Nuts to You

The inspiration for this story came from a joke I was told years ago so if the theme sounds familiar my apologies.

Old Tom lived alone but was not lonely. His eighty six years had slowed him in body and to some degree in mind also. In the sheltered accommodation in which he lived he was loved by the other residents for his unceasing helpfulness, cheerfulness and generous disposition. He was an old world gentleman of the best sort.

Tom's warm smile was marred however by a severe lack of teeth even the ones he did possess were just age blackened stumps jutting at improbable angles in his head. Gum disease also made his life difficult and his breath was putrid, most unpleasant. He bore his ailment with patience and resignation Tom’s view on the matter was that there was no point pestering the medical folk at his time of life they had better thing to do with their time. His friends didn’t seem to mind and those who minded didn’t matter was the way Tom thought of it, which was very rarely.

June Porritt was the woman Tom paid to call twice a week to do a little light cleaning and get his heavier shopping. She was a woman in her mid fifties with a large stomach and a florid face. She was married to Robert a husband of twenty five years whom she thought of bitterly as a useless, feckless fool. Her attitude was that If he’d only get a decent job instead of working as a carer she would not have to demean herself doing this kind of mundane work.

June despised the people she worked for because she thought herself above such toil and she despised Tom the most considering him a disgusting old idiot with his ugly teeth and rancid breath. He was always offering her cups of tea whenever she called. As if she’d touch a cup that had been near his stinking mouth she thought yet every time she called he was unfailingly polite and cheerful, always offering tea.

Of the shopping she did for Tom she never brought him any change considering any such 'left over’ cash as her rightful tip, he never mentioned it and never asked to see the shopping bills though privately he worried about out-living his modest savings. June Porritt would rob him and her other vulnerable clients at every opportunity. She told her husband that it was S.P. "Self Preservation?" he queried knowing her sarcastic brand of humour. “Shoppers Privilege” she had said smirking "The damned old fool deserves it; if he’s too soft to ask I’m not going to volunteer."

Robert did not approve of his wife’s attitude and told her so. “You’ll steal your own poison one of these days” was the way he expressed it but she had only sneered at him and said he was a fool from the same mould as Tom.

Although June would never drink from a cup in Tom’s house her contempt for him did not extend to any sweets and biscuits he kept for his grandchildren's visits and she helped herself greedily as she vacuumed and dusted. She was particularly fond of the Brazil nuts he always kept in a bowl on the sideboard and helped herself liberally. She often wondered why the old fool had Brazil nuts when he had no teeth, oh well she thought his loss was her gain and stuck a large handful in her pocket for later.

It was December now and the Christmas holiday was almost upon them June was calling for the last time before the break. She grudgingly gave Tom a cheap Christmas card and wished him merry Christmas with no real feeling. Tom was in a more ebullient mood than usual, full of the Christmas spirit. “Now June” he had told her with a huge smile “Don’t you be doing any cleaning today. I’ve got a bit of a present for you" he told her. With that he handed her an expensive card with a twenty pound note in it. “It’s not much” he said “just a little thank you for all your hard work. Now you’ve mentioned in the past that you like gin and tonic and I like one myself on special occasions so why don’t you pour us both one." He pointed smiling at the sideboard where a new bottle of Gordon’s and two glasses stood.
  
June hesitated for a moment then thought why not? He never uses those glasses and anyway gin and tonic was her very favourite tipple. “Oh well er.. Thanks Tom I will.” As she poured them both a drink she noticed a large bag of Brazil nuts behind the gin bottle. Daft old bugger she thought but turned towards him forcing a smile. “Well cheers then, happy Christmas Tom” “Happy Christmas June” he smiled displaying the much hated teeth, then stepped towards her to touch glasses. His fetid breath wafted over her and she winced involuntarily but covered it by quickly  swallowing her drink in one greedy gulp.

”Well Tom I must be going, lot’s to do yet” she said briskly as she moved towards the front door, anxious to be away from this hated old git. ”Oh right-ho” he replied cheerfully then: “Oh dear, I almost forgot I got these Brazil nuts for you. I noticed you like them from the amount you eat when you’re here.” June looked slightly embarrassed “Oh well thank you Tom. Very kind I’m sure.” Tom laughed and again bathed June in his nauseous breath “Well those ones on the sideboard are what my grandchildren bring when they visit they’re only six and eight and don’t understand that I can’t eat them. They’re no use to me once I’ve sucked the chocolate off.”

Tom was quite mystified when he later related the happenings to his neighbour. "I think the gin must have disagreed with her most violently" he said with a look of deep concern look on his face. "Poor lady, no sooner had she finished her drink than she dashed out into the garden and was violently sick, vomiting all over the lawn." I asked should I call an ambulance but she just waved me away and staggered off to her car mumbling something about stolen poison I think. Most strange!"