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ONE HEART (I)-(original draft's shorter version; around 1991-1992, Galveston Island, Texas)
ONE HEART
BROKE SLOWLY
LIKE FALLING LEAVES
THE OTHER
SHOOK COLDLY
YET CLUNG
TO THE TREE
HERE LATE
IN THE SEASON
OF THEIR
NATURAL FALL
WITH WINTER S
DEEP CLOSURE
NOW SOON
COMING ON
TOO SOON
CLOSING IN
ON US ALL
Published 26th Mar 2013
| Edited 18th Oct 2024
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
26th Mar 2013 7:17pm
one heart
broke apart slowly
like falling leaves
the other
shivered boldly
as it clung
to the tree
I reworded to show my thoughts of a way to bring firmness into this piece.
broke apart slowly
like falling leaves
the other
shivered boldly
as it clung
to the tree
I reworded to show my thoughts of a way to bring firmness into this piece.
or
one heart
breaks apart slowly
like falling leaves
another
shivers boldly
as it clings
to a tree
This gives the work immediacy.
It also lets the title function in an encompassing manner.
one heart
breaks apart slowly
like falling leaves
another
shivers boldly
as it clings
to a tree
This gives the work immediacy.
It also lets the title function in an encompassing manner.
27th Mar 2013 2:22am
I personally like the simplicity of it...very direct and dire ..it has a good voice to it ...good job
27th Mar 2013 4:53am
Thank you Philip, that's a kind & much appreciated bit of relief to hear, esp. after some of the comments my poems seem to be eliciting, but then again, I'm the one who keeps selecting the - "Author requests only 'HONEST' critiques." option, so I guess as long as I keep doing that, then I'm literally, really asking for it!... but it's all good & fun!... Thanks again for your response!
~ O.I.N.
~ O.I.N.
Anonymous
31st Oct 2013 4:54pm
<< post removed >>
4th Nov 2013 5:06pm
