This Isn't Me.

I cannot stop.
Cannot stop the burning desire
As it climbs up my soul
Like ivy upon the sideboards
Of a house long abandoned.

I never wanted to be this girl.
This girl with no control,
Drowning in a river of self-imprisonment,
Simultaneously losing hope and ambition,
Giving up and giving in to the bottle.

This girl is not me.
Not me, no,
Yet as her knees give out it is my cheek
That slams against the cold, hard porcelain
Of the rest stop toilet.

I desperately search –
Search for a way out of this head
That strangles my very existence,
Shaking and shivering my bones
For a drop of liquid destruction.

Standing in the mirror I watch –
Watch myself shatter like a window
In the moment it gets smashed by a rock.
I cup my hands and splash my face with water,
But nothing can wash away the shame.

The mind is a poison,
A poison so strong it will paralyze
Your will to thrive,
Like the death blow
Of a black widow’s bite.

And I can’t be sure anymore -
Can’t be sure that I am alive.
The only thing I feel
Is the clench of fatal addiction
Consuming my power to be.