my story

As I sit here with tears flowing down my cheeks
I wonder why I am the way I am
Hated on
Blessed with this curse
People ask me who am I
Why I am the way I am today
Well here's my story
My mother she was a junkie
A slut
Popping any pill
Sleeping with any guy
Then I guess she made the biggest mistake of her life
Me
My father loved her
She broke his heart
I was three months old
She said she was just going out but
She never came back
She left us for another man then left him or another than left him
And is now engaged I know it wont work out though
My dad was heartbroken
I didn’t know what was happening
She had left us
I was left with my dad and grandmother
In ways I'm glad my mum left us
Years later at the age of 9
I was diagnosed with anxiety
I was scared and paranoid of everything and everything
I didn’t want to leave the house I didn’t want to go to school
I was scared to die
Scared to go to sleep at night incase I didn’t wake up in the morning
I would constantly be washing my hands trying to avoid germs
I was scared of being sick
I was scared of my own family
I was taken to a phsycologist
I had to fight whatever was controlling me
But no matter how hard I tried I couldn’t defeat what was inside me
A year had passed
i Was getting worse
I was put on my medication
Then I was diagonosed with OCD
I was constantly repeating things
Over and over
Within 3 months it had dissapeared
The medication didn’t work
3 years had passed I thought I had beaten it
I guess I was wrong though
It came back worse
I was taken back to the doctors
I was then diagonised with depression
It was terrible I was constantly wishing I was dead
I hated it I started getting called names  
"the emo freak"
"ugly"
"fat"
It just made everything worse
I couldn’t take it
I was put on even more medication
But it effected me in different ways
I was getting aggressive
Short tempered
I was always getting into fights
It got to the point where I slapped a person
One of my good friends I felt so bad
I hated myself
As I saw the handprint appear over her face I had instantly regreted what I had done
She ran away crying
I turned and walked in shame
I was called a bitch
Everyone hated me for it
A week later I slapped another girl because she called me fat
She grabbed onto my hair and dragged me around like a ragdoll
A grabbed onto her and got her off me
I walked away and was called names again
I didn’t feel as guilty this time
She had it coming
Another year had passed
I started to get better
So I stopped my medication
2 weeks later it came back 10X worse I couldn’t handle it
I started cutting myself I had cuts all up my left arm
My mum found out she didn’t know what to do
But if it happens again I get sent to boarding school
Since then I have cut again
I regret I now because my arm is covered in scratches it looks like I was attacked by a cat
A pretty pissed off one at that
I havent cut since then but then again I only did it an hour ago
I covered it with foundation it's not as bad now
But I guess that’s me for you
It's who I am
How I am
Even if I don't like it
I have regrets but so does everyone
I don't want to die here
I don't want to be like this
Well that’s my life story for now I guess
Where I'll end up I don't know
But I don't want to die alone