Demi fucks up Zoe

Says you want a honest critique. I hope I don't get banned from this site for this. Ok. Just because you shock people doesn't mean you are doing something worth while. This piece simply lacks substance. You are describing a situation, but not granting the reader any reason to care about the characters. You are describing the demented and perverse, which is fine when used in a way that is engaging and interesting to the reader. If you remove all of the grotesque imagery, then there is nothing else for the reader to think about.
Poetry needs to be more then that. There are so many tools available to a writer to use. Disturbing imagery is only one. I have read some very disturbing things. Its my specialty. The good ones do more then just disgust. They also in their own way enlighten. Please. I believe you can do much better then this. I am only saying this to help you.

Thanks for your honest feedback which I completely
accept. I have written about ten of these vignettes
into Demi's life and they probably should go
together otherwise they're merely little snippets


I'm not proud of these rather they're the horrible
dark side of life, maybe I dhoudnt have posted
at all, dont know.

The characters are empty shells and their lives
are Empty so not much character there, I
get what you mean in this regard.


Thank you
Ricecake

If you have more, then I agree that you should include more of it. If you fear that they are flat and empty, then simply add content to help flesh them out. Every one has motivations and a history that defines how we act, even the most destitute.
I understand your need to express your dark side. Though most of what I post here doesn't go to the full extent, I have many times wondered if I simply went too far. Most of the time it more important to simply not hold back.
I would never desire to dissuade someone from writing. I just want your writing to be as good as it deserves to be.  

It's good to receive articulate feedback
like your own, I once received very discouraging
feedback and your feedback is helpful to
a writer so thank you!

My difficulty is that I only know these
characters superficially rather than
in depth, as I personally know them
however "surface" only ...

What I would like to do is join the vignettes
into one big story and self publish a book
which I will do one day, I will fatten out the
characters. Ive written a couple of books
that way. I'll run the book past you for
your feedback, if thats ok?

I got a few other projects lined up
However will try keep this idea
Alive

Thank You again for being so great about
This

Kind rgs
Ricecake