Still breathing

 I sit alone tonight in the midst of ashes
relationships, burnt offerings to the god of survival
Pain seems unlivable but here I sit still breathing
Did the offerings have to be burnt
Did i have to become this primal being rapping and pillaging to survive
It felt so at the time but here I sit still breathing
So now that the ones I sacrificed are not here
I sit alone but I am still breathing
Damaged lives all around me son, daughter, wives past, siblings and parent 
Parts of their lives lost in my burnt offerings, but here I sit still breathing
I want to move beyond survival, I don't know how 
So in the ash I will sit still breathing
I wonder if the problem is,.....I am still breathing