deepundergroundpoetry.com
drain the lake
drain the lake (revised)
i drove up to Austin from Killeen last night to see a waitress i know.
i probably should have called first but than i would not have been able to observe the animal in it's natural surroundings.
The rain fell in sideways drops that prolonged the usually easy, short drive.
Even with the sweet stink of menthol cigarettes and quite pure, purple meth stinging my nostrils, i could still sense her seductive odor of fried food, cheap perfume and infidelity.
A slow roll of the window brings a chill.
Turn up the radio. Yeah! The pixies "where is my mind"!
i am not alone....
i hope she likes my freshly shaved head.
i practiced in the mirror for hours earlier.
Repeating over and over.
Re writing and editing the proper way to express my love.
If it ever ends it should have never began.
_____________
|7.95 |
| + tax |
| |
| |
|_ xoxo |
alicia :)
Adorns the bottom of my thin, wrinkled reciept. So worn i could probably use to roll tobacco.
If need be.
The way she seduced me after a slice of coblar and 15 cups of coffee.
Maybe it was because i tip well....
Maybe my boyish face and shy like demeanor.
Possibly the way her empty gaze met mine like the collision of 2 stars on the galaxy's event horizon.
From the dimly lit parking lot i observe the arrival of her pharmacist.
A middle aged African American gentleman sporting a fine leather jacket and shiny chain i suspect is expensive.
He seats himself in the rear booth and orders the chicken fried steak with no beverage.
Minutes later he requests the check.
He pays Alicia directly.
She brings his change, giving him 100 dollars more than he handed her in the first place.
"You didn't like your food sir?"
"lost my appetite" he rudely replies and exits....
She pulls the uneaten plate, retrieving her medicine from under, the insecurity,i hate myself and i wanna die, so tired of my skin crawling, remedy from beneath.
i love her so much because she is just like me.
Her shift ends shortly and i can barely wait.
She counts her tips and heads to the restroom for a fix.
Then and only then, happily gives a portion to the busboy and heads to her vehicle.............
There is a body of water nearby that glistens so well in the moonlight on the way to her trailer park home.
She leaves, but before i begin to follow i circle the parking lot just to ensure no one will interfere with this well planned evening rendezvous we are about to indulge in.
As we approach the left turn next to that beautiful body of water, i pass on the right and slightly clip her front fender.
She spins to the shoulder, hits her head on the steering wheel and is left unconscious.
i remove her from the vehicle and upon her awakening,
i place my damp handkerchief over her mouth and nostrils.
Sweet chloroform.
Those few short breaths must be bliss.
The previously constructed, makeshift watercraft to the other side fits her perfectly.
i've done well with this one.
i light the floating funeral pyre and wish her away.
She is perfect.
Angelic.
Glowing for the first time in yrs.
Much more than her 3 predecessors.
i adore you Alicia.
This is my truth.
Such the gift i give and the favors i've done.
If they ever drain this lake,
they will find it full of my love............
i drove up to Austin from Killeen last night to see a waitress i know.
i probably should have called first but than i would not have been able to observe the animal in it's natural surroundings.
The rain fell in sideways drops that prolonged the usually easy, short drive.
Even with the sweet stink of menthol cigarettes and quite pure, purple meth stinging my nostrils, i could still sense her seductive odor of fried food, cheap perfume and infidelity.
A slow roll of the window brings a chill.
Turn up the radio. Yeah! The pixies "where is my mind"!
i am not alone....
i hope she likes my freshly shaved head.
i practiced in the mirror for hours earlier.
Repeating over and over.
Re writing and editing the proper way to express my love.
If it ever ends it should have never began.
_____________
|7.95 |
| + tax |
| |
| |
|_ xoxo |
alicia :)
Adorns the bottom of my thin, wrinkled reciept. So worn i could probably use to roll tobacco.
If need be.
The way she seduced me after a slice of coblar and 15 cups of coffee.
Maybe it was because i tip well....
Maybe my boyish face and shy like demeanor.
Possibly the way her empty gaze met mine like the collision of 2 stars on the galaxy's event horizon.
From the dimly lit parking lot i observe the arrival of her pharmacist.
A middle aged African American gentleman sporting a fine leather jacket and shiny chain i suspect is expensive.
He seats himself in the rear booth and orders the chicken fried steak with no beverage.
Minutes later he requests the check.
He pays Alicia directly.
She brings his change, giving him 100 dollars more than he handed her in the first place.
"You didn't like your food sir?"
"lost my appetite" he rudely replies and exits....
She pulls the uneaten plate, retrieving her medicine from under, the insecurity,i hate myself and i wanna die, so tired of my skin crawling, remedy from beneath.
i love her so much because she is just like me.
Her shift ends shortly and i can barely wait.
She counts her tips and heads to the restroom for a fix.
Then and only then, happily gives a portion to the busboy and heads to her vehicle.............
There is a body of water nearby that glistens so well in the moonlight on the way to her trailer park home.
She leaves, but before i begin to follow i circle the parking lot just to ensure no one will interfere with this well planned evening rendezvous we are about to indulge in.
As we approach the left turn next to that beautiful body of water, i pass on the right and slightly clip her front fender.
She spins to the shoulder, hits her head on the steering wheel and is left unconscious.
i remove her from the vehicle and upon her awakening,
i place my damp handkerchief over her mouth and nostrils.
Sweet chloroform.
Those few short breaths must be bliss.
The previously constructed, makeshift watercraft to the other side fits her perfectly.
i've done well with this one.
i light the floating funeral pyre and wish her away.
She is perfect.
Angelic.
Glowing for the first time in yrs.
Much more than her 3 predecessors.
i adore you Alicia.
This is my truth.
Such the gift i give and the favors i've done.
If they ever drain this lake,
they will find it full of my love............
Published 22nd Feb 2013
| Edited 23rd Feb 2013
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 1
comments 10
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The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
22nd Feb 2013 3:41am
Liked it jr
strider
strider
22nd Feb 2013 5:49pm
22nd Feb 2013 4:08pm
Mr. Rot
I have a comp I am trying to figure out how to award trophies for today, not to mention schoolwork, laundry, getting my son's college stuff organized, and getting "pizza night" together. (As Uley says " You have a job... Us!" lol)
So... I wanted to stop by and let you know I have read this twice now, and I should be able to have a crit for you by Monday. I am not going to rip you to shreds. There is no need to. You have some good ideas here. They simply need cleaned up, and tightened up more than anything. I will get into the specifics later ok ? Be patient with me :)
I have a comp I am trying to figure out how to award trophies for today, not to mention schoolwork, laundry, getting my son's college stuff organized, and getting "pizza night" together. (As Uley says " You have a job... Us!" lol)
So... I wanted to stop by and let you know I have read this twice now, and I should be able to have a crit for you by Monday. I am not going to rip you to shreds. There is no need to. You have some good ideas here. They simply need cleaned up, and tightened up more than anything. I will get into the specifics later ok ? Be patient with me :)
22nd Feb 2013 10:59pm
22nd Feb 2013 8:36pm
25th Feb 2013 3:03pm
i drove up to Austin from Killeen last night to see a waitress i know.
i probably should have called first but than i would not have been able to observe the animal in it's natural surroundings.
( Let's take these two opening lines and swap them. This will give you more of a carrot for the reader to follow, entice their curiosity a bit more. I am going to do some slight editing to further your suggestion of “jungle” which I think might be one of the underlying “images” you want to lace through this.)
*I probably should have called first but than I would not have been able to observe the animal in it's natural habitat. Austin is a particular kind of jungle, I thought, as I drove away from my own neck of woods, Killeen Texas.*
(This would be a great place to clarify the differences in the two, nothing extremely in depth, as well as using those”differences” to show the differences between you, and her.)
The rain fell in sideways drops that prolonged the usually easy, short drive.
( Unless you reword this Hun, it really doesn't hold a lot of relevance, and your next line is far more interesting.)
Even with the sweet stink of menthol cigarettes and quite pure, purple meth stinging my nostrils, i could still sense her seductive odor of fried food, cheap perfume and infidelity.
( Love “sweet stink” It falls in very well with the following line. In your next I would suggest instead of “perfume, and infidelity” something along the lines of musk, and mating habits. It falls in well with your previous paragraph, and maintains your image. )
A slow roll of the window brings a chill.
( This might be a good place to incorporate your “rain” line Mr. Rot. )
Turn up the radio. Yeah! The pixies "where is my mind"!
i am not alone....
i hope she likes my freshly shaved head.
i practiced in the mirror for hours earlier.
Repeating over and over.
Re writing and editing the proper way to express my love.
( This is the part of that seems a bit muddled to me. While you have some great descriptives in here that hint at the story, there are not enough to produce a smooth ride Mr. Rot. This is definitely a section in need of deep editing, and fleshing out.)
7.95
+ tax
_ xoxo alicia :)
Adorns the bottom of my thin, wrinkled receipt. So worn i could probably use to roll tobacco.
If need be.
The way she seduced me after a slice of cobbler and 15 cups of coffee.
Maybe it was because i tip well....
Maybe my boyish face and shy like demeanor.
Possibly the way her empty gaze met mine like the collision of 2 stars on the galaxy's event horizon.
( Is this a past experience with her, or one you are having at that moment ? In which case you kinda made a mighty jump there in story line. Also the other thing to consider is the lack of detail as well as jumping into a different metaphor “collision of 2 stars on the galaxy's event horizon.” You wanna maintain your metaphor Mr. Rot. )
From the dimly lit parking lot i observe the arrival of her pharmacist.
A middle aged African American gentleman sporting a fine leather jacket and shiny chain i suspect is expensive.
He seats himself in the rear booth and orders the chicken fried steak with no beverage.
Minutes later he requests the check.
He pays Alicia directly.
She brings his change, giving him 100 dollars more than he handed her in the first place.
"You didn't like your food sir?"
"lost my appetite" he rudely replies and exits....
( I am liking this paragraph. It lights the room up so to speak, gives me insights to this central character, and helps engage the reader as to whys, and hows, and such. This would also be a good place to extend that metaphor I mentioned earlier, maintaining an over all picture.
Example - “A middle aged African American gentleman sporting a fine leather jacket and shiny chain i suspect is expensive.”
An older African American of this territory, with fine leathers, and status gold
The change “suggests” the jungle metaphor in a tribal sense with out taking it completely over the top. )
She pulls the uneaten plate, retrieving her medicine from under, the insecurity,i hate myself and i wanna die, so tired of my skin crawling, remedy from beneath.
( The same can be done here as well. I personally would shorten your descriptive here also. The “skin crawling” appeals to me the most)
i love her so much because she is just like me.
Her shift ends shortly and i can barely wait.
She counts her tips and heads to the restroom for a fix.
Then and only then, happily gives a portion to the busboy and heads to her vehicle.............
( Although this is a necessary part of writing, giving detail, and thereby more depth to the piece, I am thinking it could use a little doctoring to have it fall more in line with an over all theme, following suggestions I have already laid down.)
There is a body of water nearby that glistens so well in the moonlight on the way to her trailer park home.
She leaves, but before i begin to follow i circle the parking lot just to ensure no one will interfere with this well planned evening rendezvous we are about to indulge in.
As we approach the left turn next to that beautiful body of water, i pass on the right and slightly clip her front fender.
She spins to the shoulder, hits her head on the steering wheel and is left unconscious.
i remove her from the vehicle and upon her awakening,
i place my damp handkerchief over her mouth and nostrils.
( For me this is the unveiling of the “motive” as well as the twist in plot. My only nits here are pretty much the same as elsewhere Mr. Rot, a maintaining of an over all theme, as well letting your descriptives lend to some insights concerning the characters.)
Sweet chloroform.
Those few short breaths must be bliss.
The previously constructed, makeshift watercraft to the other side fits her perfectly.
i've done well with this one.
( Same deal here Hun. You are telling me , but you are also not telling me. Reading is an experience in terms of the reader. This is why it is often said show, not tell. By showing, you are creating images the reader can enter into through sense of smell, sight, sound, etc. This needs to be explored more in your writing I believe. )
i light the floating funeral pyre and wish her away.
She is perfect.
Angelic.
Glowing for the first time in yrs.
Much more than her 3 predecessors.
i adore you Alicia.
This is truly love.
Such the gift i give and the favors i've done.
If they ever drain this lake,
they will find it full of my love............
( Your last stanza is almost poetic in nature, which in my opinion is a great way to end this. What you are missing here though, and in several sections is that WHY factor. As suggested before, a great way to incorporate the whys is through the actions. There are other ways to do this, but the one suggested seems simplest to me. )
Over all views -
Right now I would suggest these things in terms of writing improvements in general.
1. Establish some clear cut “personality” traits of your characters ( that why factor)
2. Let your words work on multiple levels. When you read, you can often read a scene at face value, only to think about it later, and realize the author was giving you a story behind a story. Though more so a fundamental tenet in poetry, it also works quite well in prose also, and creates that densely packed forest(so to speak) the reader can walk through and experience. Don't think that even with brevity of words you prefer Mr. Rot, this can not be done. It can. It simply needs to be thought out, and well conceived.
3.Allow yourself more room to breath Mr. Rot. Through this piece I sensed a very tight control. It works somewhat to your advantage here in terms of mood, so I am not suggesting you eliminate it all together. It is more along the lines of being aware of it, and exploiting it to your advantage as opposed to letting it control you .
That is all I have for now. I suspect if a dialogue progresses, I will have more to say. But these are a good place to start. :)
You have a good piece of work here Mr. Rot, most certainly worthy of more work, and revision in my opinion.
i probably should have called first but than i would not have been able to observe the animal in it's natural surroundings.
( Let's take these two opening lines and swap them. This will give you more of a carrot for the reader to follow, entice their curiosity a bit more. I am going to do some slight editing to further your suggestion of “jungle” which I think might be one of the underlying “images” you want to lace through this.)
*I probably should have called first but than I would not have been able to observe the animal in it's natural habitat. Austin is a particular kind of jungle, I thought, as I drove away from my own neck of woods, Killeen Texas.*
(This would be a great place to clarify the differences in the two, nothing extremely in depth, as well as using those”differences” to show the differences between you, and her.)
The rain fell in sideways drops that prolonged the usually easy, short drive.
( Unless you reword this Hun, it really doesn't hold a lot of relevance, and your next line is far more interesting.)
Even with the sweet stink of menthol cigarettes and quite pure, purple meth stinging my nostrils, i could still sense her seductive odor of fried food, cheap perfume and infidelity.
( Love “sweet stink” It falls in very well with the following line. In your next I would suggest instead of “perfume, and infidelity” something along the lines of musk, and mating habits. It falls in well with your previous paragraph, and maintains your image. )
A slow roll of the window brings a chill.
( This might be a good place to incorporate your “rain” line Mr. Rot. )
Turn up the radio. Yeah! The pixies "where is my mind"!
i am not alone....
i hope she likes my freshly shaved head.
i practiced in the mirror for hours earlier.
Repeating over and over.
Re writing and editing the proper way to express my love.
( This is the part of that seems a bit muddled to me. While you have some great descriptives in here that hint at the story, there are not enough to produce a smooth ride Mr. Rot. This is definitely a section in need of deep editing, and fleshing out.)
Adorns the bottom of my thin, wrinkled receipt. So worn i could probably use to roll tobacco.
If need be.
The way she seduced me after a slice of cobbler and 15 cups of coffee.
Maybe it was because i tip well....
Maybe my boyish face and shy like demeanor.
Possibly the way her empty gaze met mine like the collision of 2 stars on the galaxy's event horizon.
( Is this a past experience with her, or one you are having at that moment ? In which case you kinda made a mighty jump there in story line. Also the other thing to consider is the lack of detail as well as jumping into a different metaphor “collision of 2 stars on the galaxy's event horizon.” You wanna maintain your metaphor Mr. Rot. )
From the dimly lit parking lot i observe the arrival of her pharmacist.
A middle aged African American gentleman sporting a fine leather jacket and shiny chain i suspect is expensive.
He seats himself in the rear booth and orders the chicken fried steak with no beverage.
Minutes later he requests the check.
He pays Alicia directly.
She brings his change, giving him 100 dollars more than he handed her in the first place.
"You didn't like your food sir?"
"lost my appetite" he rudely replies and exits....
( I am liking this paragraph. It lights the room up so to speak, gives me insights to this central character, and helps engage the reader as to whys, and hows, and such. This would also be a good place to extend that metaphor I mentioned earlier, maintaining an over all picture.
Example - “A middle aged African American gentleman sporting a fine leather jacket and shiny chain i suspect is expensive.”
An older African American of this territory, with fine leathers, and status gold
The change “suggests” the jungle metaphor in a tribal sense with out taking it completely over the top. )
She pulls the uneaten plate, retrieving her medicine from under, the insecurity,i hate myself and i wanna die, so tired of my skin crawling, remedy from beneath.
( The same can be done here as well. I personally would shorten your descriptive here also. The “skin crawling” appeals to me the most)
i love her so much because she is just like me.
Her shift ends shortly and i can barely wait.
She counts her tips and heads to the restroom for a fix.
Then and only then, happily gives a portion to the busboy and heads to her vehicle.............
( Although this is a necessary part of writing, giving detail, and thereby more depth to the piece, I am thinking it could use a little doctoring to have it fall more in line with an over all theme, following suggestions I have already laid down.)
There is a body of water nearby that glistens so well in the moonlight on the way to her trailer park home.
She leaves, but before i begin to follow i circle the parking lot just to ensure no one will interfere with this well planned evening rendezvous we are about to indulge in.
As we approach the left turn next to that beautiful body of water, i pass on the right and slightly clip her front fender.
She spins to the shoulder, hits her head on the steering wheel and is left unconscious.
i remove her from the vehicle and upon her awakening,
i place my damp handkerchief over her mouth and nostrils.
( For me this is the unveiling of the “motive” as well as the twist in plot. My only nits here are pretty much the same as elsewhere Mr. Rot, a maintaining of an over all theme, as well letting your descriptives lend to some insights concerning the characters.)
Sweet chloroform.
Those few short breaths must be bliss.
The previously constructed, makeshift watercraft to the other side fits her perfectly.
i've done well with this one.
( Same deal here Hun. You are telling me , but you are also not telling me. Reading is an experience in terms of the reader. This is why it is often said show, not tell. By showing, you are creating images the reader can enter into through sense of smell, sight, sound, etc. This needs to be explored more in your writing I believe. )
i light the floating funeral pyre and wish her away.
She is perfect.
Angelic.
Glowing for the first time in yrs.
Much more than her 3 predecessors.
i adore you Alicia.
This is truly love.
Such the gift i give and the favors i've done.
If they ever drain this lake,
they will find it full of my love............
( Your last stanza is almost poetic in nature, which in my opinion is a great way to end this. What you are missing here though, and in several sections is that WHY factor. As suggested before, a great way to incorporate the whys is through the actions. There are other ways to do this, but the one suggested seems simplest to me. )
Over all views -
Right now I would suggest these things in terms of writing improvements in general.
1. Establish some clear cut “personality” traits of your characters ( that why factor)
2. Let your words work on multiple levels. When you read, you can often read a scene at face value, only to think about it later, and realize the author was giving you a story behind a story. Though more so a fundamental tenet in poetry, it also works quite well in prose also, and creates that densely packed forest(so to speak) the reader can walk through and experience. Don't think that even with brevity of words you prefer Mr. Rot, this can not be done. It can. It simply needs to be thought out, and well conceived.
3.Allow yourself more room to breath Mr. Rot. Through this piece I sensed a very tight control. It works somewhat to your advantage here in terms of mood, so I am not suggesting you eliminate it all together. It is more along the lines of being aware of it, and exploiting it to your advantage as opposed to letting it control you .
That is all I have for now. I suspect if a dialogue progresses, I will have more to say. But these are a good place to start. :)
You have a good piece of work here Mr. Rot, most certainly worthy of more work, and revision in my opinion.
25th Feb 2013 6:36pm
thank you very much miss maggie for your time and thoughtful critique.
i intentionally wrote a bit "jumpy" and did not capitalize the "I's" as to show the low self esteem and sporadic mindset of this main character cuz it's from his point of view. i wanted to write the next portion from a diff character's point of view like an enviromental worker taking water and soil samples near the lake with a tighter gripped ,more concise analytical style. using all proper punctuation spelling etc.... i def feel and appreciate all you have given me here. i will now revise again and hopefully if you have some time you could give another look or maybe the next portion....
thank you very much miss maggie. i really need the "honest critique" here and not just fuckaroo smily faces.
thanx so much again mam......
i intentionally wrote a bit "jumpy" and did not capitalize the "I's" as to show the low self esteem and sporadic mindset of this main character cuz it's from his point of view. i wanted to write the next portion from a diff character's point of view like an enviromental worker taking water and soil samples near the lake with a tighter gripped ,more concise analytical style. using all proper punctuation spelling etc.... i def feel and appreciate all you have given me here. i will now revise again and hopefully if you have some time you could give another look or maybe the next portion....
thank you very much miss maggie. i really need the "honest critique" here and not just fuckaroo smily faces.
thanx so much again mam......
Anonymous
14th Mar 2013 11:11pm
Nothing really says love
like a handkerchief soaked in chloroform.
Wonderful read.
like a handkerchief soaked in chloroform.
Wonderful read.
24th Mar 2013 7:50am
this is gritty!!!
I dig this immensely!!!
but I'm still leaving a fuckaroo smiley face :)
I dig this immensely!!!
but I'm still leaving a fuckaroo smiley face :)
