why?

do you ever have those times when you cry but you don't know what for?
i do
i'm having one of those moments right now
i have so much bottled up inside
i have to deal with it on my own
i don't know what to do with it
i have cuts all over
my parents don't know
i'm scared of what they would do if they found out
my dad wouldn't know what to say he'd be scared for me
scared for my life
mum she'd be crushed
she's already lost to many
i just can't put that kind of pain and stress on my family they have been through so much already and for them to have come out on top means so much to me
i'm really proud of my mum
for all she's been through
she's always had to be strong for me
always been there for me
she doesn't deserve anything she's been put through
she's truly an amazing mother
i love you
and even though i don't always show it
i truly do
your everything to me mum
and when your gone i won't know what to do with myself
and for you to put up with all the bullshit i've put you through over the years is truly amazing
i am truly greatful
so as i sit here with a blade in my hand contemplating wether or not to cut i think to myself why do i even bother
why i cut myself
i dont know