deepundergroundpoetry.com
Midnight
My body is out of control;
sounds like I'm a normal teen right?
Well here is the twist;
this happens when the moon is full of life.
Then I start convulsing;
and I start to scream.
My spine pushes up;
until it breaks through my skin.
The beast then rises from my back;
and rips out of my skin.
Leaving behind the human shell;
until the night ends.
Endless paths of carnage;
Destruction left behind.
Silver is the only fear;
of this massive Canine.
When the morning comes;
the beast climbs back into the body.
The night before becomes;
only a bad dream
*Entered in a comp
sounds like I'm a normal teen right?
Well here is the twist;
this happens when the moon is full of life.
Then I start convulsing;
and I start to scream.
My spine pushes up;
until it breaks through my skin.
The beast then rises from my back;
and rips out of my skin.
Leaving behind the human shell;
until the night ends.
Endless paths of carnage;
Destruction left behind.
Silver is the only fear;
of this massive Canine.
When the morning comes;
the beast climbs back into the body.
The night before becomes;
only a bad dream
*Entered in a comp
Published 5th Aug 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 4
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comments 6
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The author encourages honest critique.
5th Aug 2012 7:16am
This is a very cool "Teen Wolf" style poem! Being a fan of vampires, werewolves, and other Gothic Horror related things, I really enjoyed this dark and interesting read. Thanks for writing it! :)
5th Aug 2012 5:49pm
5th Aug 2012 10:34pm
It's alright but I had this idea that it would be a let down. You know like you build it up but figure out it is just some emo hormoned teen in the moonlight. But, still okay, I guess.
The subject matter has been written on so much. It really needs some power behind it to make it move. Ya know?
The subject matter has been written on so much. It really needs some power behind it to make it move. Ya know?
5th Aug 2012 10:51pm
Yeah I kinda wanted to try my own take on it...with the crawling out of the back, and then climb back in a dawn
OK I'll bite. As was noted it's been done to death so if you are going to do it then you need to be original and, more importantly, have a damned good reason for doing it. Just wanting to make your own werewolf poem is enough reason for you, but not the reader.
So I propose that you reverse the direction of the flow. Start with the convulsing, grab us with the action... but you have to take it somewhere.
The somewhere that is most obvious is in your first stanza. I have to disagree. Despite what we all think when we are young, you are a normal teen. Normal teens (and everyone older, for that matter) do have desires that overwhelm them. Doubts that split the self in the night. So the ending for me would be some statement similar to
The beast climbs back into the body,
the night just bad memories like a dream
as I and all the other "normal" teens
crawl back to join in your world.
That way you are at least taking it somewhere. You don't have to do that specific ending, but start with the abstract and action packed, and finish with some sort of message or moral that relates it to the reader's world, and gives us a reason why we wanted to watch you go through that change.
So I propose that you reverse the direction of the flow. Start with the convulsing, grab us with the action... but you have to take it somewhere.
The somewhere that is most obvious is in your first stanza. I have to disagree. Despite what we all think when we are young, you are a normal teen. Normal teens (and everyone older, for that matter) do have desires that overwhelm them. Doubts that split the self in the night. So the ending for me would be some statement similar to
The beast climbs back into the body,
the night just bad memories like a dream
as I and all the other "normal" teens
crawl back to join in your world.
That way you are at least taking it somewhere. You don't have to do that specific ending, but start with the abstract and action packed, and finish with some sort of message or moral that relates it to the reader's world, and gives us a reason why we wanted to watch you go through that change.
6th Aug 2012 00:08am
