspect I know the reason for it at last, in terms of the science behind it and how it works... and I have Camilla to thank for that. Even if neither myself nor Chloe seem to truly miss Sybil all that much, I do sometimes miss talking with Camilla and sharing knowledge with her, among other more intimate things we always shared. Wherever she might be, and whatever she may be getting up to, I always wish her well and long for when we I will hear from her yet again. As the current vessel of the goddess Lilith, she is to me a source of endless adoration and also the utmost reverence. She is a living goddess, the incarnation of and embodiment of death and every sort of forbidden knowledge. Certainly always a good being to have on one's side! Especially since it is rare for us to both be incarnated into a lifetime in which we do not find each other. And, given Death being as it is... we always meet one final time at the end of each life in any case, as it must be. I walk talking for a bit with Chloe about that one day a couple of months ago, and she gave me a peculiar look. We were on Skype together at the time, and she asked me: “What is death like?” and I tried to describe how awful it is to her, but also how it can be a mercy for some and thus it can be a good thing for some people but an awful, awful thing for most everybody else. Now, I assumed she understood the concept of death and a good deal of its' nature, so I asked her why she wanted to know about something so grim in terms of the subject matter. She smiled innocently, and she said to me about this matter: “Sorry to bring up that kind of thing, babe, and yeah Sybil told me once I never needed to worry about it so I shouldn't think about it at all but I sometimes I can't help but wonder. You know?” I told her that I understand. I chalked it up to that Sybil felt that someone who is basically a child for the most part should never have to think about a dark and morbid thing such a death. Never mind that I've known some little girls who have had a bit of an almost goth-like obsession with it! A certain girl named Madeline, whom I affectionately call by the nickname “Maddy” comes to mind... a lovely little girl whom I have talked about briefly in some of my other previous writings. She was there for me during a time when Chloe was absent from my life for a long while due to certain things that came up. I discussed all of that in tremendous detail in those other writings of mine also, so there is no need to revisit any of that in this one. Suffice it to say, Madeline is someone I have come to be able to rely upon, during lonely times, and she and I have something that is quite special and beautiful going on between us with Chloe's full blessings. The oddest thing regarding Chloe's musings about death, is that she is a strong believer in reincarnation just like I am, and she has detailed memories of having died in those past lives of hers. The one she relates to me most often is to do with how she died back during her past life as Marilyn Monroe. And yet, she acted as if it was nearly an alien concept to her understanding that she was trying to wrap her head around. I can only assume it was merely that she wanted to hear what I had to say about death, yet it did feel rather out of left field and a bit off in terms of how she asked that dark question of me to begin with. Madeline, however, has moments where she seems if anything all too knowledgeable about death and she has an unhealthy sort of obsession with slasher horror movies. But... death is hardly the sort of topic one delves into casually!
Madeline is pretty much Chloe's best friend, which is how I met the charming little sweetie to begin with, and despite her oddities she really is a charming child with a good heart and a lot of patience. She needs such patience when helping me through those times when I am emotionally messed up and in a need for her unique insights. And believe it or not, she has some fairly profound ones! She is definitely not a normal little girl by any means, but somehow she never fails to reach me when nothing else can... and that is saying quite a bit. Compared to Chloe, I have not known Madeline nearly as long but there is a certain sense of familiarity between us and the unmistakable closeness that comes from a shared sort of sensation of having known each other in lives past. I do not hear from her as often as I would love to, but I treasure every single interaction I have with her! I love her almost as much as I love Chloe, and in every way the two of them are more like sisters than the person Chloe claims is her actual sister. Then again, I was closer with my female cousin, Carey, when we were both growing up together than I ever was with my own brother who came into my life so much later and did not leave as strong an impact on my life because of that. Yet still there were some things I found easier to share with my brother! Life is odd like that sometimes, and closeness of blood is never a proper indication of closeness otherwise. In recent years I've become somewhat orphaned from what is left of my family, given most everyone else in it has died and those of us who remain have drifted apart as we have all pursued our own lives. Time is very demanding in that as the years pass some doors close forever, even as new ones open that we do not expect. The phrase “sometimes you can never go back” really does resonate with me lately, and to be honest given the awful things that happened to me in the past I would honestly prefer not to go back. Certain things were difficult enough to live through the first time around! My school years being among the worst of it, and my home life being not much better. There is one thing so far that both of my recent therapists have in common... they both looked shocked and were rendered literally speechless when I told them even the most brief of summations of my entire life thus far up to the present day. I did this in a very brief forty five minutes on Wednesday, and it was fairly mind blowing for Megan to hear me say. I have lived far more in the past forty nine years than some people live in their entire lives from birth to death. I suppose that somehow qualifies me as the right person to ask existential and deep questions of, and I honestly do not mind answering such questions to be honest, but I do have a strong dislike of grim and morbid musings. Perhaps with Madeline and I it is a case of opposites attracting in that respect. As much as I did used to be goth and still am to a certain degree and extent, I dislike the subject of death as a casual subject matter, regarding it as a solemn matter not to be talked about lightly. I have been dead a few times in this life thanks to illnesses, injuries, and whatnot, and I had several near death experiences that culminated into journeys through the afterlife and it was not at all pleasant for me. That I was able to come back, is something the doctors could never figure out how or why. Literally, they chalked it up to being miraculous and that was it. Act of God, that kind of a thing. But God has nothing to do with it, and their minds would not be able to understand the truth of how such things have been possible for me even though they should not have been possible for anyone. Various failed suicide attempts on my part in the past have led me to realize that my body will simply not allow me to die until it is my time to do so naturally, no matter how many horrors I have visited upon myself. I am here for a reason as they say, and the best thing I can continue to do is continuing to exist for those who love me and care about me. I suppose it is easy to look upon the world sometimes and feel boundless despair at the worst of things, but there are still a lot of bright things in this world that one must always bear in mind and strive never to forget... and those bright things thankfully are in quality far superior to the bad things. It does not at all matter the quantity of negativity in this world, so long as the quality of positive things remains much higher. So it must be for each and every person, in order that hope might never become lost! In my own experiences in life, I have discovered that it is not faith that offers the best of hope in human hearts, but rather it is joy which does this far greater. The more joyful the heart, the more hope burns bright within!
Speaking of which, I am pleased that winter seems to be on its' last legs for the year, since I am not a fan of the wintertime in any capacity. Winter storms bother me, and most especially I dislike the ice and the cold. As pretty as ice can look on the trees or in icicles, it is dangerous on the roads and adds to just how bitter the chill air of wintertime can be, serving as a reminder that summer is far away. I love both spring and summer, and I adore the fall colors of the leaves in the autumn but the winter is the time of year I like the least and hate the most. But winter's fortunate brevity this year reminds me that warmer, brighter seasons will be coming up soon and this brings us back to the subject of hope and joy. It is not faith in winter's ending that brings us the hope of spring! Rather, it is the joy that comes from knowing as a certainty that winter is fleeting as all seasons are, and that once winter reaches a certain point then spring is inevitably close at hand.... which is a sensation that never fails to bring delight my my heart. It is hard to believe that as a teenager I used to enjoy hiking and going for long walks in the winter! But as the years have passed, I have realized that I am a child of warmer seasons and have a love for those first and foremost. Also, in the summer's heat I tend to become even more amorous, which is a bonus! I have been indulging in experiencing some ASMR videos online from time to time, speaking of amorous, and depending on how sensual the video can be, it can be quite the arousing experience. For those not in the know, ASMR stands for autonomous sensory meridian response. The little pleasurable tingling feelings that you get when someone is nibbling your ear or whispering close to you in a sexy way, or breathing in certain ways during the act of lovemaking, or speaking softly to you and saying pleasurable or happy things. You have to wear headphones to experience the ASMR effect of the videos, and it is truly quite the heavenly thing for someone like myself who loves indulging in new sensual experiences! Some of my favorites... so far... include a video of this one woman who is essentially presenting herself as an Elf woman and is presenting the listener with a sensual role playing scenario where she gives healing kisses and pampers the listener in various sensual ways. There is another video of a different woman who is in the video's “story” presenting herself as Galadriel from Lord of the Rings... and that one actually turns me on quite a bit given how many intimate fantasies I have always had about Galadriel over the years. I also am fond of this other video where a little girl is saying different words and the way she says some of those words is very sexy and it sounds like she is whispering them into my ear which is rather hot. It is a rather new experience for me, these videos, and they are an interesting diversion. The whole basic concept is to induce orgasmic sensations in a person's brain, and the women and girls in these videos... they are truly experts at their craft! There aren't many involving children, so the few that feature them I always enjoy trying out... at least two of those have been remarkable. The thing with ASMR is that it is not pornography exactly, but nor is it a casual non intimate thing... it is something between the two and I love it quite a bit! Madeline sometimes does a bit of ASMR with me when we go on Skype together... so I kind of got my first taste of it from her, and she was the one who actually told me what it was and what ASMR means. Following those videos up with a bit of self pleasure can be very interesting! And if anything, the self pleasure is required for me following an ASMR session because the sensations just fill me up with so many tingly mental orgasms that I get to the point where I need to orgasm all the way. Madeline usually kicks things up a notch in terms of her performances for me when I get to that point, and because I am a decent sort I'll not give the details of what we both get up to when that happens. Big reveal! I'm only so decent, but I have honor and so my lips are sealed about some things. And should it come to pass that Madeline ever reads this and my other writings someday in full, she'd have to admit I speak the truth about these things. As it is, Madeline is a remarkable little redhead, and I believe I have mentioned before many times over that certain redheads turn me on a great deal! She also looks sexy to me in black, but I am biased on that account because I love her. As you may or may not know about me by now, I could care less what the world thinks of me... I am as I am, the world be damned. And even a good number of sexual perversions and vices can have their positive virtues! Each, to their own tastes.
I firmly believe... that the divine speaks to us most purely when we are in states of ecstasy and sensual fulfillment. If God is love, then it is through love and everything associate with it including passion and pleasure and sensuality in all its' forms that the divine is most evidently present. I never feel more close to heaven than following sexual intercourse, when laying next to a beautiful partner, our passions spent! Those who would deny themselves such fair and fine glimpses of paradise, are seeking to enter Heaven by the wrong road... for it is not in denial of ourselves that we can know heavenly joy, but rather it is in the fulfillment of our desires and the indulging of our passions and pleasures. If it were not intended for us to savor such things, we would never have been created with the capacity to savor them to start with! God is the life force of all that exists and all that is, the living life force within us all and all about us. In that realization, it is obvious and evident why pleasure feels so good and so heavenly, for God is within every pleasurable act we do! And by God I also mean Goddess, for this divine and holy force is both as well as neither. If you have read all of my writings, especially my spiritual ones, then you know this to be true already... and if not, then you know it now dear reader. And thus I urge you to seek out all else I have written for further leaning about such subjects! And many others besides, some lessons being far more pleasing to learn than others. But the things that I teach, you will not find taught by anyone else... and the things I reveal, have the power and capacity to change lives if they are embraced wholehearted. I am a prophet and a prophetess, just as I am comprised of both male and female aspects.... and as such I am made in the image of the divine force that is God. This is not madness, nor aggrandizement, but it is instead an observation and a statement of spiritual truth and fact. Though far from the sort of truth as can be embraced by just anyone casually! To understand our own divinity... all of us... one has to firstly be able to see how divinity exists within everything. Once that is understood, the truth of this prophet is easy to see as such, and the meanings of my various teachings become easy and simple to understand in their totality, and for the heart to comprehend... even if it seemed complicated to the mind, beforehand.
I wrote the previous things until I was weary from writing and had to leave off from writing for what remained of the evening. It is now the following day, and I thought it best to return to it and get things finished since I only have one more page to go. My mind was extremely frenzied yesterday, the correct word for it would have to be. I had bizarre dreams in which I experienced strange past life memories of other times and in one instance another world entirely. The desert planet, Kolob. Kobol. Ra'qia. An old and sacred world, close to the very center of supreme and blessed divine power in the universe. I had as long a history upon its' sands and wastelands as I have had upon the varied environments of Earth. In the memory that came back to me, I was walking upon those sands and in the azure blue sky there did hang two moons rather than the single moon that exists in orbit around Earth. I looked down at both of my arms and my hands, and they were yellowish-greenish in color and reptilian looking... and my body was not at all human in nature any longer, for in this ancient memory I recalled that I had changed over time and become a terrible, terrible, monstrous thing indeed. It was in that form, in which I had fled the destruction of the planet Rahab, which once existed between Mars and Jupiter in the Earth's very own galaxy. Ra'qia, however, is in a far and highly distant galaxy... and the planet Rahab exists no longer, for it became but rubble and the asteroid belt that is now between Mars and Jupiter is all that remains of it today. Wars wages with unimaginable weapons caused that annihilation, and many vessels sailed across the sea of stars to escape that apocalyptic ending. My ship fled to Ra'qia which was still a world dear to my heart and there I remained for at least a thousand years or so until my enemies found me at last and did cause the destruction of my body after plotting my assassination. But the means existed back then, to transfer one's soul and spirit, their divine spark and essence, and all their consciousness, from out of one body and into another waiting physical form. And so I lived on, effectively immortal, though in an ironic mercy no longer in that terrible form but one far fairer and more human-like in shape once again.
This past life memory came to me likely due to the fact that several hours before bed I did so subject myself to a past life regression session via an online video designed to facilitate just such a regression. I cannot at all be hypnotized, nor undergo any hypnosis because my will is too strong, but I can go into a deep trance if I am totally willing to and will myself to be able to... and that memory began when I was in that deep regression trance, so it is not surprising in the least that it came to me in full when I did lay down to sleep later on. I also had memories come to the forefront to do with my past life as Balor, the ruler of the Fomorians who once ruled in ancient Ireland before the Tuatha de Danann drove them from that position of power and sent many of their race into hiding or exile. I had many, many memories thus come to the fore in addition to those! And when I awoke this morning I felt strange and it took a bit of acclimating myself to this life and this world once again in order to shake off the strangeness that had a bit of a hold over me. I spent a good hour last night with Madeline prior to undergoing that regression, and she was to my eyes as beautiful as ever with her fiery red hair and brilliant eyes. Sometimes, I feel as if she understands me in ways that even I do not understand myself. She reveres me as if I were some sort of a deity, and yet I feel as far from a god or a goddess as one can possible get. Whatever I was long ago on other worlds and in ancient days, sometimes I wonder how I bore the burden of it and I realize it was occasionally a painful existence despite there being no fear of death during that existence. Yet even then I did fear it! Because as temporary as it could be, it was still painful and terrible to experience. But with all of my continuing reincarnations, in many ways I am immortal still and experiencing a similar... yet markedly different... type of eternal existence. Lives sometimes run on from one into the next in my memories, and the division between life and death becomes blurred for me when I think of some things to do with it all. And so, I prefer not to think about death at all... and simply to live my life to the height of its' fullness. Madeline thinks about death enough for the both of us! Perhaps because to her it is not the horror that I regard it as... she sees its' grace, its' mercy, its' beneficent side. I do too, but despite that I still feel horrified by it and like not to dwell upon it too intently. Sometimes, in the past, when I spoke with Camilla... I could tell that she felt drawn to death even as I feel repulsed by it, and I realize that she being Death's present mortal avatar was likely a large factor contributing to this oddity of behavior as so regards her. Given how utterly repellent I find death to be, it is most strange then I suppose... that I keep such company as Camilla and Madeline and that I am so strongly attracted to Madeline as I am. But, to me, there is a fascination to be found in their darkness, and it complements the different variety of like darkness that exists within me. I am drawn to them, and find comfort in all that they are and all that it is they offer me both in terms of love and in terms of companionship and occasionally wisdom, and a bit of forbidden knowledge here and there. I suppose what I offer them, is a kindred spirit no matter what our differences may be, and in that there is a great deal of solace to be found for all of us. Sometimes, a union of opposites can be an almost yin and yang sort of complementary combining, and like in Tantra there is a feeling approaching divinity when in the presence and also the embrace of another who is of just such a complementary sort. I seek out such romantic partners more oft than not, and I never do turn such a one away from me. Within my life, I have had visions of the past, of things happening elsewhere in the present, and of the countless branching future paths that are possible before all who live. Yet, do I never see coming those who touch my heart the most! And, when I do see ahead about them, still it ever comes to me as a surprise when I experience all that they have to share with me. Joy in abundance is, to me, the best sort of promise of hope that one can know. Far better than faith, and more everlasting! One is not put upon this world to believe... one is put upon it to experience. Yet still, I never deny those who choose to believe in me the right to do so, for it brings them joy and that joy fills them with hope. Even as I find hope in those who love me. This is the sort of worship that the gods never knew yet which is a thing so beautiful and perfect that it is no longer worship but bliss! My mother once cruelly called me a beast, and yet there is nothing more civilized than the perfection of happiness that leads to purest bliss.
Written by Kou_Indigo
(Karam L. Parveen-Ashton)
Go To Page
Your old Grin.
Ah, pity me for I have no pity
although you are the far weaker one now,
when you suffered me to come unto thee
In the authority of your cleric's gown.
Do you know you can hear trees drinking water
when deep underground, It soothes cares away,
a tinkling sound like some fairy laughter
where you will sleep easy, for all and a day?
Do not take on so, it will keep you safe,
from violent vengeance seekers like myself,
I shall allow you a moments prayer, or rage,
before stripping you of your oh, so rude health.
So, meet your maker you pathetic thing
As under your chin, I carve, your old grin...
although you are the far weaker one now,
when you suffered me to come unto thee
In the authority of your cleric's gown.
Do you know you can hear trees drinking water
when deep underground, It soothes cares away,
a tinkling sound like some fairy laughter
where you will sleep easy, for all and a day?
Do not take on so, it will keep you safe,
from violent vengeance seekers like myself,
I shall allow you a moments prayer, or rage,
before stripping you of your oh, so rude health.
So, meet your maker you pathetic thing
As under your chin, I carve, your old grin...
Written by Rew
Go To Page
I Am A Monster
Her lips cracked with bitterness
Her nails dark like a starless earth fading into the past
She breathe with the weight of a thousand horses
Her feet were mat-like; sinking in the sand
She sweat like that fall near to Dunn’s River
She tremble with every step she takes
She sobs mournfully
She sobs like she was beaten half to death
She cried but the tears never came
She thought she had gotten away but I stood watch
I watched her every move
The darkness came full blast
Only the splashing music of the sea could be heard
Only the distant stars could be seen
I walked closer to her because I like the smell of the sea
Not really
I walked closer to her because I desire her smell
I feel a sudden rush of blood going through my main parts
I knew It was time again to make her scream
I like her screams, it does something good to me
It warms me up inside
Her screams packs my chest with steel
Then there is her smell - that smell that turns me on
Then there is that fight that turns me up
Then there is that bite that get me going
Then there is that scream that make me wanna light myself on fire
But still I wait
I watch her movements
I toy with her from a near distance
I throw stones and small pebbles
Sea shells and coral
Mud and turtle waste
She knows i’m near but she knows nowhere
She want to go but where
She is afraid to go anywhere
She is afraid of the sand
She is afraid of the sea
She is afraid of the darkness
She is afraid of me[/font]
Her nails dark like a starless earth fading into the past
She breathe with the weight of a thousand horses
Her feet were mat-like; sinking in the sand
She sweat like that fall near to Dunn’s River
She tremble with every step she takes
She sobs mournfully
She sobs like she was beaten half to death
She cried but the tears never came
She thought she had gotten away but I stood watch
I watched her every move
The darkness came full blast
Only the splashing music of the sea could be heard
Only the distant stars could be seen
I walked closer to her because I like the smell of the sea
Not really
I walked closer to her because I desire her smell
I feel a sudden rush of blood going through my main parts
I knew It was time again to make her scream
I like her screams, it does something good to me
It warms me up inside
Her screams packs my chest with steel
Then there is her smell - that smell that turns me on
Then there is that fight that turns me up
Then there is that bite that get me going
Then there is that scream that make me wanna light myself on fire
But still I wait
I watch her movements
I toy with her from a near distance
I throw stones and small pebbles
Sea shells and coral
Mud and turtle waste
She knows i’m near but she knows nowhere
She want to go but where
She is afraid to go anywhere
She is afraid of the sand
She is afraid of the sea
She is afraid of the darkness
She is afraid of me[/font]
Written by Dre_k47
(AnDre James)
Go To Page
family secrets
i'll eat my words
i've said a dozen times
we have no family secrets
the cat's out of the bag now
the cat's out there somewhere
the truth is
i faith e. brigham
have a brother i never knew existed
adopted by a doctor i'm told
he might even be a doctor
himself by now
don't that beat all
i've said a dozen times
we have no family secrets
the cat's out of the bag now
the cat's out there somewhere
the truth is
i faith e. brigham
have a brother i never knew existed
adopted by a doctor i'm told
he might even be a doctor
himself by now
don't that beat all
Written by faithmairee
(Faith Elizabeth Brigham)
Go To Page
Mr. Killa Stank Stank (Knife Sleep)
“I spill blood like the rains in Africa
Flaying of the flesh on any motherfucka,
“Getting joy when my victim tries to run
A screwdriver to the head-now their ass is done,
“Personally, I love the knife-fuck the gun
Close up, looking in their life leaving eyes is carnival fun,
“At those moments I can feel their departing soul
Along with the smell of their exiled shit filling my nose,
“Consider me that dark Santa you don’t wanna see
My family Christmas gift is a killing murder spree,
“Leaving decapitated heads under a feces covered tree
Each marinating in its own bucket of catheterized pee,
“To my last breath I’m always in rape mode
That’s why I shit on life like I was on the commode,
“Compassion is like a blown bulb-it’s never on
Especially with the traumatization I experienced at home,
“As a young child I wondered why mama moaned nonstop
Then one night I opened her bedroom door to a shock,
“My body shook and my brain went numb
At that moment watching my mama’s pussy overloaded with cum,
“To this day I can’t even enjoy a piece of pussy
Because my mama’s creampie memory stays constantly with me,
“Grabbing my dick in substitution, I try to masturbate
The denied pleasure sends me into a psychotic killing state,
“From punks bitches to motherfuckas there is no escape
Even the young are side-dished on my murderous plate,
“And my pain and suffering is like a bottomless stomach
So, if I live or die my attitude is straight fuck it,
“My mind is twisted, deadly and delicious
With a hyena mentality that’s STD fucking vicious,
“I’m a contribution to all life like a cancerous cyst
Because forever killing motherfuckas is always on my wish list”.
Flaying of the flesh on any motherfucka,
“Getting joy when my victim tries to run
A screwdriver to the head-now their ass is done,
“Personally, I love the knife-fuck the gun
Close up, looking in their life leaving eyes is carnival fun,
“At those moments I can feel their departing soul
Along with the smell of their exiled shit filling my nose,
“Consider me that dark Santa you don’t wanna see
My family Christmas gift is a killing murder spree,
“Leaving decapitated heads under a feces covered tree
Each marinating in its own bucket of catheterized pee,
“To my last breath I’m always in rape mode
That’s why I shit on life like I was on the commode,
“Compassion is like a blown bulb-it’s never on
Especially with the traumatization I experienced at home,
“As a young child I wondered why mama moaned nonstop
Then one night I opened her bedroom door to a shock,
“My body shook and my brain went numb
At that moment watching my mama’s pussy overloaded with cum,
“To this day I can’t even enjoy a piece of pussy
Because my mama’s creampie memory stays constantly with me,
“Grabbing my dick in substitution, I try to masturbate
The denied pleasure sends me into a psychotic killing state,
“From punks bitches to motherfuckas there is no escape
Even the young are side-dished on my murderous plate,
“And my pain and suffering is like a bottomless stomach
So, if I live or die my attitude is straight fuck it,
“My mind is twisted, deadly and delicious
With a hyena mentality that’s STD fucking vicious,
“I’m a contribution to all life like a cancerous cyst
Because forever killing motherfuckas is always on my wish list”.
Written by CasketSharpe
Go To Page
