deepundergroundpoetry.com
You're dating again
- something about the whittling of long distance love
'hey lady' - the greeting
tells me it's you
we talk gardens, the game
laugh awkward anew
your lovely voice climbing
wailing, true
singing heyyyy mama rock me
and stella blue
...
you're dating again
don't sing one more song
you live too far
i've lived far too long
a few days of you
warm 'gainst Denver snow
was, after all those calls
one hell of a hello
it was mine, and clumsy
this year long goodbye
not my best work
but, who the hell am i
you're dating again ...
had a thirty per cent cry
for a thirty per cent hope
i'd kept carefully cherished
and as carefully choked
so thank you, thank you
('cos hey, fuck me)
yeah go, fall in love
while i fall, free
'hey lady' - the greeting
tells me it's you
we talk gardens, the game
laugh awkward anew
your lovely voice climbing
wailing, true
singing heyyyy mama rock me
and stella blue
...
you're dating again
don't sing one more song
you live too far
i've lived far too long
a few days of you
warm 'gainst Denver snow
was, after all those calls
one hell of a hello
it was mine, and clumsy
this year long goodbye
not my best work
but, who the hell am i
you're dating again ...
had a thirty per cent cry
for a thirty per cent hope
i'd kept carefully cherished
and as carefully choked
so thank you, thank you
('cos hey, fuck me)
yeah go, fall in love
while i fall, free
Published 16th Sep 2012
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Lovely contained bitterness(if only a percentage). The free fall,the live far too long...potent stabs of jaded-ness but not overdone...im usually a tad turned off by a simple rhyme scheme,but you dont sacrifice anything and doesn't seemed forced,almost as if the rhyme was a happy bi product..well enjoyed, thank you
Ps. I have had thirty percent tear,happy,oddly sad but upbeat sentiments singing wagon wheel. And stella blue,shit almost cried writing the songs name. So bonus points for that.
Ps. I have had thirty percent tear,happy,oddly sad but upbeat sentiments singing wagon wheel. And stella blue,shit almost cried writing the songs name. So bonus points for that.
16th Sep 2012 4:17pm
Yeah, harder to let go of someone when they're still singing songs like those to you ... probably why rhyme seemed fitting, I guess. 'Stabs of jadedness' - sounds about right ;-) Thanks for taking time to comment so fully, cheers lightbaron.
Anonymous
16th Sep 2012 4:03pm
Oh YES!
I love it. Funny I also don't like rhyme and I didn't notice it. It was only after I read Lightbaron above that I went back to find it... * Kudos. Damn!
For me that closing Stanza did it!
I am so fond of the
"yeah go, fall in love
while i fall, free"
ending
You are an absolute gem!
Al -x-
I love it. Funny I also don't like rhyme and I didn't notice it. It was only after I read Lightbaron above that I went back to find it... * Kudos. Damn!
For me that closing Stanza did it!
I am so fond of the
"yeah go, fall in love
while i fall, free"
ending
You are an absolute gem!
Al -x-
16th Sep 2012 4:28pm
Ahh ... pleased it sneakily slipped by you for just a moment.
Thanks, Alip, for your enthusiastic response; most encouraging, as I'd fussed a bit with the last couple of lines.
Thanks, Alip, for your enthusiastic response; most encouraging, as I'd fussed a bit with the last couple of lines.
17th Sep 2012 1:45am
You can probably talk about a brown paper bag and it would somehow make sense. That good!! Loved the per cent part gave it a punch nice
17th Sep 2012 3:16am
Haha, there's a challenge ..! Thank you indeed for your encouragement, Gigi :-)
