The Darkness I Fight

i’ve no choice but to answer when darkness calls me
i may cower and hide but it never leaves me be

sometimes unexpected, it rears an ugly head
and i cringe when i hear it, filling quickly with dread

so quietly, so softly, it whispers my name
tells me once more it is time for our game

old and familiar, the game never changes
just over and over the same hurtful exchanges

though i fight with my darkness again and again
the results seldom vary, it’s as it always has been

the darkness i fight speaks with the voice of another
the one i never could please, the voice of my mother

“you screw up everything! why can’t you be better?
you know you are worthless. why act like you’re clever?

people tell you you’re talented? they don’t really mean it
they’re just being nice, go on and admit it. ”

no, i’ll never amount to a god damned thing
and though they’re just in my head, her words still sting

i try hard to ignore her, try to not hear her voice
but sometimes it’s so loud i’ve no other choice

i whimper softly as i fight back my tears
i don’t want to give into self doubt and fears

i want to scream back “this is my gift; it is art!
i know it is worthy down deep in my heart!

i am talented, smart, and beautiful too!
i know i am all those things despite you!”

but the damage was done years ago in my youth
and I bleed from it now no matter the truth

bitter, unforgiving,  always venomous and mad
she neatly destroyed any confidence i had

self-esteem’s destruction, that was her true gift
when she said any goal that i made i would miss

i’d always fall short, never meet expectations
there was no point in having any great aspirations

i try to be strong and carry on anyway
be true to myself,  keep the monster at bay

sometimes i win, sometimes it’s her
sometimes i feel like a hero, sometimes i feel like a cur

i know i cannot give up this battle i fight
i must carry a torch, try to chase back the night

i may never triumph against this darkness inside
but a little more each day the pain does subside

maybe one day, someday, this monster will die
her voice will be silenced and no more will i cry

maybe one day, someday, the darkness will leave
and in myself i’ll finally believe

maybe one day, someday, i will learn to let go
of the insecurity and distrust that cripples me so

maybe one day, someday, i will truly be free
of the darkness she nurtured inside of me