deepundergroundpoetry.com
Lemonade Stand
This is the few extra pounds that lost you the date, every single Friday for the rest of your life.
This is the loss you felt dear, and you are me and I have never won.
Luckily I dodged the draft, and married my own sadness, and oh god, I wish it was you because sadness pervades life and interrupts you while you have amazing sex in the next room with his feelings of inadequacy.
A dead weight in your ear this time as a light dawns on the mind and all the pills you dumped in the toilet have been swallowed by manic depressive fish, your only friends now as you wallow and they become successful and productive members of marine society.
Let us feed the ocean.
This is the loss you felt dear, and you are me and I have never won.
Luckily I dodged the draft, and married my own sadness, and oh god, I wish it was you because sadness pervades life and interrupts you while you have amazing sex in the next room with his feelings of inadequacy.
A dead weight in your ear this time as a light dawns on the mind and all the pills you dumped in the toilet have been swallowed by manic depressive fish, your only friends now as you wallow and they become successful and productive members of marine society.
Let us feed the ocean.
Published 25th Mar 2010
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25th Mar 2010 9:21am
...poem - but I don't think you have presented it on the page in the best way to do it the justice it deserves. Hope you don't mind - I have mailed you how I think it should be set out. It speaks far more to me when presented like that - allowing the words to really sink in.
25th Mar 2010 12:58pm
enjoyed reading it. i was drawn in by the fresh metaphors and nice imagery. such as : "married my own sadness", "manic depressive fish", "members of marine society".
depression viewed from the other original angle; i loved rhythm of it. to be honest, I agree with Abra, you can change the lay out of it - to make it more effective. but apart from that the poem is undoubtedly great
depression viewed from the other original angle; i loved rhythm of it. to be honest, I agree with Abra, you can change the lay out of it - to make it more effective. but apart from that the poem is undoubtedly great
2nd Apr 2010 11:22am
Thanks for the comments. Although I understand that it reads more smoothly and much slower that way, the way my poems are presented are as important to me as what they say, and this is no exception. To me, changing the layout of the poem would change some of the meaning that I've set forth to create. This particular poem I intended to be read quickly and then reread over when the reader realized they were already at the end, as a flow of thought rather than a rhythmic poem. Again, thank you for the comments, even if I don't plan on changing this poem, it will still sit the back of my mind as I write new pieces.
