deepundergroundpoetry.com
raspberry life
brief as brief was, this life
I kinda liked it
a raspberry lick
of ice cream, back in '72
all of life was like that lick
brief, as I said
looked better than it tasted
that's raspberries for you
yeah
that's life
not sure I remember it that well
life, I mean
but I remember
since '72
greed in my eyes
disappointment on my tongue
Published 1st Nov 2012
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likes 8
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comments 11
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The author encourages honest critique.
....and when Ray spots it, you'll get even more love than my meagre version :-)
These pieces show a growing control over your words, an urge to trim and make as tight as needs be...lovely to see.
The image of the child, brought forward in time, to conjure a picture of a screwed up faced is very effective....get's 'em every time, that. Eamon used a similiar method recently, and the result was a cracker...much to learn here.
hh
(I will leave the issue of past tense unsaid, but I'm sayin' it :-)
(also...'72...great year for cars!)
These pieces show a growing control over your words, an urge to trim and make as tight as needs be...lovely to see.
The image of the child, brought forward in time, to conjure a picture of a screwed up faced is very effective....get's 'em every time, that. Eamon used a similiar method recently, and the result was a cracker...much to learn here.
hh
(I will leave the issue of past tense unsaid, but I'm sayin' it :-)
(also...'72...great year for cars!)
3rd Nov 2012 10:14pm
Cheers, hemi
youtube videos featuring toddlers tasting lemons for the first time do get a lot of hits, I'll give you that ;-)
Wasn't sure whether this one was too idle a thought to leave here; thanks for letting me know that for you at least, it wasn't.
( re past tense, at this age the balance has tipped to there being more past tense than any other, is all, so don't do an intervention just yet ;-) )
youtube videos featuring toddlers tasting lemons for the first time do get a lot of hits, I'll give you that ;-)
Wasn't sure whether this one was too idle a thought to leave here; thanks for letting me know that for you at least, it wasn't.
( re past tense, at this age the balance has tipped to there being more past tense than any other, is all, so don't do an intervention just yet ;-) )
2nd Nov 2012 6:22pm
As Hemi said, there's no excess and it's pretty modest with the relaxed layout and voice. Good that it was short because with that voice it would lose people's interest half way, but the end was delivered just in time and the ending was just great.
3rd Nov 2012 10:16pm
Loss of interest ... kinda mirror's the narrator's mood, so seems right :-D
Glad to hear that for you, it was saved in time, cheers MrAlptraum.
Glad to hear that for you, it was saved in time, cheers MrAlptraum.
3rd Nov 2012 11:49pm
Kaatho
It's a great little snippet, I agree with Mr A with regards to the ending and Hugh about your technique.
however I'm in two minds here, on the one hand it's all very tight and handled with precision, with great results. on the other hand I think that it would flesh out pretty good too.
either way,your choice was damn good.
brief as brief is, you left me wanting more, which is another fine technique used by the two lads above.
nice one Kaatho, shine on
It's a great little snippet, I agree with Mr A with regards to the ending and Hugh about your technique.
however I'm in two minds here, on the one hand it's all very tight and handled with precision, with great results. on the other hand I think that it would flesh out pretty good too.
either way,your choice was damn good.
brief as brief is, you left me wanting more, which is another fine technique used by the two lads above.
nice one Kaatho, shine on
4th Nov 2012 12:00pm
Hey hey, CraicDealer. Yeah, working on something faster for this subject ... idling the engine a bit first while I think about it, I guess.
Appreciate your comments, thank you; astounded by your work, so am pleased you found something here.
Appreciate your comments, thank you; astounded by your work, so am pleased you found something here.
16th Nov 2012 6:46am
10th Dec 2012 4:27am
10th Dec 2012 7:09am
Gigi, how is it that I missed your earlier comment. Tickled that you came back to this piece, and found something in it. ;-)
Anonymous
25th Apr 2013 8:29pm
A great poem: soft, witty and true. The ice cream simile was so perfect I wanted to embrace it. I like poems which are stripped down to their bare bones yet still carry enormous power. Also, the poem's concision and brevity reflects its existential themes, so behind this deceptively simple work lies a lot of craft. Thanks for the read.
25th Apr 2013 10:35pm
Ah Jack, for such a small piece it sure took some time, so I appreciate that you enjoyed it, and it's good of you to let me know, thank you.
