deepundergroundpoetry.com
The She That Was Never Loved
She sat in a chair, alone in
the room. Her head was cocked
to one side.
Her eyes were glazed over with
her pitiful view; through the window
she couldn't see the light.
Her heart beat steady beneath her
breast. Her hair fell freely in plastic
locks.
The only sound that bit her ears
was the eery, malevolant tocks of
the clock.
Her hands were scathed and disfigured.
But yours would be too; if you had to
go through the things that poor She
has had to do.
She sat in a chair, alone in her gloom.
This small place was her prison.
And though her pain filled the room;
life is never meant to be lived in.
the room. Her head was cocked
to one side.
Her eyes were glazed over with
her pitiful view; through the window
she couldn't see the light.
Her heart beat steady beneath her
breast. Her hair fell freely in plastic
locks.
The only sound that bit her ears
was the eery, malevolant tocks of
the clock.
Her hands were scathed and disfigured.
But yours would be too; if you had to
go through the things that poor She
has had to do.
She sat in a chair, alone in her gloom.
This small place was her prison.
And though her pain filled the room;
life is never meant to be lived in.
Published 22nd Sep 2010
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likes 2
reading list entries 1
comments 15
reads 1055
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The author encourages honest critique.
22nd Sep 2010 1:05am
This is a rather odd poem for me. I dont really quite know where all this 'I hate myself' stuff is coming from but, there it is, lol. This is also based on one of my dreams I have had recently, it was just as odd as my last one but much more....odd. Well, I hope you enjoy and as always comments and critiquing are my favorites. Thanks. ~ Jade
22nd Sep 2010 2:56am
didn't really expect the depth that you reached here
"She sat in a chair, alone in
the room. Her head was cocked
to one side.
Her eyes were glazed over with
her pitiful view; through the window
she couldn't see the light.
Her heart beat steady beneath her
breast. Her hair fell freely in plastic
locks.
The only sound that bit her ears
was the eery, malevolant tocks of
the clock. "
That was so vivid with darkness and absence, I was completely absorbed into the mood. I believe the follow up to these lines were misguided somewhat into too deep a self gloom as opposed to the original orientation of abstract concepts overwhelming the scene better depicting your personal feelings than when you actually shifted the focus onto "The She" directly.
Awesome writing, shows great promise, keep writing
"She sat in a chair, alone in
the room. Her head was cocked
to one side.
Her eyes were glazed over with
her pitiful view; through the window
she couldn't see the light.
Her heart beat steady beneath her
breast. Her hair fell freely in plastic
locks.
The only sound that bit her ears
was the eery, malevolant tocks of
the clock. "
That was so vivid with darkness and absence, I was completely absorbed into the mood. I believe the follow up to these lines were misguided somewhat into too deep a self gloom as opposed to the original orientation of abstract concepts overwhelming the scene better depicting your personal feelings than when you actually shifted the focus onto "The She" directly.
Awesome writing, shows great promise, keep writing
22nd Sep 2010 3:01am
Thanks. I am glad I managed to capture you with the depth of this piece. :D No worries, I definitely will keep writing. ;)
22nd Sep 2010 6:21am
I also feel your first four stanzas here draw me into the scene, or pull the scene around me. And the last two lines are a perfect ending.
22nd Sep 2010 6:26am
I took a bit of you guys' advice and fixed it up a bit, I hope it looks better. :P Thanks for reading. :D
22nd Sep 2010 3:57pm
I am a sucker for dark romance, so from my perspective, this seems like dark romance. The She That Was Never Loved is like a love-hate relationship with yourself. your details are oddly used but the effect is resounding, and the rhythm is smooth, although it doesn't seem so how it is written. (at first sight) overall, it is profound.
22nd Sep 2010 8:45pm
Yes, it definitely has a romancey touch to it, thanks for noticing. :D I'm thankful that you like it. :)
22nd Sep 2010 7:04pm
22nd Sep 2010 8:46pm
Thanks Glenn, I appreciate it. The last two lines were a little difficult to sum up but I am glad I chose these two; they seem to have been a good idea. :D Thanks again. :)
22nd Sep 2010 10:09pm
22nd Sep 2010 11:49pm
Thanks, I am so glad you found what you adore here. :D Thanks for the read, comment, and add. I luvs it! ^_^
10th Oct 2010 6:56am
such a unique poem it took me a while to get because of ite depthness but amazing none the less
16th Oct 2010 4:12pm
It shows her scorn and the imagery regarding her hair, her hands, even the room was wonderfully achieved. I really enjoyed this piece. Well done.
16th Oct 2010 10:04pm
13th Apr 2012 8:53pm
This is amazing!!!!!!!!!! You've only really described very little, but the depth and descrete sadness comes through in such a vivid way!!!!!!!!!!
