deepundergroundpoetry.com
Losing breath and I'm still alive
The air is so thick
It weighs heavy in my lungs
As I start to heave for a deeper breath
I'm running out of time
I'm falling
A picture perfect silhouette
Descending from the sky
Upon the twilight of a glistening ocean
I crash
The horizon breaks upon impact
I start to panic
I don't know where I am
I can't see
The water starts to break my breath
I can't breath, I can't breath....
My limbs flail for something to latch on to
Nothing but weightless liquid
My breath breaks
I have no air
I'm drowning, suffering
My eyes close
They open, as I float calmly on my back.
I can breath again
The twilight is gone
It is replaced by a reflection of the moon
I whisper to myself
"I'm alive..."
The appreciation is unbelievable.
I lay relaxed in the oceans sway
As I look up at the cliff from which I jumped.
It weighs heavy in my lungs
As I start to heave for a deeper breath
I'm running out of time
I'm falling
A picture perfect silhouette
Descending from the sky
Upon the twilight of a glistening ocean
I crash
The horizon breaks upon impact
I start to panic
I don't know where I am
I can't see
The water starts to break my breath
I can't breath, I can't breath....
My limbs flail for something to latch on to
Nothing but weightless liquid
My breath breaks
I have no air
I'm drowning, suffering
My eyes close
They open, as I float calmly on my back.
I can breath again
The twilight is gone
It is replaced by a reflection of the moon
I whisper to myself
"I'm alive..."
The appreciation is unbelievable.
I lay relaxed in the oceans sway
As I look up at the cliff from which I jumped.
Published 14th Jan 2013
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The author encourages honest critique.
Interesting. Pardon me, I'm not quite myself at the moment, but I can see you use "breath" where you could be using "breathe," in the eithghth line of the second stanza, and the last line of the first stanza. Other than that, great piece. Again, excellent use of rhythm, and I will look at it again when I am more um...myself. Um...actually, for the moment, I'd also like to say, in the third from the last line, maybe you shouldn't be quite so passive with that statemnt, as it is quite a powerful statement. Otherwise, great write, and I will be looking at it again, when I am hopefully closer to 100%--maybe sooner.
15th Jan 2013 6:26am
Ok. I'm a bit more myself now. I agree with what I said before, and maybe the first stanza could use a few more commas--just a personal preference maybe though. And in the second stanza you go very quickly from suffering to "floating calmly" on your back. You can go over this again yourself if you want of course, but it seems you've glazed over the whole dying or close-to-dying part to get to the living part more quickly. It's a powerful piece, but I think it goes to abruptly from a state of death to a state of escape-from-death. You don't have enough of death to escape from in this piece. Otherwise, a very powerful piece. Everything else technically perfect, and...I will look once again when I am even more myself...
17th Jan 2013 7:38am
