I'm Drowning (And I'm Sorry)

All of this fucking guilt is eating me up inside.
 
All of it. And I feel like absolute shit.
 
And I'm sorry. I'm just so sorry
 
For making you have to deal with
 
A bitch like me. I feel like I'm hurting you
 
Just by being with you. But I don't want to go.
 
I don't want to leave you.
 
Now, I don't think that I can.
 
And I'm sorry for all the bitching and complaining
 
And for me making fun of you and
 
Calling you things like a "faggot" or whatever.
 
It all just proves that I'm no good for you and I  
 
Don't know why you choose to stay with me.
 
I've been using you like a parasite and heartlessly
 
Sucking out all the joy in you. You should go.
 
You should run away from me as fast as you can.
 
But I don't want you to. I don't want to hurt you,  
 
But I don't think my heart could take you leaving me.
 
Once again, I'm being an indecisive bitch.
 
Once again, I'm just trying to hold on to you
 
When I'm sinking.
 
I'm going under, and I can't take the pain of
 
Taking you with me. I just can't let go of you.
 
This is my desperate attempt to stay alive.
 
To not sink. And I'm just so sorry.
 
Why do you even stay?  I'm sure that by now
 
You must've figured out that I'm not going to
 
Get any better. You can't save me. You can only  
 
Prolong my agony. Nothing you can do could
 
Bring me to peace. I'm NEVER going to be okay.
 
I realize you're just trying to help; just trying
 
To be there for me. And I love you for it, but
 
There is nothing for you here. Nothing.
 
I care about you enough to warn you:
 
I'm as cold and as empty as you can find.
 
And still, you stay. I don't understand why you do.
 
I bring nothing but pain. I wish there was something
 
Left of me for you to save. I'm sorry that I won't just  
 
Walk away from you. There's just some sort of light
 
Inside of you that my heart craves like sweet, sweet
 
Cocaine. And I'll have all of it if you don't stop me  
 
And still not be satisfied. I wish I could stop sinking...
 
But I've been doing it for years now. It's all I

Know. You keep telling me how pretty and perfect
 
You think I am, but it's not true and you know it.
 
I sometimes wish you would stop saying that,
 
Even though it makes me feel a little bit better. It almost
 
Feels like someone cares if I live or die.  
 
I swear to god, if you stay  
 
It will be the end of you.  
 
And the end of you will mean
 
The end of me.
 
A drowning person has no priorities other then
 
Self-preservation.  
 
For that, I'm sorry.