never ending empty

I drop to my knees  
crying tears of the forlorn  
knowing this  is the legacy I've been left  
 
to put my heart on the line  
on a site full of strangers  
as a testament to the fact of my fucked up childhood  
 
childishly waiting for someone to say "you poor thing"  
for I am truly alone in this  
nothing or no one can ever take it away  
 
I was robbed, robbed of knowing what normal is  
I only know what I've seen on T.V  
watched in others lives, or read about in books  
 
No one can ever know the fear I went through  
the guilt of having to hear my sisters getting it too  
the self hatred for not being strong enough to stop him  
 
not even drugs or alcohol could take away  
the stains  he left on me  
the smell of filth he left with these stains  
 
every day of my childhood was filled  
with cum in my face or on my body  
or the slap slap slapping sounds and smells  
oh god I could puke right now  
the hated smell of vasoline  
my fucking mothers blind eyes  
I hate her as much as him  
i am an empty vessel, all alone in my grief  
 
no one can give back a childhood  
not even god  
no one can help except me  
where was god then huh?  
 
I have to be strong  
Well I'm not.  
I'm just trying to get through life  
without fucking up my own children  
 
I need my meds  
that's something to look forword to innit