Pain in Apathy

Each event familiar, always imminent, always lingers,
The same reaction simulated until interest can be faked no more,
A constant barrage of associates and society prodding with fingers,
Used to bottle up frustration then unleash it, now it just stays and rots my core,
Every event, big or small, affects me identically, general indifference, pretentious disgust,
Self-loathing, yet selfish beyond reason, a hypocrite condemning, with universal distrust,
A glass of milk spilled,
Or a bulled in the head,
Both equally unfortunate,
All my views disproportionate,
I found a man killed,
I lived his life dead,
Feeling trapped, yet seeing a clear escape and choosing not to take it,
Repeating words to the speaker you didn’t hear, to let him think you’re really there,
Smiling when you see smiles, nodding, saying ‘yeah’, laughing is good trick,
Makes people think that you still feel, still understand, still know how to care,
I miss fear, I miss dread, for I knew them longer than happiness and joy,
I miss all emotions and actions, the idea of a future, I miss that silly little boy,
The quintessential traits of a suicidal man,
Mundane whining of a man without a plan,
But I want to live, oh how I want to live.