Unshed

Atakti,

Marvelous stuff you got going on here, you're playing with words and sounds, sticking them together in a very artsy fashion.

it's a stark image, the cloak. I'd hazard a guess we all have one.



in terms of critique, I dunno if i'd change anything, if you twisted my arm i'd go with this :

on the third stanza,I'd probably keep with the way you have the first two stanzas ie:

I'd reach to unfasten the ties
but it callously choke holds,
murmuring ancient lullabies.

and resolve the poem on the last stanza by sticking a 'so' at the very start.

either way, fkn well written.

Thanks, Craic, much appreciated.  I will think on your suggestions, and come back with a decision.

Cheers.  :)

Love the idea of the poem, especially this line:

I breathe in yesterdays as
black oxygen escapes me.

Wish that I had wrote it,
Well written.

High praise from you, Scribbler, thank you.  :)

Nice write ataki

strider

Thanks, Mr Strider.  :)

I agree with Eamonn Atakti . This sounds beautiful.

Excellent work here Hun :)

Thank you, Maggie, pleased you like it.

Very beautifull written, Ataki, it has a bit of the classical mourning poems, very subtle, this cloak, can feel it almost, a fantastic work!

Strange that you picked up on the idea of mourning - I think you may be right. Thank you for your comment!

Ataki,

This is one of your best and one of the best that I've read here at DUP! Wow, the imagery is perfect, so is the flow.

Mark, thank you very much for your generous feedback. Your words help stir the muse. Much appreciated.

Love the imagery you use to depict those choking feelings Atakti, I get to hang my up cloak more often these days.  Out of choice of course. :)

Well written and expressed work.

And a great choice it is, too. Thanks, Magdalena.  :)

This is very vivid and amazing! Great work.

Blake

Thanks, Blake, great to see you stopping by.  :)