deepundergroundpoetry.com
Etchings
You remind me of a candle
The way the smoke slips from your lips
The way your flame flickers from side to side
The wick slowly burning
Turning black and ugly
As the wax slowly melts
I see the inside of you
The pool of unshaped lines
Nothing is defined in you
Little notches etched in smooth white
Children with their pocket knives
That's all your pain is equivalent to
Carvings of initials that melt with time
The way the smoke slips from your lips
The way your flame flickers from side to side
The wick slowly burning
Turning black and ugly
As the wax slowly melts
I see the inside of you
The pool of unshaped lines
Nothing is defined in you
Little notches etched in smooth white
Children with their pocket knives
That's all your pain is equivalent to
Carvings of initials that melt with time
Published 8th Oct 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 6
reading list entries 1
comments 12
reads 1107
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
Anonymous
- Edited 8th Oct 2012 9:30am
8th Oct 2012 9:29am
<< post removed >>
8th Oct 2012 7:46pm
8th Oct 2012 4:37pm
8th Oct 2012 7:46pm
8th Oct 2012 11:46pm
9th Oct 2012 00:50am
9th Oct 2012 11:42am
You certainly have profound ability to use images and metaphors, like his smoking the cigatette and all that brings to mind. But you seem to make a sort of leap, which this reader, anyway, finds difficult to embrace with the external him you "judge," and that is "seeing inside him." I think you need to build a case for the "inside" as brilliantly as you have the outside. But that's just me. Take it for what it is worth, probably nothing. Thank you for sharing this poem with me. Your giftedness as a poet stant out.
5th Dec 2012 7:55pm
Thank you so much for your feedback! I really appreciate honest critique very much, I hope I can use that to further me work in the future!
5th Dec 2012 5:38pm
my lord...the way you write...sooo much imagery. It makes me sight wave and blur to shape your vivid prose. :)
5th Dec 2012 7:57pm
Thank you for your kind words, much more than I deserve, but I am certainly flattered! I am also glad you enjoyed!
5th Dec 2012 9:54pm
Fantastic. From the title to the last line, very smooth. The imagery - smoke, flame, notches in a pillar - so visual. Greatly enjoyed the read Adele!
7th Dec 2012 4:55am
