deepundergroundpoetry.com
(Unfinished)What If?
Sucks being up like this rumbling through your thoughts
Trying hard to express yourself to a person who's instincts and feelings are going to war
And her pride won't let her admit that she's hurting inside
The person who she thought she could trust showed colors of lies n deceit
Unworthy of her time.
My words taken as poison as if my intentions were the same as a con-artist.
No game being run nor played
Everything said is sincere
Physical attributes isn't what has you on my mind
But its whats inside your mind that has me wanting to know more.
What if?
Trying hard to express yourself to a person who's instincts and feelings are going to war
And her pride won't let her admit that she's hurting inside
The person who she thought she could trust showed colors of lies n deceit
Unworthy of her time.
My words taken as poison as if my intentions were the same as a con-artist.
No game being run nor played
Everything said is sincere
Physical attributes isn't what has you on my mind
But its whats inside your mind that has me wanting to know more.
What if?
Published 11th Mar 2013
| Edited 14th Mar 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 0
comments 9
reads 723
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
12th Mar 2013 2:57am
I really like the open ended ness of this...
leaving more to be though/or written about...
this is a great start....now keep going
I can tell there is much more in side of you!
xoxo
Fire
leaving more to be though/or written about...
this is a great start....now keep going
I can tell there is much more in side of you!
xoxo
Fire
12th Mar 2013 2:33pm
feels a bit awkward,maybe'prosaic', but a good start to start
good with
good with
13th Mar 2013 1:51am
Nice startup! I'd love to check back in when it's fully complete... Welcome to DU!
Anonymous
13th Mar 2013 2:22am
[The person who she thought she could trust showed colors of lies n deceit
Unworthy of her time.
His words taken as poison as if his intentions were the same as a con-artist.
No game being run nor played
Everything said is sincere
Physical attributes isn't what has you on my mind
But its whats inside your mind that has me wanting to know more. ]
Intriguing! A little confused at the transition from "his words" to "on my mind"; maybe a break would help clarify who is being written about? Still - this has the hook - I'd like to see what happens next too. & yes, welcome to the DU.
Unworthy of her time.
His words taken as poison as if his intentions were the same as a con-artist.
No game being run nor played
Everything said is sincere
Physical attributes isn't what has you on my mind
But its whats inside your mind that has me wanting to know more. ]
Intriguing! A little confused at the transition from "his words" to "on my mind"; maybe a break would help clarify who is being written about? Still - this has the hook - I'd like to see what happens next too. & yes, welcome to the DU.
14th Mar 2013 6:50am
14th Mar 2013 8:07am
Its not a bad start.
Id try to mod it up a bit
Make short lines. Sweet and simple but with enough wording to get it across.
I dont really know.
But i like where it is heading.
Great start.
Would love to read it when it is finished
Maybe the beginning could be
"its a challenge
Sorting through the thoughts
Figuring out a way to express myself
Without her taking aim
And shooting it down"
Just a thought.
Im not a pro at this or anything.
(:
Keep it up!
Id try to mod it up a bit
Make short lines. Sweet and simple but with enough wording to get it across.
I dont really know.
But i like where it is heading.
Great start.
Would love to read it when it is finished
Maybe the beginning could be
"its a challenge
Sorting through the thoughts
Figuring out a way to express myself
Without her taking aim
And shooting it down"
Just a thought.
Im not a pro at this or anything.
(:
Keep it up!
Anonymous
14th Mar 2013 8:56am
your words flow naturally and effortlessly. keep it up bud.
14th Mar 2013 9:38pm
21st Mar 2013 3:33am
