TyrantSlayer

  I first started writing poetry in 4th grade after a class on the dynamics of poetry inspired me. I would hide my completed works under my bed because I was afraid of what people would think if they saw them. Eventually, my parents discovered one of them and confronted me asking if I was the one who wrote them or if I found them somewhere and copied them. I told them I wrote it, dreading what was to come, but was pleasantly surprised when my father said "We wanted to confirm whether you wrote it or not, because it's a really good poem." I can still recall the joy I felt that my poems had been accepted rather than becoming one more reason to set up an appointment with my Psychiatrist.

  I have continued to write poetry with enthusiasm since then, and I find it brings a distinct feeling of peace when I write one as opposed to my inner chaos and instability. I consider writing poetry a coping mechanism for me, since I find it much easier to communicate my feelings through writing on paper rather than verbally, especially when my mental state goes out of wack. In fact, in any given situation, I prefer to communicate by writing down what I want to say rather than speaking them. It feels very natural to me to organize my thoughts on paper, and incredibly difficult to organize them when speaking verbally. I suspect this might have something to do with my diagnosis of Asperger's, though I prefer to call myself an "Aspie" as the term is less subjective (since Autism and Asperger's unfortunately are gravely misunderstood by most).

  My case is incredibly mild, but certainly noticeable, and it does make social interactions difficult for me. In fact, much of semantics and social mannerisms seem like an unnecessary extension to social interaction that I can't fully understand. But of course, to other people they are simply common sense. An example of this would be the fact I often have to ask "Was that sarcasm?" and people sometimes look at me like I'm crazy because to them it's obvious.

  I do have a few disorders coupled with this, but for the sake of privacy I will not mention them specifically. I will say this much: I fall into the category of neurotic, since I do still have a grasp on reality. I do suffer from delusions and when under extreme stress hallucinations, but I've worked hard with my doctor to minimize them. Even so, there's only so much medicine and therapy can achieve, and the poems I write certainly help with what medicine and therapy cannot stop from happening.

  Truth be told, I have no control over what I write. I have no choice but to write whatever my madness suggests in order to bring stability to my disheveled and chaotic emotions. It often feels as though someone else is writing the poem and I'm just along for the ride.