Procrastination

So what am I supposed to do right now?
Forget and delete everything that I have felt with you?

The spiral tried to get me in its grief and victimhood but no.
I saw you in me.
I saw that part of me that was screaming for attention. And the way I have been treating it, is the same with yours towards me. This is a mirroring reflection...My freedom and purity wants to be embodied in me but I am running away from them.


What the fuck am I saying?
This is rediculous. I'm brainwashed and naive.
There is no such thing as true love.

Then I say, this is all a joke. Don't take things too seriously.
Am I pushing my true feelings to the uncoscious?
I have tried the autopilot method to overcome pain and it works.
But you keep coming back into my mind.
The first reaction used to be a tear and a sudden wave of pain in my chest.
Maybe weaping. Cursing angels and gods.
This is the spiral. It goes nowhere.
So I try to think how small we are. How pointless all may seem one day.
I try to be present.
Fuck, this doesn't work all the time either.

Time is the most tyrant healer.
It promises what won't matter when it arrives.
It takes away your control and intoduce you to its own laws.
Time can let you suffer eternally.
This would be a good moment to reclaim power.

I don't know if I will ever be able to get you out of my thoughts.
Maybe you will fade away but as I write this I feel a thuder on my heart that says no.
Is it illusion?
Why is this happening?
What is left to see is what my paranoid thoughts will manifest.
It's either chaos or ultimate peace.
I try to remember and focus on the blessings.
But then I feel stupid.
Why do I give myself like that?
I must hate her guts.
It's tragic.
I start with neutral mode and then dive into pain, then burn with anger,  before I begin to feel nuts and have random thoughts of stupid new age terms.
I want love like this no more, thank you.
I want out of this delusion.

But yet, here I am looking at your face and letting myself shatter into million pieces.
I must never come across to your imagery. It's so painful. I don't understand the lesson. I don't want to learn it. I don't care.
I care of nothing. I just breathe by instinct, move around the house like a robot performing its daily activities. It's hard to forgive myself.

"Why do you cry?", the realist is laughing at me.
'You were aware of that might happen".
"Fuck off", the spiritual junkie says.
"All will pass", I hear a warm voice that brings some relief.
"I want to die right now", my scared old persona declares.

I shut all my aspects down.
Who is in control of my brain?
Who is in control of my life?
I believed in us so much..again..this is what hurts me the most.
My stupidity.
My lack of awareness to have no expectations.
My fucking weakness is you, just as you are my empowerment.
I want to leave this place.
I want to live... I have no will to live.
What keeps me going?
Is there a god? Fuck you!
Did I choose this? I'm more mad to myself than ever.
Is there a fate? Cause and effect? Fuck those too!





Bring me some darkness so I cannot see.
I have no eyes. Neither has my soul.
I don't need light, nor the sun.
Bring me some fire, my body is lit.
I'll hypnotize it with smoke, promote it with wisdom,  dress it with cum.
I'll punish the whore that won this lifetime.
She'll have no feelings, just mere sensations.
I'll let her write and play her guitar, I'll treat her some amnesia remedies.
I'll buy her a vision, a popular one.




This delusion is safer.
Yours is killing me. And you're not even in it.
Where are you? Who are you?
Are you my revenge?
Are you my punishment?
What have I done?

As I observe all from a slightly higher perspective I feel you close to me.
But I fear this is  a false frame of my fantasy.
I can't risk anymore.
I'm tired. I start whining like a little baby. I immediately stop myself.
No more drama.
Anger doesn't serve me either.
I would love the possibility of knowing what the hell is wrong with me.