Who am I pt1

At times I lie to myself
To cover up my hindered emotions
Or feelings of Joyful rebuke
If I could mute my heart I would change its channel
This is only a test
But this beep seems as if its going flat
Lined up with my shallowed happiness
I'm the encourager who speaks down
While mentally abusing the feelings of another
How can I speak life
When I myself am not living
How can I motivate
When my motive is controlled by my Holier than thou attitude
I am a man who stands tall on the outside
But i'm falling internally
With no scapegoat because this train is at its last stop
If I could pause time
I might take my life
With an eruption of sweat, blood, and tears
In that order to place order to my earthly life
My lonesome song is now revealed
Peeled from its indisposed conscious
Drawing near to weary
With no frame of stability
An artwork of disaster....
Who am I
A question for those who believe themselves to be someone
I feel otherwise
I'm just a body with its head loose
On the brink of a million pieces
With no strategy to piece this puzzle
Back together
I'm a feather with no spine
With a mind thats a tree with rotten fruit
A solid bark with shattered roots
I cant comply with beatitude
When I reside in lonliness
I look for God when He's standing next to me
I yell at God when He's really listening
I sheltered my true fight in a box so rugged
Even the less fortunate would rest elsewhere
I feel broken...
Who am I does'nt apply to the caring factor
When there are people worse off
I think I hurt more than I help
Or maybe that hurt causes my help to be insufficent
What's behind my smile
The perfect suicide to self
With an overdose of
Regret, Guilt, and Shame
Looks like I partied to long in hates overflow
I stand a bad friend
Who realizes i'm only worth as much as my speech
So I speak clear with no words
Because i'm better off silent
I'm my own adversary
Digging a grave twelve feet
To trap my despiteful shadow beneath my back
I've lost all my inspiration
I feel life less than what my life gets
But more aware from my overwhelming recurrence
This is my current event!!!
I'm boxing in a ring with no rope
So hope lies on my fall to defeat
I would lie if I claimed victory
Because I don't feel it
With these Depleted taste buds
I can't even embrace the backwash of my own tears
Happy or sad
Discernment ran dry
So I cry within
To hide from my confusion
I'm an illusion of pollution
Solicited with damage
WHY WHY WHY
I don't know
Who am I?