In This Silence

Great write, a fleeting moment captured.

Thank you!

Great piece. The image of the fingers shrivelling like a spider dying is really strong. Also I enjoyed the image of the hands (rather than the narrator) yearning for consolation. Thanks for the read.

Thank you :)

Thanks
glad you liked it.

your praise became irrelevent as soon as you brought my looks into it.

I do not need your compliments.
"great poem" is hardly a sincere compliment.
And I'm nowhere close to afraid of your "bad side."

I'm not here for people to reduce me to my profile pic
and call me "sexy". I'm sixteen so I would really watch what you say to me. Thanks.

Don't threaten me with your "bad side" and say I have an attitude just because I'm the wrong fucking girl to call sexy.

and FYI I always have an attitude.

i like the feeling in this more than anything. it's so anxious and almost teasing in the beginning, and then slows down to an almost calm breathing and ends with finality. IMHO, the last line makes more imagistic sense with 'with' versus 'within' and there could be either a complete removal or addition of punctuation so the last line isn't inconsistent.

Thank you!
You're so right about the within/with and I'm gonna change that.

Carla, you are seriously gifted.

There is an entire story here, and it's told succinctly, in a way that evokes great emotion from the reader. That's a gift.

I caught from it that there was an hand offered, and rejected, with difficulty. There was a hard finality to it, but it was written with a voice that spoke softly in the mind.

Great write.
B

Thank you so much, Betty!

Quite unique with the hands there. Concise and beautiful imagery. I do have a few suggestions however.

Thank you!
I'd love to hear them.

I love the last 3 lines, I don't if it was intentional or not but I feel 'like A spiders last twitch' flows better... Lol ignore me if that was intentional

thanks you :)

There is something about this poem that stands out from everything I've read in the past few days. It has such a unique rythym. I even read it aloud a few times. The simile between the spider and your hand was masterful and well...poetic.

Many thanks, Leaton. I'm glad it impacted you in such a way.

There is a beautiful simplicity to this piece. The image of the spider is lovely and makes you realise that love sometimes faces defences when shared between humble human beings. Dust skipping in the light is also a useful imagery to display a pause in time. This was a very passionate piece. Thank you for the read.

Thank you so much, Missy!

I'm such a dick. Sorry for not coming back, Carla. The content, and each word is absolutely fine. Just some of the lines break a bit awkwardly, and then the images kind of stutter into the reader's head.
Small example:

Dust skips
in the light that
glares on us
it's hot
on the back of
my head but my hands
still cold
yearn for
consolation

The end of a line signifies a slight pause. You end the second line on 'that' which isn't the end of the phrasing or image, but it's fine that way because 'glares on us' should be a line on its own. Now, 'on the back of/my head but my hands' is too choppy. Both of the lines aren't strong enough to be alone and be read coherent. 'on the back of my head/but my hands' would be the best way to work it in my opinion. The poem could be written totally different with punctuation which I'd always encourage, but that's just a personal thing too.

Sorry I'm late; still love the spider/hand image. :)

Never too late. :)
Thank you so much for this. I've made some changes and I'm pretty happy with them. Thanks again.