deepundergroundpoetry.com
As Long as It Takes
This
is the thought I had when
we
were first in glancing touch and
I
was all that wanted
you
and a river of your taste and
semen
in your star to gaze
the night of every
reason.
And the faint star
in the distant sky
has some gossip then
of how the Milky Way
was strewn with dust
and these two meteors
were hurled
still dancing
and into what was left
of dawn.
And still holding her,
he waited
as she rested,
while he awaited
her next unrest.
runningturtle87
is the thought I had when
we
were first in glancing touch and
I
was all that wanted
you
and a river of your taste and
semen
in your star to gaze
the night of every
reason.
And the faint star
in the distant sky
has some gossip then
of how the Milky Way
was strewn with dust
and these two meteors
were hurled
still dancing
and into what was left
of dawn.
And still holding her,
he waited
as she rested,
while he awaited
her next unrest.
runningturtle87
Published 21st Aug 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
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comments 3
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Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
21st Aug 2012 2:40am
I think erotic poetry should fuck or be fucked, right?
So, a few small things. (OPNION!)
No. 1 - you missed the y in Milky Way (plus it's two words)
No. 2 - the ending is lovely.
No. 3 - the opening stz is too long, be kind to your reader with some white space.
No. 4 - I think you've thrown a lot of sexy pieces of white poetry in the wash with a really loud set of purple socks, and everything is coming out kinda dingy and stained.
What I mean is there are 3,237 images in here. Pick one and fuck it up all the way through for the best effect.
Anaconda... leads it off
breathes out to, uh, a citadel's arena for foreplay?
and then the fuckery starts in a bakery,
then it gets really hot and heavy with, uh, tools? It's getting a bit muddled by now.
So THEN you finally get to this glorious piece about space.
Cut hard, my friend. Chop it all off. Start with....
"this is the thought"
and see how you feel.
(Sorry for being a bitch, sort of.)
Happy writing,
Betty
So, a few small things. (OPNION!)
No. 1 - you missed the y in Milky Way (plus it's two words)
No. 2 - the ending is lovely.
No. 3 - the opening stz is too long, be kind to your reader with some white space.
No. 4 - I think you've thrown a lot of sexy pieces of white poetry in the wash with a really loud set of purple socks, and everything is coming out kinda dingy and stained.
What I mean is there are 3,237 images in here. Pick one and fuck it up all the way through for the best effect.
Anaconda... leads it off
breathes out to, uh, a citadel's arena for foreplay?
and then the fuckery starts in a bakery,
then it gets really hot and heavy with, uh, tools? It's getting a bit muddled by now.
So THEN you finally get to this glorious piece about space.
Cut hard, my friend. Chop it all off. Start with....
"this is the thought"
and see how you feel.
(Sorry for being a bitch, sort of.)
Happy writing,
Betty
21st Aug 2012 10:07pm
Betty, never apologize; you are still the queen of hitting it hard. I'm getting out the chain saw. Thank you for taking so much time...and I am still at work on my previous homework. Yes, Drill Sargent!
22nd Aug 2012 4:34am
The transition from you and I to him and her is still a little weird.
Other than that... this is filled with badassness. It's clean, and it's good.
Go you, turtle,
Betty
Other than that... this is filled with badassness. It's clean, and it's good.
Go you, turtle,
Betty
