MY SAFETY BLANKET

There must have been a time when I felt safe with you
There had to have been a time when feelings were warm between us.
I’d imagine there had to been one moment when you held me and had a smile on your face…
But those moments have passed. They are gone someplace else mother….
Maybe in the back of my mind,
Or maybe they just never existed at all.
But yet I’ve always known, I have always known that they had to be there someplace…
Or like you I try not to think of them at all anymore.
Maybe they are just so faded that the very thought of them would sadden me like the day I woke and found that they were no longer within arms reach…
Or maybe they just aren’t worth remembering at all anymore.
Only thing I really know is mother,
I know there was a time when you could light up my world mother there had been a time when you could have been my hero.
Indeed you were that and so much more to me but now…
Now this feeling has become of me and it hovers over me completely so thick that it swallows everything else inside and it leaves me an empty shell.
Wounded on the outside, crying on the inside wondering where has it all gone.
I can list off so many things that I can remember about you and I, like how any time you could sneak a dollar behind daddy’s back you would order us a pizza just in time to watch our favorite soap opera.  I should have been in school instead, I know that now, but if I could go back to those times I wouldn’t change anything about it because I wouldn’t trade it for the world.  
There had been a time mother, when I felt as though we were close maybe like sisters….
At that point in my life, all I know right now is that I had you and somehow I can remember thinking that to have been good enough, and I suppose it was because  it may be all I have to attempt to warm so much coldness inside when it comes to you and I. I’ll take any moment that I can mommy, I’ll take the times we sat out on the porch and played bouncy ball….
I’ll take the times you told me stories, made me soup when I was sick.
I’ll take the times you held me close during the stormiest of nights and assured me of my safety.
Yes mother, that is yet another thing to mention here.
I couldn’t leave the room as a child without you assuring me of that safety.
I would ask you mommy am I safe and you would tell me that I was.
After daddy left you were all that I had.
After daddy left I didn’t feel safe anymore, which is odd considering the beatings you might have taken up until the moment that he gone out and left.
I really don’t understand half of the things I pressed myself to believe.
I’ll take those moments and I’ll hold them close mommy, I’ll keep a tight grip on that feeling I felt when you wrapped me in a blanket, when I was dependent on you….
When I was a child and you were the adult.
When your hand was the only one I had to hold.
When you directions were all I had to follow,
When I would take in so much and I would swallow, never to spit back out again only to hold inside and keep inside….
And a lot of that I always will because some of it I have realized aren’t worth ever bringing back up again.
I know there were times when you were only using me to get back at daddy with,
Of course I always took your side because I knew he didn’t care about me one way or the other.
Yes mother, I might have been a child once but that never meant that I was stupid, in fact I believe you would be amazed if only you had know just how aware I was of your little games.
But at the same time, I could have stood up oh yes I could have stood up long ago to the both of you and I could have said something.
Now I know that something would have been better than nothing at all. But then again in a way I knew that if you only knew just how aware I was as a young child to the shit that was being talked and done behind my back, then you or daddy or anyone else would not have seen me the same way ever again.
Your whispers might have been softer as I got older but that’s never made me anymore unaware of a conspiracy when it involves me.
I’ll take your shit and I’ll pour some sugar and sprinkles over it to see if I can get it to taste any better because I sadly enough have ingested everything you have throw at me over the years, and now even as a woman I manage to grasp all four corners of this blanket and I allow it to shield me from again I repeat this coldness that settles in when all is silent and I’m going through a box that might hold something that you gave me long ago when I should have known better, your ways and I use all of that as a weapon because the older I am getting I’m seeing you and that had been the one thing I tried to avoid. But now I am just as codependent as you are mother, oh yes a sad story this is indeed, yet some things I suppose are just destined to happen because the more you fear something the more it is going to come true and that’s just the way it has to be because that’s the one part of all of us that will always remain.
That is the one piece of us that will never allow us to grow beyond a certain level of who we once were because even as we spread our wigs we tend to carry our fears with us.