deepundergroundpoetry.com
Gently gliding Awe Among All the Right Senses
Your gentle touch
Creates a feeling
That only one who has been touched by you
Can feel.
Creates a feeling
That only one who has been touched by you
Can feel.
Published 5th Jan 2013
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The author is looking for friendly feedback.
5th Jan 2013 2:03am
22nd Jan 2013 10:26am
but i see a problem here that i have with my own writing lately: stating things so directly that the poem's not quite original enough to stand out.
if you could take each of these wee lines and reword them into a concept following the title, or making them more personal by detail, it might help the reader connect it to reality vs. vague emotion. what stands out most about the feeling s/he creates? i don't know what stands out most to you, so i'll use a rough example:
Your fingers
wake a beast
whose name is known to none
but you.
I know you asked for friendly feedback on this one, and not critique, but it was the first one that stood out to me as easy to improve on. you can definitely do some good things with this little idea. [:
if you could take each of these wee lines and reword them into a concept following the title, or making them more personal by detail, it might help the reader connect it to reality vs. vague emotion. what stands out most about the feeling s/he creates? i don't know what stands out most to you, so i'll use a rough example:
Your fingers
wake a beast
whose name is known to none
but you.
I know you asked for friendly feedback on this one, and not critique, but it was the first one that stood out to me as easy to improve on. you can definitely do some good things with this little idea. [:
