Parallel Selves

There's a boy I used to glimpse,
with punk cut, black dyed hair
and morning stubble,
sitting thin in a mohair jumper and jeans,
his voice was cigarettes
through nicotine stained fingers
that pointed out the freedom of self belief
and dole queue haze.

I walk past him some days
and snatch the bottle from his hand
whisper in his ear of the secrets
of unkind years and the change
that is yet to come, rage in his face
with mute expressions of regret.
I'd smooth out my Captains map
and plot him a different chart
an early chance for a too late start.
 
 

My frowning face..      
My teary face..    
My straight face..        
My smiling face..        
Behind the expressions on my many faces is everything you'll never understand..        
        
You keep scolding me for whatever reason..        
You keep harassing me for every little fault knowingly or unknowingly .        
You blame me subliminally for the fault of others..        
All in the name of righteousness?..        
       
We are the same..        
Just trailing opposite paths..        
You act I react..        
I act you react..        
Putting everything in motion..        
That 3rd law..        
Our actions..        
Our reactions..        
Equal just opposite..        
Time changes yesterday..        
I change with time..        
Normally I will expect you to do the same..      
But the less I care the happier I am..        
Like me believing and feeling in public when I am alone..        
       
In this family I am the black sheep a fact I accepted a long time ago..        
While all you all choose to ignore the white patches on this black sheep.. Well, not my problem..        
Love or hate me, not my problem..        
Consider me one of you not my problem..        
Denounce, me not my problem ..        
Reject me, not my problem..        
       
I declared myself an outcast for a while now..        
Every one has to break at some point only that we differ respectively;        
Some people's heart melts thus going by melting..        
Some ended up freezing..        
Some condensate..        
Others vaporize..        
Curtains up all is set as a premonition..      
Right before your eyes, I will sublime..        
And on this occasion..        
Mounting a comeback by means of a DEPOSITION        
       
Far away somewhere exist again as a solid form in human..

The struggle hasn't stopped.
Though through each passing day.
I reflect on how i used to handle,
In all my unhealthy ways.
 
Where we as a group,
Survived the best we could.
Clinging as we needed.
But not reacting as we should.
 
A tribe contrived of failure.
Each of us missing adults.
So we banded together.
Raised our glasses to cope.
 
Children playing grown up games.
In crazy ways-
In crazy days-
 
Waiting for it all to change.
On full delay-
For full display-
 
If i could go back,
I'd wring my own neck.
To gasp my airways,
From the time i spent.
 
From lying to myself that i was a bother.
And rotting inside from time i squandered.
 
Looking back all it would really take,
Would be some maturity to spark change.
 
But instead i ignored myself.
And as result, behind on life.
It wasn't all negativity.
But the least, i could've tried.
 
And if i did I'm sure my life could be easier.
If i could go back and chat the lad convinced he's damned.
And let him know, that no control, is not fixed through it's embrace.
But that the change to be made laid in my hands.
 
If i had simply tried,
Instead of just waiting to die,
I imagine that my life,
Would hold more pleasure.
 
But with the past aside,
I now reflect upon my tribe,
Loving the memories of them and i,
But i just wish that we did better.
 
If i could just go back so i could say...
That I'm sorry to myself for how i behaved.
That i can't fault others for the choices i made.
And need to take responsibility into my own hands.
 
So now i don't mind the price i paid.
I'm happy that i worked to turn out this way.
Still finding out the path i paved,
From being a boy, forced into a man.

Quietly, I found myself
a secret place to hide my things
it's in the space,
the vacant places
the empty sockets that were left
the dead veins holding the rest,
holding the rest from a decent shot
at taking a nice, new breath.
It's all I've got.
This is all I've got left.
Try not to leave this place a mess,
when it's time.
When it's the end of the end.
I hope to God I don't think of it.
I hope to God that I can get out of it.

Because I'VE CHANGED.
Atleast I think that I did.
So what the fuck kind of sense does it make to do this?
And I'VE TRIED.
And you fucking know that I did.
Every ounce of hate I've tamed, and let go to the wind.
And I SIGH.
Because it's impossible to win.
There's nothing left to fight for when there's no one left to see it.
It's in the empty, vacant places.
The place where the deepest darks are kept locked a secret.
The empty sockets that it left.|
Quietly, I cursed myself.
I guess I just haven't changed much yet

(From the Walternate Universe)
 
It was on the outskirts of the great city
When I ran into me from another universe
He was sitting in a café reading the paper
Waiting for me, ready for us to converse
 
We stared at each other for about a second
He looked like me but just a skinnier a version
He had a goatee, mustache and a black beret
I wondered about this parallel world excursion
 
Right on man, the beatnik said with a smile
Have a seat, he added putting the paper down
And I still baffled at seeing a Walternate style
Had trouble speaking and verbalizing our pronoun
 
How is this? I started but only uttered and muttered
Don’t think too much about it, he said reaching out
We shook hands as I said “but, but” and stuttered
Bro, just chill because there’s so much to talk about
 
I sat across from him as he took a sip of his coffee
Just then the waiter served me one just like I like
I know, he said as I thought how many of us exist
As he said: you should see MC you spit on the mic…
 
…There’s an infinite number of us in the multi-verse
I’m just one version here to visit your world
But there’s not enough time so let me get to the point…
Our worlds split when I went chasing that girl

Remember college, freshmen year, we were undeclared
You said “I’m going into banking to make that money”
Well, how’s that working for you Wallyroo? Nine and Two
I departed from you because I wanted that honey
 
You mean, I said remembering all those classes I took
Our lives split when you went into finance and I into English Lit
And remember that cutie from class who was interested in us
It was a short but torrid affair and a crazy one I must admit
 
But I stuck with my studies and went on to chase dreams
I have a great career and I even got to see the world
And yet somehow even across this vast multi-verse
Destiny seems to have brought us to the same girl
 
I still remember filling out the paper work, declaring a major
While as the years passed my head and heart kept fighting
I doubted that “logical” decision for the longest time
When I passed on my passions for music and writing  
 
Don’t worry, you’re still going to be alright, Beatnik said
We still have work to do Wallyroo, we are still at the helms!
And so we sat in that café conversing for several hours
Regaling each other with stories and tales from our realms.
 

From embryonic start our relationship was problematic    
You risked your life for mine repeatedly for seven months  
The fact that I suffered no permanent consequence    
a miracle, as divine the blessing of my old-new name    
Before it was mine you had to swear to never change it  
 
It never has, and it never will, I give my promise    
   
The world never was your friend    
You were abused, used, seduced, betrayed.    
with little help and less mercy    
Chronically ill in agonizing pain constantly    
vodka and prescription drugs were your solace    
Filled your world with a haze that gave refuge    
from pain, crushing poverty, your unusual children    
for whom you felt nothing you did was ever enough    
   
You would tell your sister in law, your best friend    
I was her child, not your daughter.    
You would insist that you were a carrier of genetics    
A surrogate, you have no idea your accuracy    
that she is in truth my mother in all ways  
  
You've been dead twelve years and now  
 
I am her daughter, the treasure of her heart    
in all ways that truly matter because at the last    
your family is the one you choose for yourself.    
Blood gives existence, love makes life worth all.    
I have your blood, true, but you never loved me    
Your mind could not fathom such a concept    
   
When I was nine, I stood before a court of law    
condemning you and my father for your sins    
Of most heinous abuse, neglect, but I was jailed    
eleven years to a family that never let me forget  
  
I was Different, I would always be Other.    
In the world of blonde Mennonite Christians    
My Jewishness, my dark ringlets, my revered name    
incited a rabid hatred that almost killed me.    
   
Even reunion did not make us mother and daughter    
We were too logical, too far in time, from sentiment    
content in the trajectories of our distinct lives    
Vomiting force-fed Christianity, I embraced my heritage    
You, who wore the orange, believed in logic above all.    
   
When you decided to die, I was expecting a daughter    
I couldn’t mourn you, I had no idea until far too late    
For a half-hour I sat on the ground, reminiscing    
Suddenly realizing death was your desired goal    
I stood, feeling nothing but peace for our souls  
 
You took the last of your dwindling agency    
refused to take the medication that gave you life    
You knew you would die, literally stop your own heart    
   
Your best friend, my now-mother, filled your wishes    
She adopted me as her own treasured daughter    
She spilled your ashes with no tears or prayers    
into a free-flowing river, leaving no trace of you    
   
I forgive you, Marnie    
Blaming you would be cruel    
Thank you for fighting ,not giving up on me    
Wherever you are, may you have repose eternally.