deepundergroundpoetry.com
Have You Ever Heard Of A Lot So Sad?
I try not to feed my ego,
by placing pity on others,
but who has heard of a starved ego?
Instead my conscience
thoughtfully invests such a feeling
on those without passion
who let others think for them.
Terrified of unconventionality,
as if embracing the natural state
is wrong doing, when in truth
fighting the process
and celebrating distortion
is the soul’s gravest threat.
Are they afraid of devoting themselves
to the point of hurt?
They are blatantly unaware
of the ecstasy passion can yield.
by placing pity on others,
but who has heard of a starved ego?
Instead my conscience
thoughtfully invests such a feeling
on those without passion
who let others think for them.
Terrified of unconventionality,
as if embracing the natural state
is wrong doing, when in truth
fighting the process
and celebrating distortion
is the soul’s gravest threat.
Are they afraid of devoting themselves
to the point of hurt?
They are blatantly unaware
of the ecstasy passion can yield.
Published 26th Jul 2012
All writing remains the property of the author. Don't use it for any purpose without their permission.
likes 3
reading list entries 1
comments 2
reads 642
Commenting Preference:
The author encourages honest critique.
26th Jul 2012 3:37pm
I try not to feed my ego,
by placing pity on others,
but who has heard of a starved ego?
Instead my conscience
thoughtfully invests such a feeling
on those without passion
who let others think for them.
Terrified of unconventionality,
as if embracing the natural state
is wrong doing, when in truth
fighting the process
and celebrating distortion
is the soul’s gravest threat.
Are they afraid of devoting themselves
to the point of hurt?
They are blatantly unaware
of the ecstasy passion can yield.
Ok, so I broke it into verses for you. This helps the reader make more sense and it adds emphasis where it's needed; you can see the last two lines are much stronger on there own. You are not a bad writer but if you're going to use punctuation you should start using it a bit more loosely.
"Terrified of unconventionality,
as if embracing the natural state
is wrongdoing.
When in truth,
fighting the process"
There was no need for the full stop before "When", it was still part of the other stanza. It is pretty well written and I liked it, just remember structure for emphasis and not too heavily punctuated.
by placing pity on others,
but who has heard of a starved ego?
Instead my conscience
thoughtfully invests such a feeling
on those without passion
who let others think for them.
Terrified of unconventionality,
as if embracing the natural state
is wrong doing, when in truth
fighting the process
and celebrating distortion
is the soul’s gravest threat.
Are they afraid of devoting themselves
to the point of hurt?
They are blatantly unaware
of the ecstasy passion can yield.
Ok, so I broke it into verses for you. This helps the reader make more sense and it adds emphasis where it's needed; you can see the last two lines are much stronger on there own. You are not a bad writer but if you're going to use punctuation you should start using it a bit more loosely.
"Terrified of unconventionality,
as if embracing the natural state
is wrongdoing.
When in truth,
fighting the process"
There was no need for the full stop before "When", it was still part of the other stanza. It is pretty well written and I liked it, just remember structure for emphasis and not too heavily punctuated.
I completely see where you're going with this. Honestly, starting to write again is one of the hardest things ever. I feel like my ideas gather at the tip of my pen and manifest themselves into disordered sentences. I cannot wait till the day when the words start to flow effortlessly again. Your critique is greatly appreciated. Thank you so much :)
