The Monster in Me

The weight of my world
is overwhelming.
An elephant on my chest
I struggle to breathe
I feel pinned to the ground
sinking
deeper
into an abyss
I have created.
Self destructive
Poisonous
Toxic to all around me.
So far beyond second chances
everything I touch
becomes black
necrotic
I am death
to all things sacred.
I have failed
inhuman
a monster
wasting oxygen
stealing life
from those I claim to love.
I think I can change
but I am trapped
incapable
of providing happiness
unsupportive
selfish
disrespectful
undeserving of love.
I have done this
conscious decisions
thinking only of myself.
I am sorry
but those words mean nothing
coming from me
devious
misguided
so afraid to be alone.
Please forgive me
I don't want to cause pain
at the end of my rope
grasping
frantically
for the solidity
of the things I hold dear.
I see the errors
I have made
desperate
to make amends
to be the kind of person
I claim to be.