deepundergroundpoetry.com
The Accident
Deserted street in the night
Only you and I driving along
A whispered kiss of love
A feather soft touch of promise
Lights shining so brightly
Black
Flashing lights
Blood
Noise buzzing in my ears like bees
Screaming?
Me, i'm screaming your name
The blood trickles down your head
Crying tears of death
The future shattered by alcohol
Love ripped from me
Like how your life was ripped from you
Pain
Hatred
Numbness
Nothing
Only you and I driving along
A whispered kiss of love
A feather soft touch of promise
Lights shining so brightly
Black
Flashing lights
Blood
Noise buzzing in my ears like bees
Screaming?
Me, i'm screaming your name
The blood trickles down your head
Crying tears of death
The future shattered by alcohol
Love ripped from me
Like how your life was ripped from you
Pain
Hatred
Numbness
Nothing
Published 30th Nov 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
2nd Dec 2012 6:19am
nellul, welcome to the underground.
ok well, what you have here is a reasonable foundation to a good poem.
in my humble opinion stuff needs to be cut out and stuff needs to be put in.
I think, with a write like this, presentation and structure play a part in guiding your reader as to where to pause, stop and so on.
If this were mine, I'd probably go along these lines:
Deserted road in the night
you and I driving alone
whispered words of love
feather soft touch of promise
Lights shining brightly
Blackness
Flashing lights
Blood
Noise ringing in my ears
I'm screaming your name
blood trickles down your head
like tears of death
our future shattered by alcohol
ripped from us
Pain
Hatred
Numbness
Nothing
see, i think that when you go minimal, you might as well go the whole nine yards and cut everything that you don't need. the breaks help the reader to follow your pace and also accentuate the words giving them more power.
I've changed a couple of words here and there to see what you think.
these are merely suggestions and opinions, preferences etc. I hope they helped a little.
good stuff.
ok well, what you have here is a reasonable foundation to a good poem.
in my humble opinion stuff needs to be cut out and stuff needs to be put in.
I think, with a write like this, presentation and structure play a part in guiding your reader as to where to pause, stop and so on.
If this were mine, I'd probably go along these lines:
Deserted road in the night
you and I driving alone
whispered words of love
feather soft touch of promise
Lights shining brightly
Blackness
Flashing lights
Blood
Noise ringing in my ears
I'm screaming your name
blood trickles down your head
like tears of death
our future shattered by alcohol
ripped from us
Pain
Hatred
Numbness
Nothing
see, i think that when you go minimal, you might as well go the whole nine yards and cut everything that you don't need. the breaks help the reader to follow your pace and also accentuate the words giving them more power.
I've changed a couple of words here and there to see what you think.
these are merely suggestions and opinions, preferences etc. I hope they helped a little.
good stuff.
2nd Dec 2012 6:54am
Thankyou for your honesty, i'm new to poetry so i will definately take your words into consideration!
